In the Planning Stages

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

2008-10-28T13:35:00.000-07:00

OK, I know, it's been a LONG while since I've posted. Lots has been going on. Let me take you through it as easily as possible.

9/27/08 Had a shoulder ache again, took some Aleve and tried to relax. Still achy, so I began rubbing and my wrist slipped over a rather large lump on my breast.

10/1 Saw the doctor about lump. He immediately referred me to Providence Breast Clinic. Did NOT say "probably nothing".

10/8 Had mammogram and ultra sound...now scheduled for biopsy. Lump is "highly suspicious".

It's amazing how many commercials run about breast cancer during Breast Cancer Awareness month. I still have a while before biopsy...hate not knowing, but praying it's nothing.

10/17-19 Church ladies retreat at Warm Beach. Great time of giggling, eating, playing games. I did tell the ladies about my biopsy. I haven't shared the information with many...don't want to until I know something definite.

10/19 Zack has decided today to move to his Dad's house. My heart is broken, but he has stopped listening to me. I feel out of control with him. He is leaving his current school and will be attending a public high school. I know God is fighting for him and I know that he is in God's hands.

10/20--Biopsy this morning. Won't know results until 10/22.

10/22--I have Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma. In English, stage 2 breast cancer. IDC happens to be the most common type of cancer and we have caught it early. I really don't feel much today. During the 1st ultrasound the realization came to me that I have cancer. I don't know why, I'm guessing God was preparing me. Along with the realization came the peace that only God can give. It's still surprising to hear it come out of the nurse practitioner. I had to have her repeat things several times. Still have other tests to see what treatment will be necessary.

10/28--MRI today. They want to see how deep the tumor is. They also want to make sure there is no other cancer anywhere else in my body. This will help the surgeons decide what steps to take next.

Now, more waiting. I will meet with surgeons next Tuesday (11/4). I really am feeling ok. Someone asked me the other day how I was and when I said fine, she replied, "You can't be fine all the time!" Truthfully, I AM FINE. I don't feel sick. I'm not scared. I miss Zack, but I know that God has everything planned and timed the way He wants it. Maybe I need this time to just take care of myself and not worry about a teenage boy who seems to be mad at me all the time.

What I need. People keep asking, "what do you need?" "what can I do?" Seriously, I will gladly accept prayers, hugs, laughs, etc. What I don't want...pity faces. You know the ones...the ones that are accompanied with "How are you?" in a drawn out, whiny way. I know those people mean well too and I know they love me and are at a loss for words...but I'm truly OK!

I will try to do better at blogging and keeping everyone up-to-date on my progress. I need the outlet...I have spent a lot of time talking to God and myself this last month.

Once again, I have to give God credit for having a sense of humor...breast cancer during breast cancer awareness month. Can't get much better than that.

Have a great week!

The Swing

2008-09-20T09:33:00.000-07:00

I just got back yesterday from our high school retreat. (another major difference between public and private schools). Retreat was fun, spiritually uplifting and a great time to get to know the kids in a different setting. I came away with a lot...but the best thing of all was my experience on "the swing". I will have enough devotional topics to cover a long span with my swing experience.

First you put on the harness. Then you climb up a ladder to a platform where Sean, the young camp counselor, makes sure the harness is tight and then hooks you to the line. I looked into Sean's eyes and said, "this is perfectly safe, right?" I wanted to see assurance...but I saw a myriad of things in those little 20 year old eyes...things he may have wanted to say, but knew that he couldn't...things like..."How would I know, it's never had to hold this much weight before." or "How's your blood pressure, you're looking like a heart attack just waiting to happen." or "Why do these schools always have middle aged chubby women who want to do something they've never done before?"

OK, so after you get the confidence boost from Sean, you have to step off of the platform. You are being held by a line that is being pulled by 6-10 students. They pull and you begin to rise. Thank goodness all of them had the good grace to just pull. I sailed to the top with ease and heard no grunting or groaning from below. The top is 3 stories in the air. I believe they said 60 feet...from up there, all I can tell you is that it felt high. So, there I am 60 feet in the air and I am the one that has to pull the line that will release me to a straight and steady fall toward the ground. You would think that it would be difficult to make that pull...but let me tell you about the harness and why it is NOT hard to make that pull.

The harness wraps around your body in ways that is absolutely NOT attractive. It accentuates areas that surely DON'T need accentuated. As I was rising from the 6 foot dangle...that's really all that was on my mind...I wasn't thinking, "God, let me live"...I was thinking, "God, don't let anyone take my picture in this harness. Please God, please, please, please."

So, when I got to the top, without hesitation I pulled the cord and what a feeling! You are suddenly in a free fall, then the line catches you and you are swinging...straight for a huge tree...but they have it all figured out so that you really are a few feet from the tree...guess that just adds a little more excitement to the whole experience. You swing back and forth for quite a while...I actually even forgot about how I was looking in the harness. It was amazing and I am glad I did it. However, until they get the harness thing figured out or I lose half my body weight...don't know that I will.

As I said, devotion material galore...stay tuned...I'm sure I'll use it eventually.

ME Time

2008-09-14T08:28:00.000-07:00

School has begun. This is the way it's going to be. There seems to be no time for ME. I squeeze in showers here and there, but other than that, I can't seem to get the time to do much of anything else for me...including blogging.

The schedule is crazy. Up at 4:30, put coffee on, find clothes for the day, (iron, if necessary), get myself ready, Ji up at 5:30, Zack at 6:00. Lunches to be packed, practice clothes, homework, lesson plans to be gathered. (All the while, trying to get enough coffee in me to actually wake up.) Out the door at 6:30 with much prodding, poking, yelling and threatening. It appears that neither of my teenagers is ready or willing to get out the door by 6:30. Drop them off at their bus stop, and then on through the morning traffic to school. I leave my school at 4:00, pick Ji up from volleyball practice at4:30, Zack from soccer at 5:00, face afternoon traffic and get home at about 5:45. Everyone is hungry, so dinner prep, eating and clean up until around 7:00. Zack usually has the computer until 9:00 and by that time, I'm at the point of exhaustion that I don't even want to sign on.

This past week we had something going several evenings. Monday was homegroup, Tuesday "back to school" night at their school, Thursday "back to school" night at my school, Friday volunteer appreciation dinner for church. Wednesday, the only night we would actually have had a free evening, my car broke and had to call friend (thank goodness my friends have great husbands). Car was towed, ($300 plus to fix it), they fixed us dinner and loaned us a car for a few days, but free evening was GONE.

One teenager (my own) was a handful...taking on another goes in the "what was I thinking" category. We are definitely having adjustments. Ji is definitely a teenage girl with a mind of her own. She came thinking, well, I'm not sure what she was thinking. As long as she is getting her way, she is funny and sweet. But if she feels that she is somehow being treated unfairly, she pouts, stomps, slams...any of you who have teenage girls know what I'm talking about. She says that in Korea, teenagers go out with their friends every weekend. She is learning that in America, we make plans, ASK PERMISSION, and do this with more than 15 minutes before said 'time out with friends'. She took her packed lunches to school week one, then said she didn't want them week two. She has money on account at the school for lunches, so I figure if she's hungry she can buy lunch. But then when she was angry at me Friday night for not letting her get in a car with another Korean girl (because her mother told me I was not to do this and I don't let my own son go out in cars with kids) she got very angry and told me that she needed to go because she was hungry. (this was after wolfing down a Big Mac, large fries, apple pie and large coke). I told her that there was plenty in the house to eat and she yelled, "YOU DON'T GIVE ME LUNCH!" Aaaugh. I'm sure she has relayed this information to her parents, but since they don't speak English, I haven't heard from them.

Zack, in the meantime, well, can't say much there except that some information was found out while he was at his Dad's last weekend and he is grounded for at least 2 weeks. No phone, no myspace...so every evening this week, he has spent at least 1 hour (sometimes more) pleading for just an hour...he doesn't take no for an answer. I guess he thinks he will wear me down. It is a bit like chinese water torture...drip, drip, drip. But, so far, I haven't given in OR physically caused him harm.

The good news...I love them both and am praying my way through it. I LOVE my new students and the school. The kids actually thank me when they leave class and I have gotten some great compliments from other faculty and parents.

I am going to work on finding ME time. It is necessary. When I give up ME time, I give up ME and GOD time as well and that makes things 100 times worse. I need to put aside whatever time I can for time with God...I do most of my praying on the way to school and on the way home...but usually on the way to school I am praying away the frustration of the morning.

All that being said, I also have to find blog time. It's cathartic, and something I really enjoy. I'm hoping things start settling into routine more and start falling into a fairly even rythm. That's my goal for this week.

Hope things are well with you.

It's a Girl!

2008-08-29T07:07:00.000-07:00

Ji (Hyoji Mun) arrived from Korea yesterday at about 1:30 pm. She will be living with us for the next 4 years. She is 14 and going into the 9th grade. She is a tiny bundle of energy. OK, I'm now making her sound too much like a baby...but she does weigh about as much as my left leg. And she is full of energy. After a 12 hour flight and probably very little sleep the day before she left Korea, I couldn't help but notice how energetic she seemed. I'm excited about the prospect of having Ji be part of our family.

I LOVE having a son. When I was pregnant, I knew immediately that I was having a boy...no medical proof, just a feeling in my heart. But, there is a part of me that always wanted a little girl too. So, this past month, in getting ready for Ji's arrival, I went crazy. First of all, I should say, I NEVER intended to go that PINK. I was wandering through Goodwill one afternoon and found a sarong that was bright pink and dark blue tye-dye. Now, understand that I was never much of a tye-dye kind of person...but the colors of this piece of cloth just jumped out at me. It cost a whopping 99 cents and I decided right then and there that this would be the focal point of Ji's room decor. Well, I found pink sheets, and after taking back the fuzzy, dark blue bed spread/blanket that was leaving dark blue fuzz all over my entire house, I found a deep rose (just another name for dark pink) bed spread. That wasn't enough. I was looking for some kind of cool pillow...something that screamed teenager...yet brought out the dark blue in the sarong. I didn't find what I was initially looking for, but instead found a beautiful pillow shaped like a flower...each petal is stuffed individually...it is silk and several beautiful shades of pink...and I think it made her bed beautiful. I also found her a cute little pink lava lamp...ok, by now I think you get the picture. I put the room all together and had Zack go take a look. He stared for several seconds, then turned to me and said, "I think you went way over the edge here."

As for the sarong...I don't know what I initially intended it to be...a table cloth, curtain, I really don't know...but I ended up putting it away. I made the room so girly looking, that it just didn't fit in anywhere.

We're going out shopping tomorrow for ruffly dresses and hair ribbons. (JUST KIDDING)

Have a safe and relaxing holiday weekend!

Miracles

2008-08-23T08:12:00.001-07:00

I posted earlier in the month about needing this to be a month of miracles...and listed a couple that I felt I needed. I have prayed and waited...and am still waiting.

J, as I told you, got her answer and even though it is breaking her heart to close her own place, she looks like 20 pounds of stress have been lifted from her shoulders.

V is getting dialysis 3 times a week. She looks better, feels better, and the appointment to begin looking for a new kidney has been (miraculously) moved ahead and that process can begin MUCH faster. Keep praying though so that she can get a new, improved kidney ASAP.

The two I needed haven't happened yet. Zack's school bill needed to be paid this last week so that he can register this coming week. I know that I will have the money next week (because we get a double pay check at the end of this month)...but that means he won't get to register for classes until after classes begin. Ji arrives this Thursday and we are still in the same house. It will be ok for a couple of months, but the goal is to be moved out by Nov. 1st and that will still take the grace of God.

A realization hit me as I was praying about these needs the other day. When I think of a miracle, I think of things like the parting of the Red Sea, Jesus walking on water or turning water into wine. I really have to stop thinking like that. Miracles take place EVERY DAY! This week alone I have risen healthy and alive each and every day. I have driven safely to work (believe me, that is a miracle around here). I have made new friends. I have felt at home and happy in my new work place. I've been loved and appreciated by family and friends. The sun has been shining the last couple of days. I could go on and on.

I don't need the parting of the Red Sea. That's nice once in a while...but if it happened every day then it wouldn't seem like a miracle. I am learning to appreciate the every day things as miracles in themselves.

Hope you experience a bunch of miracles today.

Back to school

2008-08-19T17:33:00.000-07:00

My summer is officially over. I started work again yesterday (Monday). These first couple of days are training days. It's been great to hear about the history of the church and school that I now work for. I have also been meeting some new people (since I have the opportunity to teach at a different school this year...different school...same school system). First thing Monday morning I met another new teacher at the school and within five minutes we discovered that we both moved to Washington from South Carolina. As a matter of fact, we lived within just a few minutes of each other several years ago. Small world, huh?

We still have a couple of training days and then finally into our class rooms to prepare. I'm excited and anxious to get in there and start getting ready for the kids. I am teaching 4 classes of Seniors (Current World Issues) and 2 classes of Sophomores (World History). I really love the CWI class because there are SO MANY world issues to discuss and I learn almost as much as I teach. I love the opportunity to get into discussions with the Seniors. They are on the verge of a whole new life and it is challenging, as well as rewarding, to have the privilege of seeing them start to realize that a whole new world is getting ready to open up for them.

It brings back a lot of memories too. (Yes, I still do remember back that far.) I remember my Government class. Our teacher kept a bottle of vodka in her desk drawer. I guess she didn't think we knew this. She kept a coffee cup on her desk and just enough coffee in the cup to make sure the liquid was brown, but she wasn't too careful about sticking the cup in her drawer and refilling it. By the end of class, she was well on her way to being sloshed...sad thing is, I had her first period. There was a presidential election my senior year and so we learned a lot about the election process. My best friend and I had to be "campaign managers" for the candidate that Mrs. S was NOT endorsing. Our whole group got nothing higher than D's...no matter what we did... because she hated our candidate so much. The principal had to step in and make her change our grades. She was also in charge of measuring us for caps and gowns. I don't think one of us had the right sized cap...so there was a lot of exchanging on graduation day to find one that actually fit our heads.

Thank goodness we are more careful about teachers these days.

The Last Two Weeks

2008-08-13T08:32:00.000-07:00

On the first weekend of August, Zack and I went camping with our church home group. We had a wonderful time. Our friends have found a piece of heaven on earth and it was a great weekend of relaxation, good food, good friends and good fun.

Last week was a busy one, and I had a purpose in mind. I wanted to make sure that all my painting and housework was completely done so that I could truly enjoy this week. So, I FINALLY finished the last two rooms that needed painted, also caught up on laundry and housework. This is obviously an area where I am not like my Mom. When my Mom starts a project, she works until it is done. She will work 20 hours a day on that project until it is actually done. It still might take her a few days because she often starts new projects in the midst of the current project. I, on the other hand, "pace myself". I work a couple of hours, then rest a couple of hours, then rest a couple more hours before I work another hour. This makes a major project last an entire 2 months (as this painting project has done.) Anyway, the painting is done! Yeah.

This week has been relaxing and enjoyable. I wanted to have one week where I do only what I actually want to do. I'm finding out that that isn't as easy as it sounds. It's Wednesday and I feel like I've got to pack about 6 weeks into the next 5 days. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything. Does anyone else feel this endless need to "accomplish" something?

This week also began with a reminder that I have a critical spirit. I know that this is an issue that I need to constantly work on. It comes so naturally to me. I was raised in a critical atmosphere, but that's no excuse because I haven't lived in that atmosphere for many years. I try to use sarcasm and wit to disguise it, but even though I think I'm being funny, I'm still being critical and negative. This is an area that I need to fix.

Next Monday I'm back to work. Even though I'm wishing that "summer" wasn't coming to such a quick end, I am excited about what this school year is going to bring.

Have a great day!

Birthdays

2008-08-05T12:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I "celebrated" the 14th anniversary of my 39th birthday. Maybe it's me...but I don't enjoy growing older. I have to be honest, instead of looking at it as another wonderful year full of accomplishments...I just start thinking about what I haven't done, where I should be, what I could have done and didn't...etc.etc. No wonder I don't like birthdays.

I had a good day yesterday. Zack and I had just returned from a WONDERFUL camping weekend with our church home group. Yesterday I slept in a little, got up to several phone calls from family and friends, then Zack and I headed off for a couple of hours at a nearby lake where we spent some time with our former room-mate and her two sons. It was sunny and bright...a beautiful day. We came home, showered and got ready for a dinner at Red Lobster. (My treat to me.) Zack got me a portable grill and we are going to use it tonight for grilled shrimp and steaks. We were going to go to a movie last night too...but after eating a full, rich meal...I was ready for bed. So, we saved the movie for tonight.

However, even as we had that wonderful day...in the back of my mind were negative thoughts running over and over....you should own your own home, you should be out of debt, you should be thinner,you should be healthier, you should be more prepared for retirement...I just let it keep running and running through my mind, until it had me weighed down to the point that I had stopped enjoying the day. Last night as I tried to get to sleep, I was having this conversation in my head one more time and FINALLY (I know, I know) I started praying and asked God to keep these thoughts from overpowering my thoughts. Well, He didn't wave His magic wand and make only happy thoughts run through my head. But, He did pop a couple of thoughts into my head and the realization that if I would think of them instead of the negative thoughts, it might make a difference.

As I lay there getting ready to fall asleep, I started to thinking of what I do have and what I have accomplished...I have a beautiful, wonderful (even though he is a teenager) son who loves me. Of course, he is playing his part as a teenager and not showing that love on most days, but when it's needed or necessary...there he is. I have wonderful friends, some of them I've known for just a few years, some I've known for over half of my life. These people are there when I need them. They laugh with me, cry with me, pray with me and for me, share with me, and allow me to be a part of their lives. I have a wonderful church...I could write another blog on what my church does for me. I have family that loves me (though they are so far away) and I have a career that I love. It challenges me and brings me so much joy. The list goes on and on.

As I began listing these things, I thanked God for another year to live this wonderful life. I thanked Him for the many opportunities and blessings that He has given me, as well as the many opportunities and blessings that are yet to come.

Have a great day!

"Great is Thy Faithfulness"

2008-07-29T07:55:00.000-07:00

I feel a sermon coming on....those were dreaded thoughts when I was a kid. My Mom would start on a subject and my eyes would meet with my brother's eyes and he would sometimes mouth what we were both thinking..."I feel a sermon coming on". She would commence to "preaching"...on and on and on and on about whatever topic she felt we needed to hear. I promise this entry isn't going to be like that.

Last year, just about this time, I needed some miracles. Something I read or heard suddenly took hold and I felt such a change in my faith and trust in God, that it was hard to even comprehend. But I declared August my "month of miracles" and somehow knew that it would be.

I am once again claiming August my "month of miracles". The miracles that I need are different this year, yet I know that God is faithful and will somehow see that our needs are met. It's not even August and they have started already.

My friend "J" owns her own business...sadly it is a mortgage business. I don't know if any of you keep up on the housing market, but around here it has gone DOWNHILL fast. Her business has been doing very bad this year. When I saw her Sunday I could see the frustration, stress, and even fear on her face. Her tears were flowing freely. I told her that I was going to pray for her and we both needed to BELIEVE that God was going to help. She called me last night to tell me that she got an offer yesterday to join another company. She will close her office, put her stuff in storage and go to work for someone else. This will provide her with a steady base income, plus profits on all loans she gets and closes herself. She doesn't have to worry about salaries and office rent, etc. I could hear the relief in her voice as I spoke to her. So, in the "miracles needed" column of my journal, I can already scratch one off.

"V" is a best friend/sister. She and I were college room-mates. She is the closest thing to a sister I have ever had. She (and her husband--who by the way was my first college date--hmmmm) has been there for me in tough times and I have been there for her. The month she got married she was diagnosed with Lupus. Through the years it caused great damage to her organs and 18 years ago she had to have a kidney transplant. That kidney (which they named Sidney) has given up the ghost. She had a shunt put in yesterday and starts dialysis today. She has to quit work for the time being and go on disability leave. Her name is going to be placed on a donor list and she will have to continue dialysis until she receives another kidney.

Last year Zack's tuition was free. However, the fee's that go along with private school...sports, books, building maintenance, etc. are not free. I still owe over $700. He can't register until that amount is paid in full and then his registration fee is around $200. Registration for sophomores is August 25th. I have worked part-time in the office this summer to help out...but that won't even cover 1/4 of what's needed. We're needing a miracle.

This year things have changed and we now have to pay tuition for our kids (and yes, they are still REQUIRED to go there if we teach there). We do get a 35% discount, so that helps...and my pay has increased (almost as much as the tuition will be). To help out, we will be having a Korean student live with us. I was hoping to have moved to a better house before she gets here on August 25th. To do that, I need first and last month's rent and a landlord who is willing to take a renter with not-perfect credit. This doesn't HAVE to happen this month, it would just be nice if it could happen this month so that we wouldn't have to move during the school year and also so that I wouldn't have to take the kids to school 90 minutes before school actually starts.

So, I am in need of some miracles. Today my Bible reading was Lamentations 3:1-24. The verses that were especially significant...21-23: "Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is YOUR faithfulness."

AMEN!

Memories of Dad

2008-07-25T09:01:00.000-07:00

Dad was a hard-working man. He worked at a small trucking company, started there when he was a teenager, took a few years off to serve in the Korean conflict, and retired from the same company in his mid-60's. When we would see a Cook truck, we would always get excited and scream out "There's one of Dad's trucks"...even after we were adults and knew better. He was very dedicated to his job. Once he took a one week vacation and on that Friday, he fell off a ladder, breaking his leg and back...but was back at work the next Monday.

I was born during the last few months of Dad's US Navy service. I believe his Navy years were some of the best in his life. He remained friends with a few of his buddies (even named my 2 brothers after them) and told great stories of his time aboard ship.

Dad was quiet and calm. However, every once in a while, he would blow. I remember when we were camping once and he'd had enough of the "fussing". He yelled "ENOUGH!" and threw down his plate. He used enough force that the plastic fork bounced up and stuck one of my brothers in the neck. (Actually it was my Mom's home-made, very sticky syrup that caused the fork to stick.)

Dad was blunt...but in a funny way. I had a college friend who was very un-endowed...if you know what I mean. She was also VERY sensitive about it. She came home with me for a spring break and the 2nd day she was there, my Dad came home with a very large rubber band. He threw it at her and said, "Peg, put this around your waist when you eat...as much as you eat, I'm thinking this would make a difference in your figure." I almost crawled under the table. I didn't know how she would react to that...it could have put her into a "mood" for the next 6 months. But, she laughed until she cried and when we got back to school, she hung that rubber band on her bulletin board. It was there until we graduated.

Dad hated Avon. Mom sold it, Dad always had to go with her to "deliver". He would sit in the car while she delivered...which could take anywhere from 10 minutes to over an hour. He always had to stay up on the nights the order had to go in so that it would make the midnight postmark. (That meant he would leave the house at 11:45 pm, rushing to the post office to make the deadline.) He had more Avon cologne than a man would ever want. He would have been happier with a bottle of "Old Spice". He would have laughed (along with my brother and I) at the fact that his ashes were sealed in an Avon jar and when I went to the funeral home to pick them up, I carried the jar out in an Avon bag.

He was not one who cared about fashion. I cringe at some of the outfits he actually wore during the 70's...as well as the sideburns he felt he had to grow. And I was thrilled when he discovered jeans during his retirement years.

Dad had a nickname for me. He very rarely called me by my name. He nicknamed me "Gertrude" (ouch) when I was very little. I was 2 years old and started crooning loudly and dancing along with someone on the radio named Gertrude Arbusinger (or at least that's the story he told me). So, for as long as I can remember, he called me "Gert". No one else ever called me that...but even when I moved away from home, he would answer the phone with "Hey Gert, how's it going?"

Dad wasn't openly emotional. There weren't a lot of "I love you's" spoken...but it never had to be spoken. It was there and NEVER doubted. He worked a lot when we were kids, so there was a lot of time that Dad wasn't really around to play ball, etc. But when Zack came along, that totally changed. He played ball with Zack, took Zack to work with him, came to my house in the mornings to get Zack up and off to school (because of my school and job commitments)...they were best friends. I am so happy that Zack had that time with Dad.

Dad lied to me twice (that I know of). The first was about my beloved dog "Smitty". I was 4 and Dad told me that Smitty ran away. He even walked me around the block looking for Smitty when I said I wanted to go find him. I didn't find out until I was 16 that Smitty had to be put down because he was very sick.

The second lie was that he was going to live to be 84. I don't know why he chose that age...but he didn't make it. Today would have been his 78th birthday.

We miss you Dad...ever single day.

Rest and Relaxation

2008-07-21T09:56:00.000-07:00

I got back late Saturday night from 4 days in the woods. Laura and I left on Wednesday, without kids, and went to her place at Goldbar Nature Trails. It's only about 40 miles away...but truly seemed like a world away. There was no traffic, no responsibilities, no schedule...it was great. We read, ate, slept, played cards, talked, giggled, and really had a great time. I'm so glad that we had the chance to get away. While we were there, I even read 4 books!

I need to start taking some time away once in a while. So far my summer vacation hasn't really been much of a vacation. Even though I still have a little painting to do, the house is clean and ready to show to prospective buyers. I don't have any major projects left to take care of. So, I'm going to take my time and start working on lesson plans, keep the house and laundry in shape, and spend more time relaxing. Once the school year starts that is hard to do.

Again, I am reminded to "be still and know that I am God". It's hard to listen to God in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. I know I can't go "into the woods" every time I need to hear something from God, but I need to be able to stop, relax, take some time and listen.

Have a great week!

Trust

2008-07-16T08:15:00.000-07:00

Trust, faith, belief, security...this concept has to be one of the biggest struggles in life...at least for me, it is. I am the queen of "second guessing". I believe I am following God's leading in life and then the first time there is even the hint of a problem, I start second guessing. Was I really listening? Was I just following what I wanted to do? Did I make the wrong choice?

I read something this morning that was like a "refrigerator" moment. (You know, when the kitchen is totally dark in the middle of the night and you open the refrigerator and suddenly everything is visible.) "Trusting God doesn't alter our circumstances. Perfect trust in Him changes us."

This is an issue that I've been thinking a lot about lately. Following God, trusting Him, having faith...really isn't EVER easy. I was really reminded of this last Sunday at church. Scott (our soon-to-be-former pastor) and his family are following God's leading. He has led them to leave the church and people they love and head off to another church. Scott has faith and believes that He is following God's leading...but it's obvious that this has not been an easy decision for anyone. There is a lot of heart break and pain. It's never easy leaving those you love and a place where you are comfortable. It would probably be easier for them to stay comfortably right where they are. But, that's not what God has in mind for any of us.

He doesn't always give us "easy". The key is (for me anyway) to realize that just because I have faith in God doesn't mean my life is suddenly going to get easier. However, because I have faith in God, my attitude towards the tough times should be different. I have to realize that these times are a time for me to grow and learn...and because of the changes in ME, I can still trust God and the plans He has for me.

Have a great day!

Painting

2008-07-13T07:20:00.001-07:00

What made me think I could paint 4 rooms in 3 days? So far, I have painted 1 room in 4 days. I think I'm doing something wrong.

The one room that is done (my bedroom) looks good. I finished it up and then put the room together. I have pictures on the wall and decor out and about. I'd be proud of that, except for the fact that we moved in here 6 months ago.

Zack thinks I'm crazy. After all, this house goes on the "market" tomorrow. But, I'm trying to help out the landlords. They have been really good to us...letting us move in without a deposit, not getting mad if the rent is late, etc. I'm trying to make it look "home-y" so that it will sell faster.

However, if it does sell fast, I'm in trouble. That means we have to move. I know that a move is coming...as a matter of fact, I'm looking forward to it. However, moving means that I need money and when you live pay check to pay check, it's not like there is a large bundle of money sitting there waiting for first, last and deposit.

Anyway, back to painting...I'm painting off-white (almost tan) walls white. That shouldn't be so hard. The walls and ceilings are stucco. I got the whole room painted, stepped back to admire my work, and what did I see...spotted walls. And WHY does it always look so easy on those home improvement shows? They pick up a roller, give it a couple swipes and TA-DA the room is miraculously a new color.

I also have learned that there is a correlation between the word paint and pain. I try to forget that I am getting older. My shoulders are telling me something else.

Enough avoidance therapy...I'm going to go try to get another wall done before we leave for church.

Self Improvement

2008-07-09T10:10:00.000-07:00

We spend much of our lives working on "self improvement". That's not a bad thing. My Dad always said, "even a barn needs a fresh coat of paint once in a while".

Physically is where I have issues. I don't seem to do well when it comes to physical self improvement. I remember when I got to college and one of my friends asked if she could pluck my eyebrows for me. She began plucking and after about 4 painful plucks I wanted to stop. (this was before waxing, I think) Another "friend" said, "no, let me do it". She proceeded to take a Q-tip and Nair (yes, hair REMOVER) and she did my eyebrows. I ended up with about 4 hairs over each eye...my bangs weren't quite long enough to cover it, so I walked around looking "surprised" for about 3 months. For some reason I thought if I had my eyes wide open and what was left of my eyebrows raised, no one would notice. I don't think that really worked.

I have had more episodes with my hair than I wish to recall. I always wanted "Sally Field when she was Gidget" hair. I wanted long, bouncy, straight...I got...well, not that. I have hair more like Diana Ross. (I'm aging myself here.) In other words, I'm a white woman with ethnic hair. I finally realized that all the straightening in the world wasn't going to help...so I gave up and went with a short cut. I could go to the best stylist in the world and get a personally designed hair cut and I promise you that a week later it would be round.

The one thing I THINK I can improve about it is the gray. I am not ready for gray yet...don't know when I will be. Maybe I'll be one of those 75 year old women with obviously colored hair (I don't think I'll ever have to pencil in the brows, they are still out of control). But hopefully, I will one day know the right color to use. I did it again yesterday. I went a couple of shades lighter than I usually do because I heard on "Shear Genius" (a Bravo reality show) that mature women should not go too dark because it will make them look older. So, I thought that by going a couple shades lighter, it would look more natural. But no, it doesn't matter what I use, I still look like I could be one of the Osborne (Ozzy and Sharon) kids. I just did it yesterday morning and have washed it twice since then trying to tone it down. Today I'm just going to wear all black, a lot of chains and "go with the flow".

I'm not even going to tell you about the fiasco with the tanning spray...just know that I won't be wearing shorts until it completely fades.

No clever title

2008-07-08T09:35:00.000-07:00

During the school year I wake up at 4:30 am. I get up quickly (at least until around March) and make my coffee...then sit with a cup or two while I have my devotions, play on the computer for a few minutes and then slowly get ready for my day. I have been looking forward to summer since...well, for quite a while. I was looking forward to long leisurely mornings...waking up whenever, having my coffee, not getting dressed until I absolutely had to...aaaah, summer.

Here's the problem. The first week, I kept waking up with a knot in my stomach, thinking I was LATE. Once the realization hit me that I didn't have to be anywhere anytime soon, I waited for the "nervousness" in my stomach to calm down. The problem...it hasn't.

Now, during my childhood, we dealt constantly with my Mom's "nerves". She woke up (and probably still does) nervous EVERYDAY. My Mom never takes a day off. When I am on the phone with her, she is constantly talking about ALL that she has to do. What could she have to do? She is 78, has a husband, a dog and that's about it. How dirty could her house be? How much laundry could she really have? That's just her way. I know that.

But her "nerves" controlled our lives. When she was frantic and hysterical (for no reason), my Dad would say, "you guys behave, your Mom's nerves are acting up". I realized, as I grew older, that had she ever gone to a good doctor or counselor, her "nerves" probably would have had a name. (manic depression, bipolar something or other, etc)

Now, here I am, waking up "nervous" every morning. It's almost like an overwhelming feeling of guilt. I begin the day thinking "I've got to....I need to....I have to...". I can't blame it on the coffee because it starts before the coffee is even in the pot. Is this heredity? Do I have some genetic malfunction that causes "nerves"? Maybe...but the difference here is...I refuse to let it get me.

God and I are discussing it on a daily basis. I'm writing about it in my journal and now here, publicy (for all 5 of my readers). I'm making little lists of things that I really need to do during the day, and slowly, I am getting them done. I am stopping a few times a day and relaxing...even when there are still rooms to paint, boxes to move, dishes to do, etc. etc. etc. I have lots of time to get these things done. I even survived a surprise, drop in visit from one of my friends yesterday. When I saw her car pull in, my immediate reaction was..."oh, no, my house is a disaster!". I wanted to hide, but she'd already seen me. But then I realized...she loves me...not because of the way my house looks, but because I'm ME.

If this continues, I will do what Mom wouldn't do...I will discuss it with a professional. Maybe I'll be relieved to find that it's part of menopause...or my diet (or lack thereof)...or something else. Maybe I'll need to take a pill...I hope not...I hate taking pills. Maybe God and I will get it handled without any outside help. Whatever "it" is...I refuse to be controlled.

Endings and Beginnings

2008-07-07T08:55:00.000-07:00

So, my Pastor is leaving. He and his family have accepted a calling to another church. They aren't leaving the state...just moving to another location. Endings are always sad and hard...change is never easy.

BUT with every ending, there is a new beginning. I love the church that I go to. Oh, I get frustrated sometimes...usual "church" things. I am excited to see what this new beginning means to our church. Don't get me wrong...not really excited to lose Scott...but again, can't help but wonder who God is planning to replace him with.

My life seems to be full of endings and beginnings. I just began a new job this year and completely fell in love with the kids, the school, the staff...and then the year ended just as I found out that I am being transferred to another school. I have spent my time "grieving" (and whining and complaining) over this change...but again...my life is not my own. I belong to God and He is the one making the plans for my life. (when I don't jump ahead of Him) So, now I am working at (yes, I have to be the one making an effort) thinking about the great adventures ahead of me in this new beginning. I am thinking about the new subjects, new classroom, new kids, new friends, and new experiences that are coming up in another new stage of my life.

Now, I need to make a new beginning on this day!

Zack at 14

2008-06-28T11:15:00.000-07:00

OK, don't call 911...I made it out alive. If I must say, the room looks great...now on to the rest of the house.

Zack came home from camp full of stories and great experiences. I'm so glad he got to go this year. I had to take him immediately to his Dad's house for a few days. (We split time during the summer.) He hugged and kissed me when I picked him up (which is unusual for a 14 year old boy...especially in public)...and then again when I dropped him off at his Dad's.

Then this morning, I made him mad. I have a tendency to do that a lot these days. I feel like I have to say "no" now, more than I did when he was a busy toddler. Now he's a busy teenager...and he feels like he should be independent already. He called to ask if he could spend the 4th of July with his best friend K. K is 16 and has his license and a car. The plan did not include any adult supervision...I don't count the 19 year old female cousin who just moved here to get away from all the "trouble" she was in at home. Zack, on the other hand, believes that she is adult supervision.

I remember hearing my own Mom go on and on about the trouble kids can get into without supervision and thinking she was just too strict and old fashioned. Now I find myself in that same place. I remember her saying "I know what it's like to be a teenager". I would think to myself, "oh yeah, back in the days before electricity was invented". I'm sure my son feels the same way. He doesn't think I remember being a teenager. OK, I have to admit, I have to think hard...but the fact is, I have worked with teenagers for almost 30 years now, so I REALLY do know what it's like to be a teenager. So when I say no, he thinks I'm being too strict and old fashioned.

Someday (in about 10 years), he'll realize why I say no when I do...until then, I'll be the "mean ole Mom". It's my job.

Housecleaning

2008-06-27T09:55:00.000-07:00

Zack comes home from camp this afternoon. I'm going to clean his room...I have a shovel, face mask, and gloves. I have definitely allowed him to have his own "space"...but right now, I have to clean it and give him a fresh canvas to start over in. I'm pretty sure it will be a mess again before the end of the week, but feeling like I have to do my "motherly" duty.

My Mom was "June Cleaver". If you don't remember June Cleaver, she was the Beav's mom. She wore a dress with pearls and always an apron...OK, my Mom didn't wear the pearls, but our house was always PERFECT. I should look back at that with appreciation, but I really don't. Our house was never dirty, yet every Saturday was house cleaning day...and I DO mean day! It took ALL DAY to clean an already clean house. We were never (and I do mean never) allowed to wear shoes in the house. We weren't allowed to close our bedroom doors and our rooms needed to be ready for viewing at all times...beds made, clothes put away, all knick-knacks in place, nothing out of place. We were only allowed to sit on the living room furniture when we had company. I AM NOT KIDDING! (However, I would like to note that when she sold the furniture to a relative 25 years after buying it, it looked brand new.) There were never any dishes in our sink or in a drain rack. They were washed, (even before going into the dishwasher), dried and put away IMMEDIATELY after each meal. I love my Mom, but lots of family time and fun time was given up because the house was "dirty". I found out later in life that her "perfect" house actually came from some things that happened in her childhood that made her feel so imperfect on the inside...but as a kid I didn't have that knowledge.

I definitely have not followed in my Mom's footsteps. My house is lived in...right now a little too lived in. Saturday is NEVER cleaning day...there is no designated day...just when I have a little extra time on my hands. We wear our shoes in the house if we want to, we even put our feet (without shoes) on the furniture. There are often dishes in the sink and I don't wash them in soapy water before putting them in the dishwasher. I use dishtowels to wipe my hands...anything that doesn't go in the dishwasher air dries. You wouldn't want to eat off of any of our floors. I still find little puffs of dog hair and the dog has been gone for a while now.

Maybe I should have found a balance. I always make plans to do better...but life is busy and the house is just not always my first priority. However, today 2 rooms are going to become a priority (can't really do his unless mine is a good example).

OK, have avoided it long enough...I'm going in, if you don't see a blog for awhile, please call 911.

Still in the weeds

2008-06-26T10:17:00.000-07:00

Ok, I actually spent 3 hours (off and on) trying to cut the huge weeds that I would like to call a yard. I don't even have a quarter of the front yard done...but the summer lies ahead of me (and Zack...my 14 year old...gets home from camp tomorrow). I started to get discouraged after working and not getting much done. Then I realized that it takes a long time to get ourselves in these weeds...why do we think in one afternoon we can get them cleared from our lives?

That's how life is. It took me years to become overweight...I'm not going to get thin overnight. It took me months to stack up all the disorganization in this house...I'm not going to organize in one day. Etc. Etc. I just have to plug along...that's what life's all about.

Today I'm taking a DAY OFF with a really good friend. Jimi and I are going 20 miles to her lake house (on a very small lake). It's going to be just us...eating, giggling, fishing, and just relaxing! I'm not going to think about my house or my yard or anything else hanging over my head right now. I'm going to enjoy a beautiful day by the lake with a really great friend.

Hope you all have a GREAT day!

SUMMER

2008-06-25T09:50:00.000-07:00

It's SUMMER!!! The sun is shining...the birds are singing...I slept in until 8 (after getting up at 5 for the last 9 months, that IS sleeping in)...and I am ready to go out in the yard and start "weed whacking". I have been putting it off for three days now.

Monday I dropped Zack off at the church for a week of camp, then came home and literally got off of the couch only to eat, go to the bathroom, and get more to eat. Yesterday I went back to school to clean out my room. For some reason, I had it pegged as a one to two hour job...6 hours later, I had the car completely packed and was ready to come home. So, today, I face the yard.

This shouldn't be so daunting...but it is. When we moved here in December, the yard was in bad condition. Front part was about 6 inches high and nothing but what looked like small twigs of something...back yard looked like a very wet wheat field...of course, can't do much of yard work December through at least March and April. Then we had snow in March AND April (really unusual for the Pacific Northwest unless you live in the mountains)...so, by the end of April when it started drying up, I knew we had to get to it soon. Of course, being a renter, I have no lawn mower or anything. I did ask the landlord several times if they could loan us a mower...needless to say, it never happened...so now I am looking at a wheat field surrounding my house. A mower wouldn't be able to get through it. I am getting ready to begin "whacking" a quarter of an acre so that we actually can begin mowing again. I guess I could save it for Zack...but I'm getting embarrassed by the looks of people driving by, as well as the neighbors. I have taken to putting up my hoodie as I leave the house and trying hard not to return until after dark. Since sunset doesn't happen until after 9, that is getting harder and harder.

I have to "get er done". I am taking this as a life lesson...when we don't take care of things that need taking care of...they get to a point that makes the task look impossible. I'm thinking of several issues in my own life. My weight...instead of handling it when it started getting out of control (how many years ago was that?)...I just keep letting it go. Now I am facing the fact that I HAVE to get rid of extra weight for numerous reasons...most of them health related. My house...another area that I have let go. It's not "dirty" dirty...just unorganized dirty. The condition of my cluttered house makes my head get cluttered. I could go on...but, at this point I am just avoiding going out there.

My lesson for today will be to quit avoiding and start mowing things when they need mowed. Off to the yard!

Students speak

2008-02-26T06:02:00.000-08:00

Mid-winter break is over. We've had a whole week off and I always love coming back and hearing some of the wonderful statements the students have to say.

"Do we have to have the test tomorrow? We haven't really had a lot of time to study."
(Yeah, I know, the fact that I told you 2 days BEFORE a week off...who would have time to study?}

"Do we have to do anything today?"
(No, let's all just sit here and recover from a week off.)

"I didn't have time to do my current event."
(Oh, poor thing, couldn't tear yourself away from the Wii?)

"I'm so tired. I can't wait until Friday."
{Well, don't let me spoil your naptime.)

"Did you have fun over break?"
(Yep, I did lesson plans, cleaned house, cooked for a change and watched a couple episodes of Oprah)

"I wasn't here the Friday before break. Did we do anything?"
(No sweetie, we just sat around wondering what you were doing.)

"When's our next day off?"
(Take yours now...it's 4 weeks away.)

Have a great day!

Where did it go?

2008-02-22T08:41:00.000-08:00

I wrote a really good blog the other day...too bad I didn't save it. I pushed the "publish post" button and got some message about something being down. (techno lingo...I don't get it) Anyway, the post disappeared somewhere out in "blog-land" and now I don't even remember what it was about. Probably had to do with ALL that I was going to get done during Mid-winter break. Maybe it's a good thing that it didn't get published. So far I have done a lot of NOTHING during mid-winter break. Now, here it is, the last three days and I have about 6 days worth of work to do.

This is all part of my new years resolution (remember those?) to not sweat the small stuff. This is actually BIG stuff...but I'm not going to sweat it. I have to put together 4 weeks worth of stuff for school. No biggie (she says with more than a hint of sarcasm in her voice). Actually, when I get on a roll, I can get it done. I'm in the midst of a roll now and have to stop to go have brunch with ex-roomie. Hopefully I won't come back home ready for a nap...but instead, inspired to write lesson plans that will inspire 120 students who are actually going to be counting the days until spring break.

I spent the last 2 days on the other side of the mountain...went to Yakima to watch our girls basketball team play at State Tournaments. It was fun to be there to cheer them on. If they win again this morning, they are guaranteed 8th or 5th in State. That's pretty cool for a team that has NEVER won at state at all before. It was fun to see our kids rally around other teams in our league who are usually the opposition. We all just want to see teams from our league make it big over there. Our cheerleaders even stepped in for a small tribal school that doesn't have it's own cheerleaders. They got in front of their crowd (mixed with a lot of our crowd) and led cheers during a double overtime game. The team we were cheering for won and we like to think that we helped somehow.

So, off to brunch and then back to the books.

Have a great day!

The Foley Flu

2008-02-13T05:52:00.000-08:00

I would not have made a good nurse. When I was very young, my mother started plying me with nurse's stuff. I got nurse's kits for birthdays and Christmas (all I really liked were the candy pills). I got nurse books (I still remember "Nurse Nancy"). And I even had nurse's costumes for Halloween. It had been her dream to be a nurse...it never grew on me. I'm seriously not great around sick people. Had I been a nurse, I would have been the type that said "Oh, you really aren't that sick." or else I would have crawled in bed beside my patients feeling their pain with them.

So, I married a man who took sickness to a brand new level. He stayed in bed 3 days once because he stepped on a nail (through big work boots) and finally got up ONLY if we could go buy a cane to help him walk. He kept asking me if the "wound" looked infected. I never actually saw the wound. My son could easily follow in his dad's footsteps. This child has had more aches and pains than any kid I know. Nothing serious. As a matter of fact, he's 14 and Saturday was maybe the third time in his life he's gone to the Dr. because he was actually sick. Even then (Saturday) I was really just taking him to shut him up. (I know that doesn't sound motherly at all, does it.)

Well, Monday morning at about 3:00 AM, whatever he had hit me like a ton of bricks. For the next 24 hours (plus), if I wasn't asleep, it was because I was up "spewing". Yesterday, when I finally ventured from my bed, I felt like I had been hit by a truck.

Never again will I roll my eyes when he tells me he doesn't feel well.

Whoosh

2008-02-04T05:42:00.000-08:00

That's the sound my weekend made as it zipped past me. Where did it go? Saturday I had the whole day ahead of me with no plans, no basketball games...just me, my lesson plans and a messy house. I think I actually slept in until 8:30. Somehow it was noon before I got around to the house cleaning. I figured if I did that first I would be ready to get to the lesson plans. I did actually accomplish something there...rearranged my room, thoroughly cleaned Zack's room and made the rest of the house passable. I decided at 6:00 pm to watch a movie while I ate dinner and then get to the lesson plans. I ended up finding a 2 part movie (about Sally Hemmings the slave/mistress of Thomas Jefferson) so it didn't end until 10:00. At that point I decided to go to bed and get up early.

I actually got up at 5:30 Sunday morning and worked hard on lesson plans until time to leave for church. I came home, worked another couple of hours, made an appetizer, and left for a Super Bowl party. At the party, I ate as if I would not see food for a few days...cheered on the Giants (no reason, just picked the underdog), picked up Zack, and came home to work a few more hours on, you guessed it, lesson plans. I didn't finish until 2:00 am! The bad news is, I have each class covered until Wednesday. Sometime in the next couple of days I actually have to figure out what to do in 4 separate subjects on Thursday and Friday!

Zack went to bed mad at me. Why? Because I don't want him to get a tattoo while he's with his Dad in Oregon during mid-winter break. I really believe EX sets me up for this stuff. He wants to ensure that Zack and I have something to fight about. He (EX) doesn't see the reason that Zack can't get one since in Oregon a kid can get a tattoo with his parents' permission. I'm sorry. I'm not really anti-tattoo (except when there is more tattoo than actual skin)...but he's 14. I can't control his mind, but surely I can still control what he does to his body.

This week is going to be crazy. Wednesday is the ONLY night this week that we will actually be home before 10:00. 3 basketball games and an Open House. But, there's light at the end of the rainbow. Two weeks from today I will be sleeping in and looking forward to a week off. I'm not leaving this house until I have all my lesson plans done for the rest of the quarter, as well as every box unpacked and put away.

Somebody remind me in two weeks that I said that.

SNOW DAY

2008-01-28T09:16:00.000-08:00

This has to be one of the top ten pleasures in life. Waking up at the usual 4:45 am and finding about 3 inches of new snow on the ground. Now in some areas of the country, it would be a typical winter morning...but in the great Pacific Northwest it means a SNOW DAY. I turned on the news and watched with anticipation and sure enough...no school today! And I hate to take credit...but this was another answer to prayer.

Friday was the last day of the semester. Tomorrow is the first day of the new semester. I have two new classes this semester (Civics and 10th grade English). I am not prepared for either one. I had a busy weekend...basketball games Thursday night (Zack scored 15 points, by the way), Friday night and Saturday (from 2:00 until 9:00). After church yesterday I went to a friend's house to do laundry ( I MUST get a working wash machine) and graded papers while I washed and waited. Came home at 9 and continued grading until 2:00 AM. I HAD to get them done. As I was heading off to bed, I heard the weather saying there MIGHT be some precipitation between then and Tuesday. I whispered a prayer, "Please let it be tomorrow". THANKS GOD!

So, I will now record all the grades I graded and have time to plan some lessons for this week. I might even get a couple more boxes unpacked while I'm at it! And all of this will be done in sweats. What could be better?

Have a great week.

Monday Tuesday

2008-01-22T06:13:00.000-08:00

I love three day weekends...but then today becomes a "Monday Tuesday". I don't care how you look at it, even though the calendar says this is a Tuesday and you know tomorrow will be a Wednesday...today is Monday.

I feel like I may be at the end of my "blah" period. The fact that the sun was shining most of the
day yesterday probably helped. It's also drawing close to the end of the month and the end of January means that we can get through February pretty quickly. Once March hits, you know spring can't be too far behind.

My weekend didn't go quite as scheduled (do they ever?)...but it was a good one. Was it productive? Not as productive as it should have been, but I did find a great deal on 3 new blouses/shirts and haven't bought myself any clothes for a very long time. That brightened my weekend. I also got a new haircut and I must say, I look a little like Harpo Marx...but that's what happens to short, naturally curly hair.

It's going to be a busy week...end of semester, papers to be graded, grades to be recorded...but I'm not sweating it. It will all get done.

Hope your week is a great one!

Blah

2008-01-16T05:52:00.001-08:00

Is blah really a word? Right now all I know is that it's a feeling. It seems like I have a pattern of getting the blahs every year about this time. I'm not depressed...but feel right on the edge of depression. I don't feel a lot to be excited about. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like crawling back into bed, pulling up the covers and just hanging out there a few days. I don't feel social...I don't feel successful...at anything. The list goes on.

In previous years I felt like I had a reason. This year I really don't. God has blessed me so much this past year. So, right now I feel guilty along with "blah".

Guess I have to give myself permission to not be "up" all the time. I know that what I'm feeling is a mixture of after-holiday letdown, end of semester pressure, and a lot of "I can't wait until spring" anxiety. So, I'm human. God doesn't say that everyday is going to be sunny and bright. He doesn't say that I have to be Miss Cheerful all the time.

This weekend (a 3 day), Zack is with his Dad and I'm going to take care of me. I still have boxes to unpack...but they've waited this long. I'm going to sleep in, maybe stay in my pj's all day Saturday, and just generally have a really lazy day. I even heard rumors that the sun may come out this weekend. (It really doesn't do that a lot in the Pacific Northwest during the month of January.) Hopefully that will help.

Have a good day.

Surpr-eyes... Surpr-eyes....Surpr-eyes....

2008-01-09T05:51:00.000-08:00

No, I haven't forgotten how to spell...just wanted to sound like Gomer Pyle. This has been a week of surprises...and it looks like they may continue.

Surprise #1...Came back to school last Wednesday after a very busy (and somewhat emotionally draining) holiday to find that our school has been sold...lock, stock and barrell. Seems we were in worse financial trouble than the staff had actually been told and the only way out was to sell to another Christian school. We all believe this is a good thing...the school that bought us is very reputable and appears to run their facilities well. But, there is always trepidation of the unknown. We were told that they want to maintain our school's history and heritage...but there will be some changes. First thing that had to happen was to cut $100k a month of overages. I think we all realized that would be staff cuts, but that doesn't make it easier. The cutting has begun and has included a couple more surprises. That puts all of us on the edge of our seats. Today will be our first staff meeting with the new administration...and I think all of us are anxious to hear more details about the changes to come.

Surprise #2...Came home Monday evening to no heat. Nothing, nada, zilch...temperature outside was around 34 degrees, inside it felt like 32. We both bundled up for the evening, lit a fire in the fireplace and found it very difficult to hop out of bed Tuesday morning. (especially when we woke up to 3 inches of snow!) This house has oil heat. Someone told me it was much more efficient. Well, I think I could deal with a $150 electric bill better than I can a $400 oil bill...especially when I just had it filled on December 5. So, money I had set aside for this month's rent is now gone which means all of it has to come out of next pay check which will leave us very little for the next 2 weeks. I had been told that most families of 4 have to fill a 300 gallon tank twice a year...yesterday when I called for another 100 gallon, the lady said that that's true, however, one filling (300 gal.) usually takes place in November and lasts for about 3 months. Then the next filling lasts for the rest of the year because the heat is not as necessary. So, have to work another 100 gallons into the budget after this month. As cold as it has been and as many drafty spots as we have in this house will eat up this 100 gallons in a month or less.
This weekend, I plan on putting plastic over every window in the house. I am not worried about appearances at this point.

How we handle life's surprises and ups and downs helps us realize where we are on the "faith maturity" level. Sometimes I find myself feeling very immature in that area. I am working on facing these surprises without overreacting...without saying "why me?"...without questioning God.

Wish I wasn't so human.

My Time

2008-01-06T07:10:00.000-08:00

Time...hours, minutes, seconds...sometimes I think that there is no time for me. I make a plan to use MY time (wisely or not so wisely)...and somehow it gets used elsewhere. Zack is with his Dad this weekend, so in my mind as I am planning my weekend, I have lots of time. But, somehow, it always goes to someone else.

Friday evening...Zack has basketball practice until 5:00. Then I have to cart him to his Dad's house. I do 75% of the transporting and it's a 25 mile trip one way. It wouldn't be so bad except that there is NO PLACE in the great NorthWest where traffic is NOT an issue. (At least, no place that I have found.) Fridays are the worst. So, a 50 mile round trip can't be done in an hour...on a good day, I can sometimes do it in 2 hours, but usually closer to 3. Needed to hurry back to go to a movie with a friend I have been promising for weeks. As I was rushing back, she called to reschedule for Sunday afternoon. I don't know why I couldn't have just said, "Sunday isn't really good for me." But, that's where I need to learn to speak up for my time. So, got home and thought about starting to take down the Christmas decorations or doing lesson plans...but Friday evenings I am usually drained...emotionally, physically, etc. And this week was an emotional one (another story for later)...so, I fixed a nice dinner for myself and plopped into a chair to enjoy "Friday Night Lights" and could barely keep my eyes open until 10:00 PM. (Remember when we were young and could actually stay up until 2:00 AM on Fridays?)

Saturday morning: Up early and out for a National Honor Society brunch. I am co-advisor because, hey, I have nothing else to do with my spare time. The plan was to leave there at noon and head for home to get all Christmas down, START unpacking boxes (gee, I only moved on the 15th of December...did you really think I would be unpacked yet?) HOWEVER, as I was leaving the brunch, I got a phone call from ex. Zack was going to be allowed to play in his basketball game afterall. (another long story which will probably not be told, but has to do with the mental torture ex loves to put Zack and I through). So, instead of heading home, headed for the school and a really good basketball game (which we sadly lost by a great 3 point shot in the last minute). Instead of leaving right after that game, we let Zack stay and hang out for the girls game and went to Costco. I finally got home at about 4:00. I started taking down decorations...and worked until about 9:00. Had to quit then to make a quick run to K-Mart...never quick...and got back home at about 10:30. Did some more un-decorating while I watched a SAD Hallmark movie. Then went to bed.

So, here it is, Sunday morning at 7:00 am. I still have a Christmas tree (half decorated) in my living room...still don't know where the box is with clean socks...and have a butt load of stuff to do. I am supposed to be at church in 2 1/2 hours...stay for a meeting after church, go back for another meeting/party at 6:00 pm...go to a movie sometime during the afternoon...AND get the decorations down, living room stuff situated, make a path in the "box" room and at least know where some of the stuff we need is, get lesson plans done for the week and go back and pick Zack up sometime during all of that.

See what I mean about time? So, what I have decided to do...sometimes you just have to step out and take control...I'm skipping church. I really do have a huge headache. But, if I go, I will sit there thinking about all I have to do and how I'm not going to have time to get it done...I will not concentrate on God or on the message or anything. Instead, God and I are going to commune to some great music and prayer while I commence to "undecorate" and get some lesson plans done. I think I can at least have that done by 2:00 before I head out for a movie (that I will probably sleep through).

Looking at the calendar ahead of me...the next "free time" I may have is next Saturday. I'm not even going to think about planning it out.

Did I say something about being a better mother?

2008-01-03T05:51:00.000-08:00

That's the way it goes, you set a goal, and suddenly you face a challenge. My challenge is 14 years old and his name is Zack. Every once in a while, I look at him and think "where did he come from?". It's been a long time since I was 14. And when I was 14, I still feared "the hand". Not the "talk to the hand" hand...but the one that suddenly jumped out at my head if I DARED roll my eyes, talk back, or somehow LOOK like I had attitude. I live 3000 miles away from that "hand" and still shrink back from the phone if I feel like I say something that might sound a little disrespectful.

I tried to be different as a Mom. I love my Mom, but she had a lot of issues and many of them came out in her disciplining her children. I have obviously not instilled a lot of fear in Zack. I'm ok with that (most of the time).

He is becoming more independent...at least when it comes to me. That's a natural step at this age. I'm sure there are books written about it. I'm not the person he wants to spend his free time with. I knew that would come eventually. I knew there would come a time when he'd rather do anything else than hang out with his Mom. And I thought I was ready for it...but I'm now wondering if you are ever ready for it.

I still want to stay connected. I told him yesterday that we would be spending some quality time together from now on. We need to stay connected. His response? "Geez Mom, we drive together to school and home. I'm in your class. You see me all the time. " So, I have a feeling this "quality time" that I am planning with him will be under duress...but that's my job. I want to stay connected...and have to stay connected.

I wonder if God feels the same way with his "kids"? Spending time with Him daily sometimes becomes a chore, yet it's one that I have learned (finally) that I HAVE to do. And to maintain a better relationship with my son, as well as becoming a better mother...I first, have to become a better child. Hmmmmmm.

That's something to think about.

Resolutions

2007-12-31T09:24:00.001-08:00

I am one of those people who actually make "resolutions" for the new year. I like the idea of new beginnings. I know that each and every day is a new beginning, but I especially enjoy that one year is over and a new one is beginning. I love (and fear) the mystery of a new year and the joys (and possibly griefs) it will bring with it.

This year I have quite a few "resolutions". I don't know that I will accomplish each one successfully, but there is something about putting them in writing that makes me at least think about them once in a while. If we don't set some types of goals for ourselves and reach for them, we will never go anywhere.

1. I resolve to be more aware of my health. (this is the easy way to say I should be watching what I eat, exercising, ending bad habits that contribute to poor health, etc.)
2. I resolve to be a better mom. (I'm not bad now, but there is always room for improvement)
3. I resolve to TRY to be more organized. (I can organize a party or activity...but if you look at my desk at school and the PILES of papers, books, etc on the floor surrounding my desk, you would never believe that I can even spell "organize")
4. I resolve to "not sweat the small stuff". (This one also covers a magnitude of issues. )
5. I resolve to love unconditionally.
6. I resolve to live daily in a way that people recognize Christ in me without my having to actually say so. (There's really something to be said when you tell someone you're a Christian and they look at you with a surprised look on their face. )
7. I resolve to be more positive. (I come from a long line of complainers, whiners and "the glass is half empty" kind of people. It's REALLY NOT hereditary!)
8. I resolve to not be broke a week before payday. (I resolved that as I looked at my EMPTY bank account and wallet this morning.)
9. I resolve to think about myself once in a while. (I have a tendency to take care of everyone around me, expecting the same in return...sometimes, you just have to think about yourself.)
10. I resolve to do something this year that I've never done before. (don't know what that will be, but can't wait to find out)

OK, there are a few dozen more goals that I would like to achieve, but I'll stop there.

Happy New Year!

Where Have I Been?

2007-12-30T07:14:00.000-08:00

I am going to assume that all of my faithful readers (at least 3 of them) have completely given up on me and will not even be checking anymore to see if I EVER continue blogging again. I've been "gone" quite a while.

I need to get back to it. Blogging is cathartic in so many ways. So, here I am...two days left in the year...but still so much to do.

December was a CRAZY month! That's all I can truly say. We were supposed to move on Dec. 1, then December 8 and finally we actually DID move on December 15. Can you imagine what that did to my December schedule? Well, let me just say that my Christmas cards and annual Christmas letter are still sitting in a bag, the cards not even opened. I still plan on sending them out. I figure it will be a treat for those who thought the holidays were finally over.

My Christmas decorations are all up (and beautiful, if I say so myself)...but we still don't know where the box is with clean socks. I keep thinking I'm going to get to that "room" with all the boxes...but just keep walking past it. School break is almost over and I still have about 45 research papers to grade AND lesson plans to plan. Zack has spent most of the break with his Dad...wish I could say that went well...but it is Ex's purpose in life to make sure that everyone is just as miserable as he is. I know Zack is glad to be home right now.

Now that it's all over (except for the 'taking down of the decorations'), I realize that once again I got too caught up in all the trimmings of Christmas and didn't take enough time to think fully about the true purpose of the season. I have this wonderful son and wonderful friends and a new "old" house to live in...I am teaching full time for the first time in many years, etc. I have so much to be thankful for and to reflect on. Yet, I know that I have put God on the backburner once again.

I hope that all of you had a wonderful holiday and I wish the new year to bring you all of the joy and peace you can handle.

Merry Christmas!

The Turkey Has Landed

2007-11-24T09:06:00.001-08:00

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I enjoyed cooking and eating. This has been a busy weekend and still have a lot left to do before it is over.

I was planning on posting all the things I am thankful for this morning. (and there really are a lot of things)...but the "turkey" landed on us last night.

Ex and I have an "every other year" parenting plan for holidays. This is Ex's year. However, a couple of weeks ago he called and said that he had decided to go to Vegas over the holiday and Zack could stay home. He flew back into town yesterday. Anyway, Zack and I didn't think as we made our plans for the weekend that Ex would be having him at his house for the rest of the weekend. Zack has had basketball practice every day (except Thursday) and was planning on going again this morning. They have their first game on Tuesday. (For those of you who don't know, he made 1st string on the JV team.) Well, we couldn't have a completely nice weekend now, could we?

Ex called last night at about 10 pm. He set us up with a test and we didn't pass. He asked what Zack was doing today. I told him he had practice and then was going to come home and help me do some things and then had plans with friends tonight. WRONG ANSWER! Ex flipped out...said this was his weekend and it was "nice" that I made plans for Zack without even checking with him. The phone calls kept up until about 1:00 am. He was ranting and raving about the fact that Zack didn't even call him to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving. He doesn't take into account that HE gave up his time with Zack to go to Vegas. Anyway, long story short...not much sleep last night AND he showed up here at 7:30 am to pick Zack up and make sure that he DIDN'T get to go to practice this morning. Zack is now fearing that he won't get to play on Tuesday because he missed a practice.

This is the time I kick myself for ever bringing Zack out here to live. We came here so that he could have a relationship with his Dad. I was hoping Ex would be a better father than husband. Nope, as a matter of fact, he's a worse father than husband. I was an adult and though it took me awhile, I eventually realized that it was his problems and not really mine. I don't know if Zack is getting that yet. I know he's in pain and I feel responsible.

As he left this morning I hugged him and whispered in his ear, "don't let him win". Say a quick prayer for him this morning. I know he could use it.

Day beforeThanksgiving

2007-11-21T08:48:00.000-08:00

5 days OFF! Gee, what will I do with all that time? Hmmmm, lesson plans? Yeah. Grading papers? Yeah. Packing and getting ready to move? Yeah. Cooking a small Thanksgiving dinner to go with the room-mates' prime rib? Yeah. Laundry? Yeah. Getting Zack back and forth to basketball practice? Yeah.

OK, well, I really do have 5 days off. I have a lot to do...but when I'm "off" I can do it when I want to. My goal is not to save 90% of it to do until Sunday afternoon and evening.

This morning I'm off to Goodwill, Value Village, and a couple other thrift stores...I don't think I'll find beds, but still need an entertainment center and a living room chair or love seat. I'm not ashamed to shop there...if someone were to ask my decorating style, I would say "early Grandma's attic". I like old things. They can't be dirty to too damaged...they have to have character. I get excited when I find something really cheap, yet with character and little need for repair. They built things better in the old days!

Later today I will post my "annual" Thanksgiving thanks list. *This will actually be the FIRST annual since I didn't have a blog last year....just wanted to set the anticipatory mood.

Gotta get going and get the shopping adventure underway!

Turkey vs. Prime Rib

2007-11-19T09:44:00.001-08:00

I love Thanksgiving. I love the whole process of cooking Thanksgiving dinner. I haven't been able to do that for a couple of years now. Guess it will be another year before I get the pleasure.

Room-mate doesn't have her kids this year. For 2 weeks she has been talking about her and boyfriend (who does have his son) going out to eat. I kept saying that since they weren't cooking here, I was going to be making a big, traditional Thanksgiving dinner (crazy me, I still like tradition) and instead of going out to eat, they should just have dinner with us. I've had the menu and the grocery list made up for a week, and was really looking forward to my day in the kitchen.

So, last night, right before they went to bed room-mate calls me. (Yeah, she was in her bedroom about 90 feet away and she called me.) They have decided they are going to have dinner here, but boyfriend wants prime rib. (FOR THANKSGIVING???) She said that if I want to cook a small turkey earlier in the day, they will allow time for that and that boyfriend will make the stuffing/dressing because he has a great recipe for cornbread dressing.

Well, turkey poop! It wasn't about cooking a turkey. We've had invitations to traditional dinners that we've turned down. I'm sure we could call up and re-invite ourselves, but I really need the day to get moving stuff done and just want to be able to spend the day at home working on things that I need to work on. So, I guess we'll be eating prime rib.

And again, God teaches me things through these little frustrations. I can't spend the week pouting and whining. I will get the things done that I need to get done and eat the prime rib and will cook a Thanksgiving dinner soon after we get moved into our own place. I have to accept that I can't control these things.

We don't always have control over situations, God wants us to let go of our control and give it back to Him. I've never considered myself a real controlling person, but I like things to go the way I plan them (guess that makes me a somewhat controlling person)...sometimes God has other plans. We want "turkey" and He wants to give us "prime rib".

Quit whining and enjoy the prime rib.

I'm running out of catchy titles

2007-11-13T18:55:00.000-08:00

Wow! Thanksgiving is NEXT WEEK! How can that be? I promise, sometime between now and then I'll tell you all that I am thankful for.

We've had a rather interesting few days here at the homefront. I love being a mother...most of the time, but there's not a book out there with everything you need to know (besides the Bible, of course). After all the years I've worked with teenagers, I often look at my own and know that we all need help sometimes. Can't go into details, but the final outcome of this past weekend is that Zack no longer has computer or cell phone privileges. He is going through WITHDRAWAL. I also want to warn anyone who's kid is on Myspace...there are places they can hide what they are doing. I have had access to his Myspace since we allowed him to use it...but stuff was hidden somehow. His Dad (who always seems to expect the worst) put spyware on his computer and ...well, that's all I will say on the subject. (Except that I must add, I HATE when he's right.) But I went through a weekend of feeling like I'm not passing this course (parenthood) with flying colors. Opened up a lot of great conversation and a bit of pouting here and there...but that's to be expected. Discipline is never easy for any of us...the givers, the receivers, etc.

One day he will realize he was truly loved and protected...of course, I'll be 80 years old by then. (smile)

I reminded him that no matter what, I love him and God loves him. In reminding him of this I was reminded that no matter what...my ability to whine and complain about everything, my lack of discipline (eating, smoking, etc.), my lack of faith, etc....God still loves me too.

During all of that "stuff", room-mate's 10 year old and 8 year old had a birthday party sleepover. 8 little boys above my head most of the weekend. It wasn't too bad until the bat flew into the living room through the chimney. I was sleeping, but the blood curdling screams woke me up. (the screams came from room-mate's boyfriend). She chased the bat out of the front window with a broom while he held up a towel (mostly around his head) so that the bat wouldn't fly down the hall. (yeah, right) It was funny.

Moving day is coming quickly...YIKES!

What's my combination?

2007-11-06T05:49:00.000-08:00

Remember the dream about being "underclothed" and standing in the hall at high school trying to remember your combination? The more you turn the dial...the further away from the real combination you are. Your heart is pounding, your palms are sweating...the bell is about to ring and you are standing there in the hall in your birthday suit or granny underwear. Aaaugh!

This is the time of year I start getting that feeling... all the time. I guess it's the stress of the upcoming holidays. They are supposed to be a time of family and fun and love and instead they are a time of: no money, Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas cards--no one knows my address, no money, gifts, mailing gifts, no money, decorations, tree, holiday activities, no money....

So, add to that...moving in three weeks...and creating lesson plans, grading papers, doing laundry (how do 2 people use that many clothes?), figuring out meals, making lunches..I think you are getting my drift.

The good news, I don't need meditation or medication...just need to stay in prayer and keep things fresh with God. He'll get me through, help me find the JOY and keep those creative juices flowing. He'll help me remember the combination if I keep trusting Him.

Have a great day!

The Theme of my year

2007-11-03T10:14:00.000-07:00

It's funny, when I chose the name of my blog I really didn't realize it would become a theme. I mean, I know that as a Christian, I am always still in the planning stages of my life. I'm always preparing for the next test, or for the next person whom I can help through the "wisdom of my own experience", etc. Anyway, the theme just keeps on.

I went to see the new house. Now, in case you don't know this about me, I have always been the person who can look at the lump of coal and see the diamond inside. (Diamonds and coal really don't have anything to do with each other, do they?) I saw this in my ex-husband...and married the lump of coal anyway (should have waited for the diamond to make an appearance)...Anyway, the house is similar to a lump of coal. It was built in the 1920's and I don't think the lawn has had anything done to it since then. Right now there does not appear to be grass surrounding the house, but instead briers, weeds, and possibly wheat. The inside of the house is in several stages of work. The basement is large and has a work area (with w/d hook-up), an extra room, and a separate pantry area. However, it is missing several windows (which the owner says will be replaced) and vines have grown through the open spaces and into the area. I'm also wondering what types of small (or large) animals may have come through those same holes. The kitchen is small, but will serve it's purpose...just as soon as they replace the track lighting for regular lights. The attic (which will be Zack's room) was stripped to the bare wood...but the owner was working on that when we got there the other night. It will be a nice space for Zack (my friends who will help move will hate me though when we start moving things up through those tiny stairs.) The two bedrooms downstairs...well, my bed will fit in one...the smaller one will serve as a closet/office. I'm not even going to venture a guess as to why there are 3 large hooks hanging in what will be my bedroom. I will merely find some cool lamps and plants to hang from them.

The point is...I see a gem there. I see the potential in what it will look like with a chair here, a rug there, a flower bed under the picture window. It's got character...cute little fireplace and mantle in the living room...walls curve into the ceiling (everything is stucco). I'm excited about living there (though to be honest, dreading moving again). The house will be up for sale after the first of the year. It could go in a month...or it could take a year.

The point is...the house and my life are still in the planning stages. I don't know what the final product will look like, but it's exciting trusting God through the whole process.

Boo

2007-10-31T05:45:00.000-07:00

Scared you, right? I'm like a ghost these days when it comes to blogging. See what a difference a real job makes? I started blogging when I was working in an office and I spent about an hour a day working and the rest of the day answering the phone. That tends to leave a lot of time on your hands. That's something I really NEVER seem to have anymore. I keep thinking it will get better, but so far that doesn't seem to be happening.

I'm definitely NOT complaining. I love, love, love, love, LOVE being a teacher. I am still having so much fun. But, some days I feel like the hampster on the wheel...running, running, running and just when I think I might slow down a little, I have to start running again.

Let me fill you in on the latest news about the housing conditions. I have been praying for the miracle. We still don't have to be out of here for a little while, but December 1 was my goal. Well, on Monday I mentioned our need for a place at our staff prayer time and on Tuesday morning(yesterday) one of the other teachers came in and said, "I have a house if you want it." Seems she and her husband were trying the "flip this house" thing...it worked well the first time, so the 2nd time her husband bought two houses and then the market flipped instead of the houses. So, they have this one house sitting empty...they really haven't done a lot of work to it yet, but she offered it to us for $800 a month. No down payment, no deposit, no credit check (after all, she knows where I work and now she'll know where I live!) The catch is that they will eventually put it up on the market so we need to keep it "ready to show" (motivation to keep the house really clean and neat) and then if it sells we have to be ready to move.

I can live with that. God knows what's ahead, I don't have to worry about it. That's the whole joy of being part of the "planning stages".

Have a great Halloween!

Time Flies

2007-10-19T06:44:00.000-07:00

They say time flies when you are having fun! I guess so. I can't believe it's been so long since I've blogged. Things have gotten so busy, I barely have time to check my e-mail these days.

I am having a blast! I love being a teacher. There are moments when it's a "job"...just like any job. Things you have to do that you don't really care for. But, for the most part, I do love my job. Besides regular classroom activities, I am the Jr. class advisor and we are getting ready for the big Jr.-Sr. banquet in May. (no dancing at our school) This is our equivalent to Prom. So, it's a big deal. Last year the Juniors (now Seniors) hosted the event on a nice harbor cruise. My Juniors were worried that we wouldn't be able to top that. Last Saturday, I spent the day with 4 kids, running around Seattle looking at all kinds of beautiful venues...none of which we would be able to afford. Finally we found the perfect place, in our price range and we are beginning to plan a night no one will forget for a long time. I love this part of the job too!

Yesterday and today, the kids are out of school while we (the staff) are attending a conference sponsored by the Association of Christian Schools. It's nice to be doing something a little different (though sleeping in would be even nicer). Even through this, God is teaching me some important lessons.

I went to a Baptist church when I was young. As soon as I was old enough to choose for myself, I left that church and I will honestly say that it left a bad taste in my mouth. We never learned about an "abundant" Christian life...seems like all we ever heard was "THOU SHALT NOT..." As teens we weren't allowed to dance, listen to rock and roll music, play cards, wear the clothes everyone else was wearing, go to movies, etc. etc. etc. It appears that the Association of Christian Schools is leaning towards that type of belief system. So, yesterday I could feel the rebellious teenager rising up within me. I really had to pray about my attitude and I started calming down a little.

God makes us all differently. Maybe part of my purpose is to help balance things out. It's all part of His plan, right? I am learning to listen with an open mind and then state my own feelings without stepping on too many toes. (at least I hope I am)

Never Mind

2007-10-09T05:55:00.000-07:00

Remember the "old days" of Saturday Night Live? Gilda Radner played a character who would come onto the news and discuss social issues...except she was older and always got them wrong. Example: She did a long diatribe about violins in school. Why shouldn't children learn to play the violin? Yada Yada Yada....Then Chevy Chase would say, "That's Violence in schools, not violins!" And she would look at the camera and say, "Never mind."

Well, I'm looking at the camera...turns out if something is too good to be true, then it's probably too good to be true. We are now looking for a place to live. The free rent house fell through. So, now we are looking and waiting for another miracle. I don't know all the details, just know that plans changed.

This may slow down the process somewhat. I was hoping to move by the end of this month, but this may change things until the 1st of December. Have to have time to put away some money. I'm still trying to figure out where to find some money to put away. LOL

You know what though? It all goes back to the planning stages...even with the new job (which is a miracle and I still love every minute of it)...it doesn't mean that God is done teaching us lessons. I still have to be open to what He's showing me and where He's leading me. It will be exciting and fun to see where we end up.

Casual Day

2007-10-05T05:50:00.000-07:00

Why is it that the wearing of jeans to work is SUCH an exciting thing? Seriously, last Friday we (the staff at school) found out that we may wear jeans on Fridays (can't wear my 'holey' jeans...even if I do work at a Christian school). This morning, when the alarm went off, I nearly jumped out of bed!

The older I get the more I realize that jeans are like good friends. (1) You have to look long and hard to find jeans that fit just right...not too tight, not too lose...just right. (2) The more you wear them, the more you love them. (3) Good jeans are always comfortable. (4) My jeans make me feel less stressed. I can just be me when wearing them...don't have to pretend to be 'Miss Professional'. (5) I can go anywhere I love going in my jeans. (6) As they grow older, they are even better...softer, better color, even more comfortable. (7) I keep good jeans around for YEARS! I do whatever it takes to make them last.

Alright, the day is beginning...gotta get my jeans moving!

October 1

2007-10-01T05:47:00.000-07:00

Can it really be October already?

I don't get sick too often, but whatever I had this past week, knocked ME OUT! I went to bed early Friday night and slept through the night. Spent most of Saturday in bed. Wish I could say I got lots of sleep...but room-mate and her boyfriend decided that whatever needed to be pounded would be pounded on Saturday. Then there were her two boys and his one up above me on the hardwood floor. Even in socks, they sounded like a herd of elephants as they chased each other from the living room, through the dining room, through the kitchen and back into the living room. And by noon I was ready to get up and give ALL of them lessons in closing a door without slamming it. The topper was when her bf decided to mow the lawn while it wasn't raining. Seems the very small patch of grass right by my bedroom window must have been the grassiest in the entire yard. He was mowing by my window for at least 45 minutes.

Since I was so well rested after Saturday, I was still really sick on Sunday...so didn't make it too church and actually slept for a few extra hours in peace. I did finally have to get up because ex must have called me 25 times in 2 hours. He and Zack were shopping because Zack has his first big dance this coming weekend. It would have just been easier for me to go shopping with them.

Something good did come out of the weekend though. Ex has some really good friends who are snowbirds (not that it really snows much here). They have a 5th wheel that is bigger than most apartments and they get in it around the end of October and don't come back until mid-April. They usually have their daughter come to their house once a day while they are gone to take care of their cat. Well, they have generously offered to let Zack and I stay there for 5 months while they are gone. That's my September miracle! They offered the house for FREE! I insisted that we at least pay the electric, seeing that they aren't going to be there to use any of it. It's about 5 miles closer to school...but further away from Zack's friends. However, after he got a look at the house, he doesn't seem to mind. (I think the wide screen got him.)

The other problem is that "cat" is old and they are worried that contact with a dog would cause a heart attack. So, we are in the process of looking for a place for Sammi to stay while we live there. I love Sammi, she's part of the family...but this is an opportunity that we really can't give up. Don't have to come up with first, last, and deposit...can put money away to be prepared for a nice little house in April, and still have some left over for groceries and much needed car repairs.
(My car is a blog unto itself.)

Anyway, here I am, ready to start a new month. And seeing that I spent 45 minutes this morning trying to get into Zack's locked room...another blog, another time...I guess I better get moving!

Catching up

2007-09-29T08:39:00.000-07:00

I really never thought I'd get this far behind on my blogging. Seeing that it's been so long since I last blogged, don't even really know where to start.

I'm staying busy, busy, busy. There are always lessons to plan, papers to grade, meetings to attend, places to get Zack to, places to get myself to...and somewhere in there, I need to find time to sleep. This past week it seemed to all catch up to me and just felt like I was running on a treadmill. Couldn't quite get to where I needed to get to, but kept running anyway. I overslept THREE days in a row...still made it to school on time, but I'm not a morning person. I don't like to start out in a rush...have to e-a-s-e my way into the day. When that doesn't happen, it seems like I never do get the day in control. Then on top of that, started sneezing Wednesday...felt the lightness in my head, the congestion building in the chest...and sure enough by Thursday had a full out head cold. I probably should have spent Thursday and maybe even Friday in bed...but it's too early in the year to start taking sick days. I like to save them for the spring when I can actually enjoy them. :)

Anyway, all of this is a sign to me that I need to slow down and get caught up. I can't be super teacher...super mom...super church volunteer...I just have to do what I can do and do it well. I came home from school yesterday (after the two hour round trip to drop Zack off at his Dad's)...took some cold medicine and went to bed. I woke up about 3 hours later, had a bowl of soup and went back to bed. I didn't sleep the whole time and must admit to watching "The Biggest Loser" (which I had taped during the week) while eating a 2 lb. bag of M&M's. I am obviously not vying for the BL crown.

So, today and tomorrow are going to be slow down days. I have some lessons to plan...need to do some housework...but whatever doesn't get done isn't going to kill me or anyone else. I have to realize that I'm human (and one that's getting older, and hopefully wiser). I have to learn to set a pace that I can live with.

It's still early...so think I will start out with another cup of coffee and my recording of the first episode of "Ugly Betty".

Gangsta boy--Part II

2007-09-20T05:20:00.000-07:00

We have to move...I think I ended on that note.

This is another opportunity for a miracle. August was full of them (job, financial stuff, etc.) and I claimed more for the rest of the year...but you know, when you don't need a miracle, you tend to forget to look for them. Maybe this is just God's way of reminding me that He's around and He's going to continue taking care of things.

We don't have to be out until January 1st. However, I have NO intention of moving during Christmas break. It takes me a week to get my decorations fully out and where I want them, then another week (or sometimes two because I'm more resistant in taking them down) to un-decorate. I don't want to be doing both and moving...and no way I'm going through Christmas without all of my decorations up and around. So, my plan is to move by December 1st. (sooner, if possible)

Now, that gives us a couple of months, so should be no problem, right? Oh, I wish that were true. But as wise and insightful as I may sound on my blog (ok, that's what I'm usually going for anyway)...my financial life is really a total mess.

I have been broke since a few days after I graduated from college. Ok, maybe not the whole time. But I've never made a lot of money and usually when I've made a good salary, it's been a monthly pay check and by the time the end of the month rolls around, the whole thing goes to pay for what we need and what we owe.

I do have a savings account. I use it to hold my money so that I don't spend it while it's in my physical possession. I struggle to make it last from one pay check to another. I used to spend frivolously. I haven't been able to do that for a while. For the past 5 years, my income has barely covered my out-go.

My point there is to say it's not like I have first month, last month and deposit stuck away somewhere. And before I even need that, I have to pass a credit check. (Ha, with that 5 figured number that I still owe for my Master's Degree.)

So, here's the requirements (or wish list) for my next miracle: (1) house (not apartment, condo or townhouse),(2) pets ok, (can't get rid of Sammi--she's family), (3)no credit check, (4) water, sewage included, (5) close to where we are now (that's Zack's wish since his bff lives within bicycle distance) and (6) CHEAP. If you don't live on the west coast, you don't know just how expensive the cost of living is here. I'm now bringing home about $1800 a month. I'm praying for $900 a month or under for rent...that would be a miracle.

Parts of the miracle have begun already...my ex has volunteered to pay whatever it takes to get us into a place. How nice, you may be saying...and yes, I suppose it is...however, that means no child support payments for a few months because we would be getting it all in one lump sum for that time period. If that's what it takes, we'll manage that.

I'll keep you up to date with all the details. In the meantime...off to school!

Gangsta thief boy

2007-09-18T05:37:00.000-07:00

Every morning I spend some time reading from the Bible and then writing in my journal. I don't write anything profound (maybe after I'm dead someone will think so)...just have always been the type of person who needs to talk things out and journaling lets me talk to myself. Anyway, I'm getting off track. A couple of days ago I was noticing that when I'm in "need" I seem to write more. Well, I think my writing is about to increase again.

Room-mate and I found each other on Craigslist. We were both single moms looking for a way to live in a house rather than an apartment. She has 2 boys (7 and 10), while I have Zack (14). She moved to this particular street because this is the street where her boys live with their dad and his 3rd wife and her 2 boys (4 and 6). Her ex is similar to mine in that he is very controlling and likes to wreak havoc whenever possible. The big difference is mine doesn't work and hers is an attorney. I don't know the whole story, but when she left, she was working nights so gave him custody until she could get "on her feet". The plan when she moved to our street was to share them half and half.

OK, enter my very normal 14 year old son. I'm a mom. I think I'm pretty realistic about behavior both good and bad. I know my son has a little of both. (Some days a LOT of one or the other.) But, all in all, he's a very good kid. He rolls his eyes on cue and even gets disrespectful at times...but never to the point of utter defiance. Anyway...that's the set up, here's the situation.

Room-mate's ex has told her that there is "no way in hell" she will get her kids more than once a week and every other weekend as long as that "juvenile delinquent" lives in her home. Now let me back that up with what he's seen.

Strike #1 Q, the then 9 year old son of Roomie, was hanging out playing x-box with Zack and 2 of his teenaged buddies. Someone didn't use their common sense and change the conversation while Q was in the room. Sometime during the game, making out was discussed. I'm sure the teens didn't think a thing about what they were saying...However her X (I will refer to him as X for the purpose of this story) was not impressed when Q explained to X the difference between kissing and making out. (Seems making out involves hands). Zack doesn't even remember having that conversation with his friends...and even if he did, would he admit that to his mom? However, when X asked where he learned that, Q said "Zack".

Strike #2 Zack went down the street to a public bb court which happens to be right across the street from Q and C's house. The boys came out to play bb with Zack. That led to riding their bikes around the house and "jumping" over obstacles in the woody area behind the house. Q said they should move one of the jumpy things to the front yard, but it was too big for him to carry alone. So Zack helped him move it. When they were done jumping Q suggested it should be put in the garage so Zack helped him move it in there. X finds it in the garage and knows it is not from their property, confronts Q and Q says "Zack wanted to bring it in here". Turns out, it belongs to the backyard neighbor. In Zack's defense...there are no fences and he didn't know where the property line was. Anyway, after that incident, Zack was now a sex crazed thief.

Strike #3 Zack had a horrible year in school last year. I think he was trying to show his dad just how low he could go. The big thing was his grades and lack of even trying...plus as all of his teachers stated more than once...he's very social. (In other words, wouldn't shut up long enough to do any work.) Anyway, towards the end of the year, we had a parent/teacher conference and I had a copy of the written comments (written by the highly medicated guidance counselor). All of the teachers had something good to say..."Zack's a great kid", "Zack's got such a winning personality", etc...but all he cared to write down was..."Can't get Zack to stay in his seat" "Zack talks constantly" and my favorite..."Zack is interrupting the educational progress of others" (This from a teacher who NEVER sent him from the room, NEVER gave a detention and called me ONCE to tell me that he was 'frontal hugging' girls). Anyway, this sheet somehow got mixed in Q's school papers. X found the paper, sent it back AFTER making copies for his file, and told room-mate that he questioned her parenting abilities since she felt no fear of having this "evil influence" over her two sons.

She talked to Zack, told him that he had to be on his best...couldn't give X any more fuel for his fire. Turns out Strike #4 happened while we were in the midst of moving. Zack wanted to paint "graffiti" on his bedroom wall, so I bought some spray paint and he and Q were out in the front yard practicing graffiti on some big paper we had. Turns out at that time Zack showed Q how to paint gang signs. Now, I'm going to guess that Zack doesn't know any gang signs...and he has a cool way he writes his name...so probably in trying to be a "big all-knowing man" in front of Q, he made up some. Well, turns out Q went home and decided to teach his younger brothers all about gang signs...That's all she wrote.

Room-mate told me Sunday night (through her 2nd bottle of wine tears) that her purpose in moving here was to get her boys every other week and now X is saying that as long as we live here with her, he is considering cutting out all visitation. He can't believe that even after he warned her, she continues living with and allowing her sons to be influenced by this "sex crazed, gangsta thief". I don't know that that's exactly what was said...but it comes down to this...now that we finally got all of our boxes unpacked...we have to move as soon as we can.

I have to get to work...still more on this story...will finish up tomorrow

A Teacher's Weekend

2007-09-17T05:36:00.001-07:00

When I tell people I'm a teacher one of the most common responses is..."you're so lucky! You get weekends, holidays and summers off!" I wish some of those people could have spent this past weekend with me.

I spent 6 straight hours Saturday and at least 8 hours yesterday working on lesson plans...and those will get me through this week! I'm not complaining...just stating a fact. Granted, this year will contain a lot of those kind of weekends. The good news is, if I continue keeping things organized (if you know me, don't laugh)...all these lesson plans will be good for next year. (as long as I am teaching the same courses) I am saving them all in a notebook with sheet protectors so that I can use most of the same plans when I teach these classes again.

That's just part of being a teacher. You can't just read the history book and then stand in front of the class and tell them what you read. You have to present it in a way that will interest them, entertain them and let them actually have the opportunity to learn. That opportunity comes in the way of creative , hands-on lessons...activities that they can take part in and learn from what they are doing. If I can come up with something fun and entertaining, they don't even know they are learning.

I think that's a good way to explain how God teaches us. He's given us the Bible for guidance, then he gives us people to explain, teach, and share lessons in a creative and (often) entertaining way...but most importantly He gives us life experiences so that we can actually learn. What good would it be if we just heard the facts and they had no experience or activity to really take in the lesson?

I have to admit, there have been some lessons that I would have been happy to just suck into my brain without experiencing...but then I know I wouldn't have really learned the lesson. I've got another big one (life lesson) coming up...but will share the details of that in my next blog. Right now, I'm off to share some of my knowledge with 100 unsuspecting students.

Zack's birthday

2007-09-12T06:25:00.000-07:00

How does it happen? It really doesn't seem like that long ago when I was working full time, going to college to get my master's degree full time, all the while raising a child. I was so lucky that my Mom and Dad were there during the hours I wasn't. I would get home in the evening and I would hear a loud squeal as I walked through their door. Zack would come running through the house screaming, "My Mommy's home! My Mommy's home!"

He turned 14 on Saturday. He doesn't run squealing when I come in the door anymore. Mostly, he spends a lot of times rolling his eyes at me and I can almost see him mentally turning off the volume when I begin nagging or lecturing. Our going to school together has been a good thing. I feel like we are communicating more. I also have gotten several compliments from him about being a good teacher. (That's huge coming from the kid who thought he would have to get into fights to defend me if kids said bad things about me...as if he KNEW that would happen.)

I will say...he's definitely a teenager...but he's also a very good kid. I've had several people lately tell me how nice it is to talk to a teenager and actually have him look them in the eye and carry on an actual adult conversation. I can't take all the credit. I have had lots of help along the way, but I have made a point of letting him know just how proud I am of him and how much I love the young man he is becoming.

Of course, watching him grow fills me with dread. Time goes so quickly. If he's actually 14 this quickly...how soon will he be going off to college? or getting married? or having children of his own? I can't think of all that right now...I'm too busy hearing him counting the days...

"Hey Mom, 362 days until I can start drivers ed.!"

AAUGH!!!!

First Week

2007-09-10T05:46:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's been so long since I blogged...time flies when you're having fun!

So, the first week is under my belt and today we begin week two. I am having a BLAST! I love being a teacher. I don't know if it's having a (truly) captive audience, holding all that power in my hot little hands, or just getting paid to talk all day. Just kidding! I love the kids. And I love seeing them get excited and having fun with Social Studies. I love to see them thinking.

I'm teaching a mix of ages. I have everyone but 8th graders in my classes. I must admit, the 7th graders scared me at first...that is my last class of the day and it includes 16 boys and 4 girls. I wouldn't want to teach middle school all the time, but (so far) they have been a lot of fun. My seniors barely fit in the desks and here are the 7th graders with their legs dangling. And turns out they are all drummers! (That's when I could really use a sedative.) They are constantly drumming or pecking something. It really gets maddening at times. I'm trying to quit smoking and by that time of the day the eyes are already starting to roll from the lack of nicotene...add to that 20 kids all drumming different beats...it's not pretty.

Zack is fitting in and has made new friends already. I keep hearing from his other teachers what a great kid he is. It was pretty weird that first day when he entered my classroom and sat down. Neither one of us really knew quite how to act. Every time I made a joke (which is quite often those first couple of days), he would cover his face with his hands. Must admit, that put me a little on edge...I think I'm pretty funny, for the most part. However, he did tell me later that he was covering his face to laugh...he got the jokes and didn't want everyone to think he was on crack. I think that was meant to be a compliment.

Speaking of crack...that's how the ice was broken in his class. I was asking geography trivia questions and one question was about "gauchos". No one knew the answer so I explained to them that gauchos are cowboys from Argentina. Then I added that they were also an 80's fashion that were not meant for short girls with big butts. When a teacher acknowledges that her posterior may be a little on the large side...students never really know how to react...so there were just questioning looks coming my way. Then I read the next question..."Where is the largest crack on earth, so large it can be seen from space?" I don't remember the answer, just know that at that point everyone started laughing out loud....augh, 9th grade humor!

Labor Day

2007-09-04T05:20:00.001-07:00

Labor Day weekend was just that for me...labor. No, don't get excited, I didn't give birth to a baby. However, guess you could say I "gave birth" to a classroom.

Last week when I stepped into what was going to become my classroom, I was a little overwhelmed. It was a major job, but it got done. All the excess stuff has been moved out and the floors have been swept, desks set up, posters hung, and AV equipment all plugged in and ready to go. Thanks to Tom and Vi, who stopped in Saturday and Monday and spent several hours (both days) helping me out.

The finishing touches will be added today...the students. I'm excited about meeting them and getting to know them over the next few weeks. They probably aren't as excited as I am. They are excited about seeing their friends and making new friends...showing off their new school clothes...talking about their great summer vacations. You know, they are excited about the important stuff.

But, there is another important milestone taking place in my house today. My son is starting high school! I've been so caught up in getting the job and getting the room and lesson plans done, that I really haven't given that a lot of thought.

I remember the first day I got him ready for kindergarten...he was so excited. He had new clothes and a backpack that was almost as big as he was. He never cried, as a matter of fact, he couldn't wait for me to let go of his hand everyday. He would run into the classroom and never look back. I was the one who cried. I cried at kindergarten graduation (they looked SO cute in those little caps and gowns). I cried at 6th grade graduation. I also cried at 7th grade orientation. (jr. high seemed so daunting to me) And, ok, I'll admit it...I'm crying a little as I write this.

My baby is going to high school!

Miracle Month

2007-08-31T07:30:00.000-07:00

I began this month declaring it a month of miracles and they have just kept coming.

During the last 5 years, God has never failed to take care of our needs. We didn't always have room for a lot of "wants"...but as I've said before, we've never been hungry or without a home and friends. And the giving continues.

I was a little concerned about the fact that September was going to be long month without a pay check. I was told yesterday that this school actually pays twice a month (very unusual for education). I will actually begin receiving pay on September 5th!

Teachers have to supply a lot of their own classroom supplies...that's why school needs lists have grown so much over the years. (Yeah, remember when we just had to show up with pencil and paper?) I knew I was coming in with a few supplies, but still had a lot of supplies that were needed. First, my friend Jimi, (boss at mortgage company) told me that she wanted to do something special for me for some extra work I did a few weekends ago. She told me to order some supplies from Office Express and those come in today. Then I came into a classroom with not one, but two, retired teachers' leftovers. Now, I had to throw away a lot...but ended up with staplers, tape, paper clips, colored paper, white paper, markers, pencils, pens, bulletin board supplies, etc. I looked around yesterday and realized that I really don't need anything else for a while.

Zack's laptop broke. It was pretty old, but I knew I wouldn't be able to replace it. Yesterday, room-mate told me that she has an account with Walmart-online that is empty and told me if I would like, I could order a laptop for Zack and make the payments (I can't get credit of any kind). So, Zack is getting a new laptop for his birthday! (14 on Sept. 8...that's another blog for another day)

OK, so the Red Sea hasn't parted...but I know those are miracles straight from God!

I can't tell you how I am truly feeling right now. This time of year has been very difficult for me for the last few years. I love teaching! It has been so tough to watch the school year start and know that I wasn't invited to the party. This year I am going to the party!

I have decided that this month of miracles has been so successful, I am going to extend it. (with God's help, of course) I am believing that September is going to be another month of miracles...I have a couple of friends with cancer...I'm looking for some big ones...but I have a GREAT BIG GOD!

Let the miracles continue!

I'm still here

2007-08-29T16:12:00.000-07:00

Sorry all, I have been soooo busy! Obviously I had a lot more time on my hands at the mortgage company.

This week has been a whirlwind and will continue to be such. The school is in the last stages of renovation, so everything is a huge mess. I look at it and once again am amazed at the thought that it will be all done by Tuesday when the kids start filling up the hallways and the classrooms.
My room just happens to be the room where the construction workers store all of their supplies, so I haven't really been able to get up any bulletin boards or decorations yet. Also, the teacher who occupied the room previously must have left in a huge hurry. The desk and all the file cabinets were completely full of stuff. Then another teacher who was retiring had all of his stuff "shipped" to my room...desk, files and about 20 boxes of miscellaneous books. He too, must have left in a hurry because his desk and file cabinets were completely full too. So, I spent Monday and Tuesday hauling trash. Tuesday afternoon I actually got a couple of hours to start filling up my desk and file cabinets and got a dolly and started hauling stuff up and out of there. I have been working hard.

Then I come home in the afternoons and continue working on lesson plans. Since I am teaching 4 different subjects (8th grade US History, 11th grade US History, 9th grade Geography and 12th grade Contemporary World Issues) I have a lot of planning to do. I want to get far enough ahead that I don't feel constantly overwhelmed. The good news is, once I get the original plans done they are good for years to come....just have to tweak a few things here and there.

I wish I could explain to you how much fun I am having. It's hard work and I'm definitely tired when my head hits the pillow...but it's SO MUCH BETTER knowing that I'm where I want to be and doing something that I know I love and am really good at. (I would want me for a teacher anyway.)

Hang in there. My posts may not be as frequent for a while...but I'll get back to it on a regular basis as soon as possible.

Perfect Ending

2007-08-24T11:54:00.000-07:00

On the day I began working here (at the mortgage office), my friend Jimi (owner) gave me a gift. It's "Bedside Blessings" by Charles Swindoll. I never took it home. I just left it here and each morning I made coffee, changed my calendar page and read the daily message. So many days the message has been exactly what I needed to read that day. (Isn't God great?!)

Today is my last day here. Here is a piece of today's reading: "(God promises us hope.) So if you want to smile through your tears, if you want to rejoice through times of suffering, just keep reminding yourself that, as a Christian, what you're going through isn't the end of the story...it's simply the rough journey that leads to the right destination."

How very true! These past years I had that hope to hold on to. I got depressed and discouraged and enraged and sad...yet I always believed that God had a destination for me and I just had to keep believing in what He has promised. That's what made me hold on to my sanity, knowing that God has a plan. (thus the title of my blog)

I'm not "there" yet. I know that. I am going into a new phase of life with my new teaching job...but I'm still a progress in work. (some days not much "work" gets done)

This life is still in the planning stages.

Being Significant

2007-08-23T09:09:00.000-07:00

I'm going to blow off a little steam here...but it's another good life lesson. (Sorry it's long.)

I took the day off yesterday. As excited as I am about my upcoming teaching job, I know that there will be no more days off for quite a while. Oh sure, there are the weekends...but those don't always count as there is house cleaning, laundry, errands, shopping, and until the year gets really going...lesson plans, grading papers, reading, etc. So, I just wanted a day to do whatever I wanted to do. The first goal was to sleep in. I haven't laid in bed past 8 am for so long...just wanted to lay there for awhile.

However, since I told room-mate and her boyfriend about my day off plans as they were opening their second bottle of wine, I guess they didn't hear me. At 7:30 am room-mate knocked on my door...afraid I had slept in. I probably could have gone back to sleep, but Sammi (our dog) was up then and obviously needed a desparate run to the back yard. I'll admit, I stood there wondering why I told two adult people that I would be sleeping in...and wasn't heard.

Then I went to get my hair cut. It was way past time. I'm seriously NOT kidding about the chia pet thing...it was a mess. Hair cuts never cease to be traumatic experiences and again, it happened. I went to the local hair academy. They are inexpensive and the young stylists still seem to care about doing things correctly. Well, I explained what I wanted (she didn't even know what I meant by "shag...not mullet".) Anyway, the instructor came over and brought several students to see my head. She wanted them to see the example of several types of hair on one head. Then, even though I stated SEVERAL times that I didn't want it too short, but I wanted to have a nice style to it...they proceeded to cut. They cut it dry and as they kept clipping I kept saying, "don't forget...it shrinks another half inch or so"....I almost laughed when the instructor said, "wow, look how much it shrinks" as they were washing it out. Needless to say, I'm pretending to LOVE my hair...but...again left wondering, "why don't they ever hear what I want?"

This morning iced the cake. I realize that I only have 2 more days here...but while I was gone yesterday, someone TOTALLY rearranged my desk. They took my calendar and pictures and stuck them in a drawer....put everything in different places...ate my wheat things...I'M NOT GONE YET PEOPLE!

I had an eye-opening moment during the first year I was a teacher. I had asked the students to answer some "get to know you" questions. One question was: If you had 3 wishes, what would they be?" As I was reading their responses I came upon one that made me cry. George was a tall, lanky boy with very long black hair. He didn't have a lot of friends and early in the semester my impression was that he was not thrilled about being at school...or anywhere for that matter. His first 2 responses were pretty normal for a 9th grader...#1 to be an NBA star, #2 to own a car...but #3 made a lasting impression...he wrote..."I wish that I was not insignificant."

That moment (ok, after a few minutes of sobbing)...I decided that never would one of my students feel insignificant as long as they were in my classroom. I don't know if George realized this or not...but for the next 3 years everytime I saw him I would call out a hello or stop him to ask how he was. It was almost funny because sometimes he would appear to be annoyed that I was stopping him in the hallway to talk to him. I have tried to apply this to my everyday life too. I want people I come in contact with to feel like I hear them and I care about what is going on with them.

I am so lucky to know that I am significant to God...even when I don't feel like anyone else is listening. I know that He listens to me each and every day and He cares about what I am saying.

Make sure those around you know that they are significant!

Went Camping

2007-08-20T09:57:00.000-07:00

I didn't grow up in a camping family. As a matter of fact, the first time that I went camping with my family, I was 16 years old. We went for 1 week that year and 2 weeks the 2nd year. The first year we were in tents, the 2nd my parents had found a used camper. It's amazing after those two summers that I ever wanted to go again. My mother made camping more work than staying at home and doing spring cleaning. First there were the meals...breakfast was never cereal or a doughnut (I'm obviously not health conscious.) My mother would fry eggs and bacon, make pancakes or french toast...never using paper plates. It took an hour to make breakfast and at least an hour to clean up. We would get done just in time to start on lunch. Supper would roll around and again, no hot dogs on a stick...instead we had spaghetti, or some other NON-CAMP-TYPE meal. Then there was the condition of the tent (or camper). Everything had to be folded neatly and put in a specific place...well, I think you get the idea. Not much time left over for fun.

While in college I decided to become a camp counselor during the summers. I did this for 8 years. The last camp I worked in was the one that really brought about my love for camping and the outdoors. I worked at a wilderness camp in Northern Ontario. The kids were usually sent by the courts and were there for the entire summer. We would bring a bus up to a small fishing village (Missanabie, Ontario) and canoe nine miles across Dog Lake to our camp. We usually didn't see any other humans until the end of the summer. There was no electricity, running water meant running to the lake and running back. We took showers in home made showers right outside our cabin. You would wash with one hand and bat mosquitoes with the other. As rough as it was, I fell in love with the woods.

When Zack and I started travelling back and forth between South Carolina and Washington, we camped all the way across the US and back again--three times. We found KOA our first summer and did most of our camping at KOA's--mostly because being a single mom with her small son, I felt safer there. We have had some of our BEST times together at a campground.

I am a simple camper. I don't need a camper, I enjoy the tent...though as I get older I find I need something more than a sleeping bag between me and the ground. I don't cook gourmet foods...we do hot dogs on a stick, or our campfire pizzas (made in our campfire sandwich irons). I love sitting around the fire at night, telling stories, roasting marshmallows, laughing, crying, just relaxing. I like to take walks (notice I did not say hikes), I like smelling the woods, hearing the sounds in the woods, (unless it's a deep growl). The whole thing really relaxes me and gives me the feeling of a closeness to God that I find hard to describe.

This weekend I decided 2 things...I love my friends, but I really find more peace when I camp alone with Zack and #2...never again will I go camping with a 4 year old. Need I say more?

Going camping

2007-08-17T06:47:00.001-07:00

I won't be around for a couple of days...we're going camping. We're not really roughing it this time (though I do love the real kind of camping). We're going to a KOA and sleeping in a cabin. Here in the Pacific Northwest, you're never really sure what the weather will be like...we decided not to take the chance this time.

Yesterday I went to the school and picked up some books so that I can start working on lesson plans. If you have never been inside a school during the summer, you shouldn't. There is some major "fixing up" going on at our school this summer. As I walked through the halls and looked around I couldn't imagine that the work will actually be done in 3 weeks...but I know it will. I got to see my classroom. The walls are empty and waiting for my maps and posters...student work, etc. It's an exciting work in progress.

I will be teaching 9th graders (a quarter of Pac.Northwest Hist, a quarter of Geography), 11th graders--US History, 7th graders, US History (I think), and 12th graders--Current World Problems. Second semester I will trade the 9th graders for 12th graders and will teach 12th graders--Civics. Some of you are yawning...I am THRILLED.

OK, still have to pack some clothes and grab the making for s'mores. Have a great weekend!

The Countdown

2007-08-15T15:29:00.001-07:00

Twelve days until I start being a teacher again. Hallelujah! and pass the biscuits! (That's something my Grandma used to say everytime something good happened.)

I have 6 actual days left here at the mortgage office. It would be 7, but a camping trip has already been planned for this coming weekend. Anyway, it appears that they are going to be 6 VERY LONG DAYS. I'm not complaining...ok, yes I am...but the last two days it has been like a day-care here. I'm all for "bring your kid to work day"...but enough is enough already! The boss (my good friend) has a 13 year old daughter that has been working here all summer. We get along well. She helps me out (not that I have that much to do)...but she has helped with a couple of big things we have done this summer. She also has an "unrequited" crush on my son and has to talk about that at least a couple of times a day. There's another loan officer that brings her 10 year old daughter...so I have 2 of them standing around my desk bickering at each other. (the older can't take too much of the younger just following her around) Then there's the wife of another LO who comes in once in a while. She's been here twice today ( just walked in the door as I'm writing this) . She has one in a stroller and a 4 year old boy. He has the loudest voice I have ever heard come such a little kid. (He also has BIG, GEORGOUS eyes and his name is Romeo.) But I'm grouchy right now, so that's beside the point.

On top of the kiddie factor today, "EX" has had to call me 20 plus times. (He doesn't understand what it means to actually work for a living.) There was the argument about Zack's haircut for school (he wants shorter, I want to find a balance we can all--including Zack, be happy with), then there was the argument about whether or not Zack would come home tonight...and on, and on, and on...the man needs a life. Oh, then he called to get a copy of the our divorce. We got that 4 years ago...WHY would he think I had a copy of it with me at work???? (The crazy thing is, I actually did.) I told him he had a copy, but he insisited that he didn't. I know he does. After he finally got the fax (which he called about another 13 times) he called me again to tell me he already has that paperwork. Duh, Really? Mr. Smart guy didn't know that a "dissolution of marriage" is the same as a divorce. (No wonder we're divorced.)

Don't people understand that I am trying to read blogs!!!! I can't concentrate!

Uh, oh, gotta go...my boss just IM'd me and asked if I could quiet the kids down. (Are you kidding me?)

Month of Miracles

2007-08-13T09:59:00.000-07:00

I just got off the phone with the principal of the high school where I'm supposed to have an interview tomorrow morning...I had to tell them I wouldn't be there because: I GOT THE JOB!!!!

I will be teaching Social Studies (of all kinds, it seems) at North Sound Christian High School! I just found out at 8:00 am and I am still floating! Thanks to all of you for your prayers and kind thoughts. This has seriously been a long time coming.

Learning is never easy. It's sometimes downright scary. I have been learning my whole life, but seems like God wanted to teach me some particular lessons these past 5 years. The biggest lesson of all is to TRUST HIM...believe that He has a plan and it is my privilege to follow that plan...even when I don't feel like it's going the way I want it to. These past few years when school started and I wasn't teaching, my heart broke each year. Yet, I kept believing (or at least trying hard to) that God had a plan and I just had to be patient and keep praying. If I had taken one of those other jobs, I wouldn't be where I am going to be...in a Christian school with smaller classes, a great supportive staff, and the ability to share my faith. It's also an opportunity for Zack because he will attend school there. I know he will have a much better education because a private school can afford that.

There have been so many more lessons along the way...and many more to come. I thank God for His faithfulness and for the support, love and prayers of my friends and family.

I told you August was going to be a Month of Miracles...can't wait to see what happens next!

Woo Hoo

2007-08-10T13:49:00.000-07:00

No, don't get excited...I didn't get the job...YET! I'm "woo hoo"-ing about the "miraculous month of August"!

So, had pre-interview yesterday. It went well. I had actually applied for this same job three years ago. As we were talking, the principal said that he really wanted whomever he hired to have an understanding of the job (it's activities coordinator--Student Body or Council Advisor). He said that they had had to fill it every year for the last three years. Well, I looked at him with a straight face and said, "If you had hired me when I interviewed for it 3 years ago, I'd still be here and you wouldn't have to be having this head-ache." (For those of you who don't know me, I have a sense of humor and I use it everywhere I go.) He busted out laughing and said, "I knew you looked familiar."

He called again this morning for interview #2...#2 happens with students. I will meet with them on Tuesday (the 14th).

Bad news--this is NOT a full time job. It is a little more than half -time, enough to get benefits, BUT it's a foot in the door. Still not my first choice.

SO THAT BRINGS ME TO MIRACLE #4...North Sound Christian School called today. They would like me to come in for an interview on Monday (the 13th). THIS is my first choice. It is full time. Small classes. Great atmosphere! And Zack would go there FREE! He could really use the structure of a private school.

If you've just started reading this blog...I actually had my first interview with this school in APRIL. Then 2 weeks after my interview, the principal left the school. So, had my 2nd interview at the end of May with an interim principal. I was the only one who had applied for the job so he said he felt he should interview more people. (ok, that's understandable). Anyway, then I heard that he wasn't going to be principal and so they had to interview and hire a principal before they could hire teachers...etc.etc.etc. Well, he is the principal after all and I had about given up on this job. I call at least once a week and the secretary wants to hire me just so I'll quit calling her.

I'M FEELING IT PEOPLE! I AM GOING TO BE A TEACHER (again)!

WOO HOO!

They've Begun

2007-08-09T10:20:00.001-07:00

I have to make this quick, have to leave for a "pre-interview" in 10 minutes.

So, the "miracles" have begun.

#1--Aunt and Uncle coming in from NC, on their way to Victoria, BC...stopping here for the night...hmmm, what to do for feeding them on a VERY tight budget. Got an e-mail from Uncle yesterday, "Don't plan anything for dinner, we want to take you and Zack out...our treat."

#2--Very tight budget anyway...and payday still 7 days away...got a birthday gift yesterday. Nice journal, dishtowel (running joke), and my very own CHIA-LIKE PET...PLUS c-a-s-h...enough to get us through the week. (Thanks T&V, for letting God use you the way He does.)

#3--Pre-interview (Does that mean, 'let us get a look and if we like what we see, we'll REALLY interview you'?) Call came in yesterday, responded today, he asked if I could come in this morning. HEY! IT's a start!

I told you this would be a month of miracles...I'm believing!

Just Believe

2007-08-08T16:33:00.000-07:00

"Faith is just believing what God says He will do. He will never fail us, His promises are true." These are the words to a song I used to sing at church when I was a little girl. Faith always seemed such an easy thing as a child. If I lost a tooth, I never went to bed worried that the Tooth Fairy would forget about me. I never doubted that Santa Claus would show up sometime after I went to bed on Christmas Eve. I never wondered whether or not there would be a meal on the table when dinner time rolled around. I KNEW these things would happen.

When did I grow out of that? Why is it that after a LIFETIME of God always coming through for me, I still have to work hard at believing? It doesn't just come naturally anymore. He has proven Himself to me in so many ways over the years. There were times that I seriously didn't know where our food and gas would come from for the rest of the week. Miraculously...there was always a gift from someone...or a check would come through that I didn't know I was going to get. Some would call that coincidence, but I have always known when it was from God.

This month I am going to try to be childlike when it comes to faith again. I'm just believing! I have a little sign on my bathroom mirror that says, "Just Believe"...that is exactly what I'm going to do.

Hmmmmm...in the process of writing this blog, I checked phone messages at home...a principal called to see if I was still interested in a position at his high school. It's not one I have interviewed for yet...so it will at least be an interview.

JUST BELIEVE!!!

A month for a MIRACLE

2007-08-06T14:05:00.000-07:00

I am expecting a miracle. This month I AM going to find out I have a teaching job. Now, to some, that may not seem such a miracle. If you have known me for the last 5 years... you know it would be a HUGE miracle!

Between the ages of 21-38, I was a social worker/counselor. I worked in adolescent treatment centers, camps, DCFS and a child abuse prevention agency. I enjoyed all of the jobs that I did. When Zack came along, I actually worked for the first 6 months, but suddenly discovered that I really just wanted to be home with my baby. I quit my job and three weeks later my "ex" decided he didn't want to be married anymore. He moved out and there I was without a job.

That turned into a good thing. (in more ways than ten) I knew I needed to go back to school for a master's degree and went to the local college to check out social work programs. It turns out, the nearest SW Master's program was 90 miles away. I would have to commute! Then some sweet lady who was standing there asked if I liked working with kids so much, had I ever given any thought to being a teacher? Turns out, I actually started out in elementary education but after my first education class (after being forced to make a "Haiku" bulletin board)...I decided that I really didn't want to do that forever. Anyway, at this lady's suggestion, I checked the MAT (Master's in the Art of Teaching High School Social Studies) and realized that in 2-3 years I could have a teaching degree. So, I signed up that day...I figured I could quit after the first semester if I really didn't like it.

Turns out, I LOVED IT! During my second year, I met an assistant principal and she asked me if I would like to be a substitute teacher. I ended up doing a long term sub position (3 semesters), did my student teaching, and got my first contract at her school. After getting my degree, I was at Stratford for 3 years before deciding to move to Washington.

I never even imagined that I wouldn't be able to get a teaching position. There are teacher shortages all over the United States...apparently, NOT in Washington. Oh, they need Science and Math...but hey, any COACH can teach a Social Studies class. (LOL) Just kidding coaches. I'm not really sure what is happening, but around here, there are very few SS openings and I very rarely get called even for an interview. Since moving here I have interviewed less than 10 times (for teaching positions). I actually got one job, but it was non-continuing and did another long-term sub position from Sept. to Feb. of this last school year.

This year, I want a permanent...no more searching, no more interviewing, no more waiting for the phone to ring...teaching job. I want next summer off. Zack is getting older, but not yet old enough to be on his own. I want to be able to be home with him. I want to travel. I want to NOT be sitting in an office doing a job I just really don't like doing.

I want to be a teacher! So, join in with me this month...I have faith and believe that the MIRACLE is going to happen!

Birthdays

2007-08-03T12:02:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I will be 52 years old...and I don't care what Oprah says...50 is NOT the new 30's! Maybe if you have a personal trainer, a bazillion dollars, 3 houses, a personal chef...etc.etc.etc. (I AM not jealous.) As of this minute, there are no big celebrations planned. I will most likely spend the day de-boxing. (that is what one does after one moves from one house to another) However, in thinking about birthdays, I began thinking of some that will "always be remembered".

BD #9--Mom got up early and baked me a beautiful birthday cake, then proceeded to go into labor and at 10:00 PM had the audacity to give birth to a BROTHER! (I distinctly asked for a little sister!) McDonald's wasn't around back then, so if I remember right, whoever was babysitting fixed PB&J for my BD dinner and I didn't want to eat the cake until Mom and Dad were there. Eddie turned out to be one of the BEST birthday gifts ever!

BD #16--Mom decided to have a SURPRISE party for me. It was really more of a SHOCK! Mom (love her anyway) always thought I could "do better"...choice of friends, clothes, jobs, etc.etc.etc. So, instead of inviting just my friends or asking them who she should invite...she went through my HS yearbook and picked out people that she thought looked like people I should be friends with. The crazy thing is that they actually came. To this day, I'm still not sure why...curiousity? end of summer and in need of a good party? boredom? Anyway, there they were when I walked in...people I went to school with, yet didn't know. Preps, nerds, jocks, "hoods"...she had chosen from just about every category. I don't know what they came expecting...but I'm sure it WASN'T actually playing "pin the tail", musical chairs, Twister, and a number of other 'party' games. Oh, forgot to mention, there were about ten 7 year olds there too...all running around like banchees. I was totally humiliated...as only a 16 year old can be. The funny thing is, even now at HS reunions, people will come up to me and say "remember your bd party?" They seem to remember it fondly, and I have to give Mom credit for trying.

BD #18--I was packing for college. Didn't even have a clue how wonderful the next four years would prove to be.

BD#20--I was a camp counselor and very naive and innocent (really, I was). We all had to do laundry together at a laundromat on the weekends. I always went to the far side of the laundromat because I didn't want the male counselors seeing my "undergarments" (I dressed in a closet all 4 years of college.) Anyway, right at the end of laundry night, the guys came in dressed in dark suits and carrying violin cases...they stuck a pillowcase over my head and "kidnapped" me. (If that kind of thing happened today, someone would call a SWAT team to rescue me, but back then you could get away with fun stuff like that.) They all (all the camp staff) took me out for a great bd pizza and then we went back to camp where the kitchen staff had baked a great bd cake. Then I got gifts...everyone on staff had bought me the wildest pair of bikini underpants they could find...I was totally embarrassed...but we all had a great time.

BD#21--Was in Florida with my Mom and 3 friends...note to readers...DON'T travel with Mom and 3 friends...doesn't always work out well. On this particular day we went to Disney World. Mom slapped a rude lady while we were having lunch in the Main Snack Bar. I should clarify, she didn't just slap her...she slapped in rythm as she shouted out, "You are rude and Un-American!" We spent the rest of the day waiting to be arrested and/or thrown out of Disney. Later in the evening (much later) Mom abandoned me and my friends at a truck stop we had stopped at for supper. (She had finally had enough of my friend Brenda correcting everyone.) She did come back, after about 2 hours, during which we were all counting our money and trying to figure out how in God's name we would get back to Ohio. None of us felt it would be safe to hitchhike.

BD#27--I was working at a camp in Northern Ontario. My girls and I had spent the day cutting trail through Canadian wilderness. As adventurous as this sounds...it really wasn't fun...it was hard labor with machetes and mosquitoes big enough to carry you away. On the 2 mile hike back to our campsite, I was feeling that I could not take another step. Then we got between a mama bear and her cubs...she chased us for about 1/2 a mile and I found the energy to make my feet move!

BD#28 & 29--I don't remember specifics, but was in the Dominican Republic and know that they were spent with wonderful friends...eating and dancing.

BD#30--Spent the day with good friends...still in the Dom. Rep. Had lost Eddie (my 9th BD gift) to suicide just five months before so didn't feel like a celebration since it would have been his 21st birthday. However, felt loved and secure and cared about all day!

Since 30, I'm sure I've had some good and some bad birthdays...nothing sticks out in my head right now...last year I took Zack to Applebee's for my birthday dinner and he snuck away and told the waitress it was my birthday. She brought balloons and free dessert (most of which he ate)...but I loved that he thought of that.

Anyway, it's been a good 52 years...with some bad thrown in here and there for growth. I am looking forward to what this next year brings.

Happy Birthday to me!

Stuck between a rock and a hard place

2007-08-01T15:25:00.000-07:00

As a Christian, I'm supposed to love and pray for my "enemies". My home group has been doing a study on forgiveness and one of the most difficult things I read from the book is that we should actually be praying for blessings in their lives!

My "ex" is on my 'enemy' list today (as well as many other days). He is a hard-hearted, self-centered, controlling...well, I think you get the drift. I can forgive him for the things he has done to me, but it is very hard to forgive him for what he does to our son.

Zack is a month away from turning 14. He called me today in tears. He is at his Dad's house for the week (as is stated in our court ordered parenting plan). His Dad constantly belittles him, calls him names, makes him work constantly and then makes him do it over because he doesn't do it right the first time. Zack isn't allowed to spend any time alone in his room (except when he's sleeping). He's not really allowed to do what he wants to do. I'm not kidding when I say "ex" is a control freak. Today when he called, his Dad had just left and had given Zack a list of chores to do. Zack told me he "really can't take it anymore".

This isn't just an adolescent not getting his way. "Ex" treats his son the same as he did his wife and several ex-girlfriends. He does everything in his power to take away your self-confidence and self-worth. You begin believing you aren't good enough for anyone or anything. You're as stupid as he says you are. Now he's doing the same thing to his own son. I don't know what to do. I can go to court and try to get the parenting plan changed, but I know how courts are with adolescents (past experience as DCFS social worker)...emotional abuse leaves no bruises. Courts won't change parenting plans without bruises.

I could pack up the car and Zack and head for the East Coast...but that would take money and I would be in contempt of court and Zack doesn't want to leave the area...he just doesn't want to be around his dad.

I'm sitting here with a sick stomach...praying to God for answers...trying to pray that God will somehow soften "ex's" heart so that he will at least be able to love his son.

Keep Zack in your prayers.

Chia Pet

2007-07-31T12:42:00.000-07:00

Just a warning...after reading this post, you will be singing the "ch-ch-ch-chia" jingle ALL DAY LONG! Don't hate me cuz I'm beautiful.

My hair has been the bane of my existence. I was born with natural curly hair (and I swear I'll growl at the first one who tells me how "lucky" I am). My mother loved the curls and wanted it even curlier...so I remember her putting my hair up in bobby pin curls at night...tight little curls, bobby pins criss-crossed and stuck into my poor, tender scalp I would wake up with scabs where the pins actually stuck in my head...(ok, don't call DCFS...I may be stretching it a little, the bobby pins usually had little rubber tips so that they didn't really stick into my head). She also used rag curls...actual pieces of cloth wrapped up and tied in my hair. Untying them invariably meant pulling out a lot of hair. And of course, I ALWAYS had to eat the crust of my bread because someone told my mom that crust makes your hair curlier. (My mother also thought you could get VD from door knobs.)

As I grew older it got worse for me...I grew up in the 60's and 70's...long, straight, parted in the middle, hair was what ALL the girls wore...well, obviously not all the girls. While most of my friends had hair like Cher, I looked more like Angela Davis (an African American militant). Oh, I tried...juice cans as rollers (which, by the way, was MUCH more uncomfortable than the bobby pins), Dippity-Doo slathered onto my head and my hair wrapped very tightly around my head and taped or pinned down...of course, then I had to sleep with my head actually hanging off of the side of the bed so as not to mess up the "doo" job. I would wake up to straight hair. That would last all of about 30 seconds once I walked outside...maybe if I had grown up close to a very dry desert.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, it's not just curly...right above my temples is what I call my "birthmark"...surely somewhere in my family tree, there actually is some type of ethnic blood...tight, frizzy, coarse hair...different in texture than the rest of my head.

And now, I have the head of a Chia pet. My hair doesn't grow longer, it just grows bushier. When I get hot and actually sweat (as I did while moving this weekend), you can actually see it shrinking up off of my collar and growing rounder and rounder.

I am a walking, breathing, Chia pet...ch-ch-ch-chia!

The Age of Reality

2007-07-30T11:02:00.000-07:00

This blog is NOT about reality tv (though I am an addict and could surely blog about it). This blog is about a point in life where we actually face the reality of our age.

I have a birthday coming up (in 6 days actually) and according to my mother and my birth certificate, I will be 52 years old. In my mind, I am no more than 32. At least, that's what my mind thought until this last weekend.

As you already know if you keep up with my blogs, we moved this past weekend. I really haven't physically worked that hard in a very long time. First there was the wallpaper...don't even get me started. Then the painting, which after 2 coats turned out very nicely...even Zack's "graffiti" wall. Packing is really not very strenuous. I spent one whole day unpacking and repacking my boxes so as to deplete the number. I did do that...but obviously not enough. I was up at 7:00 am Saturday morning (after going to bed at 1:30 am). I finished up some packing that still needed done. Our 'helpers' (THANK YOU!) came at 9:00 am to help with the big stuff. They were gone by noon...I didn't finish hauling boxes until 2:00 AM! HOW DO TWO PEOPLE ACCUMULATE THAT MUCH STUFF!!!!!?

So, what does this have to do with the reality of age? My body is sore from the lifting and bending and climbing...but it would be sore even if I were 32. The reality of my age starts as soon as my body quits
moving. The last 2 nights I have almost overdosed on Ibuprofen. As soon as I lay down and get relaxed...the aching begins. It's like a toothache from the waist down. And lucky me, I wake up about every 10 minutes just to realize that, 'yep, it still hurts'. This morning at 3:00 am I woke up, took a couple more Ibuprofen and spent about 20 minutes walking and rubbing my legs. I'm not getting charley horses (thank goodness)...but just a horrible, constant aching. I didn't "pull" anything...it's not a particular muscle...it's the whole thing...even my shins ached!

This, my friend, is age...the aging process...getting older...looking at life from the downhill side...heading into the horizon...(don't worry I'm not 'running to the light' yet)...the reality of age.

Role Models

2007-07-24T11:55:00.000-07:00

OK, before you read on, understand that I GET EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED...not just in the lives of my friends and family...but in fictional characters, celebrities, politicians and often just random 'people on the streets'. This probably could have been nipped in the bud early on...but my parents thought it was cute.

When I was around 3 years old, my mother heard me crying one day and came into the living room to find out what was wrong. I looked up at her with tear-stained cheeks and said, "Mommy, can Casper come live with us? He doesn't have any friends and I love him." (AKA--Casper the Friendly Ghost) I'm sure at that point that Mom tried to explain the difference between reality and fiction...but somehow I never got it.

Right now I am angry, sad, heartsick and want to hop in my car and head off to Hollywood. Why have we let these beautiful talented CHILDREN become crazy, raving, drunken, drugged lunatics?!!? Why has no one sent undercover cops along behind them to close down some of the clubs they frequent...I know that Lindsay and Brittney are "of age" now...but they weren't when this all started. It was going on back when Drew Barrymore was a little girl. Where is the law? Where are their parents? Why are we as a public "devouring" all the press and publicity and yet not CRYING OUT in RAGE!!!???!!! Where are all those people who are so obsessively worried about polar bears and trees? Why aren't they as worried about our children?

I've seen the little first and second grade girls walking around looking like Britt and Fergie (the singer, not the former princess)...why do moms think that is cute OR appropriate?

Why are children allowed on the computer at all hours of the day? (I'm smacking my own hand on that one...I do try to check on where he is and what he's doing...but MUST begin limiting time spent on the machine.)

Why are we allowing professional athletes to continue playing when they've been arrested for DUI's, public intoxication, drug possession, etc? Do we really have no other alternatives? Is having a winning team all that important? especially when it is affecting our kids?

We give them excuse after excuse after excuse ... ADHD, ADD, etc. etc. etc. (I am NOT saying that doesn't exist...I just think we hand out labels and medication much too quickly.)

Let's rise up and set some standards. Let's find some political role models who don't think it's really ok to cheat on your wife, or lie or steal. Let's find some sports figures who believe in practice and exercise and taking care of the talented bodies they have. Let's find some entertainers who don't need to be drunk or on something to have a good time. Let's let our kids know that they can have a good time WITHOUT anything more than a good slice of pizza and an icy Coke.

Let's get our families back to church and let our kids know the stories of Jesus.

Let's find some new role models!

Wallpaper

2007-07-23T10:51:00.000-07:00

So, someone said, "wouldn't it be nice to have to have lovely patterns all over the wall?...maybe some nice mallard ducks" and they invented wallpaper. I want to hurt that person.

The big move is coming. The upstairs of the house (Carol and her boys' rooms, living room, dining room) have all had fresh coats of paint, new carpet, hard wood floors will be in in the next couple of weeks, etc. Zack and I have 2 large rooms in the basement and Carol said we could use whatever left over paint there might be (there's plenty), but she wanted the wall paper to come down first. No problem! She gave me a jug of DIF...wipe it on and peel it off...'you can have it all down in 2 hours'. Well, I DIF-ed and peeled and pulled and scraped for about 8 hours Saturday...2 walls done...2 to go. (My room is going to be painted-over wallpaper...not even gonna go there again.) At about HOUR 4, when I was thinking Zack really could have lived with Noah's Ark, I started praying for a better attitude. I continued praying and thinking as I worked and of course, there really is another life lesson here. (Probably several.)

Thank God for His patience and kindness. Humans come 'wallpapered'...maybe not mallard ducks, maybe gossip or gambling or lying, cheating, stealing...you get where I'm going. I'm sure I have several layers. But God doesn't look at me and say 'just paint over it'...he puts on the goop and starts peeling, and peeling, and peeling, and ... I'm sure you get the point. It's not easy...sometimes the peeling hurts...we don't want to let go of some of our "stuff". Again, God doesn't give up on us. He can see what the final product is going to be. He sees the beauty behind all the years of layering.

Construction

2007-07-19T09:16:00.000-07:00

Ok, if you don't know it by now, I can be a negative thinker. Example: My glass is half empty...that's the first thing I notice. I start to take a drink and think, 'wait a minute, I'm supposed to think the glass is half full...not empty'...so I correct myself and am very thankful for what I've just had to drink. Whether it was half full or half empty, the contents were what I needed to quench my thirst. Hmmmmmm.

So, what does that have to do with construction? A few months ago, a small plot of land (across the street from our house) that was covered with weeds and bushes started getting cleared. This did not appear to be a large area, and I couldn't imagine what was going to be built there. Then the construction started. The whole time it's been going up I've watched the progress with wonder and amazement. When it was just a frame, I couldn't see nor make any sense of what the final outcome would be. Well, it turned into a very large, magnificent house. It's really beautiful and again, I remember back to when I wondered what could go on that little plot of land (obviously not as little as I thought).

The point of this illustration? My life is like a construction site...sometimes nothing seems to be fitting where it should...sometimes I look around me and can't figure out what in the world the finished product is going to be.

But, I know the Master Carpenter. He hasn't built a bad house yet. He knows what He is doing. I have to trust Him and follow His directions.

Brings to mind a very old song called "Kids Under Construction"...the only line I can remember from the whole song is "God isn't done with me yet".

Ok God...keep building.

Change

2007-07-18T16:01:00.000-07:00

I have never really liked change. Sometimes it feels like everything is changing around me, whether I like it or not.

We're in the midst of moving. My room-mate bought the house next door. So, we aren't moving too far...but it doesn't matter, all the boxes STILL have to be packed and moved. Both houses have to be cleaned, the new one has to be painted amongst other MAJOR repairs that she and her boyfriend are doing.

She's in charge of the new house, I'm in charge of the old house. So, these past couple of days I have been going through boxes that have been sitting in the garage for over a year...trying to deplete them as much as possible. If it's been there a year without use, how important could it be.

So, I'm seeing pictures of Zack as a little boy, and reading cards he wrote to me, papers he did in school...he was so sweet and innocent. In the midst of that sorting I get a call from his Dad. He had just checked Zack's text messages and wanted to read one that he had found that Zack was sending to a girl. OUCH! I wouldn't dream of repeating what it said, needless to say, it was really disappointing. I am not naive. I know what all the other kids are doing. OK, so I am naive...I don't want to believe that my baby talks that way.

He lost his phone privileges for a week (at least) and he and I had a long conversation on the phone. He has also lost some trust and that takes awhile to build back up. I don't want that innocent little boy (the one in the photographs) to be like everyone else.

Being a parent is hard. I don't like change.

Harry Potter

2007-07-12T13:48:00.000-07:00

Call me crazy! Tuesday night I picked Zack up (from his Dad's house) and we went to the nearby theater to stand in line 2 hours so we would have good seats for the 12:05 AM showing of the latest "Harry Potter" movie. We have gone to the opening day of the movie since they began 4 years ago. I finally got home at about 3:00 AM and had to get up and come to work yesterday morning...needless to say I was tired and groggy most of yesterday.

The movie was GREAT! I love the "Harry Potter" series...can't wait until the last book comes out next week. Someone commented to me about my enthusiasm over something so "un-Christian". I've heard the arguments and debates, but I honestly think that those who argue against it haven't read the books.

Yes, Harry is a "warlock" and yes, the story is about witches and ghouls and goblins...but come on people, IT IS FICTION. And it's about so much more: good vs. evil, prejudice and tolerance, the importance of friends and love...it's about a boy, who after years of feeling unloved and unimportant, suddenly finds that he has "gifts" and that he is special. I'm excited to get the next book, but disappointed because it is probably the end of the series. I know it will be a group of books (and movies) that I will re-read and re-watch for many years to come.

I was reading a blog the other day written by a mother who had to explain to her 8 year old daughter that Hogwarts is pretend. The daughter was so disappointed because she had been hoping to talk her mom into letting her go to school there. I know just how she feels...I want to be a teacher there!

2007-07-10T10:41:00.000-07:00

I did a bad thing yesterday. I was thinking negative thoughts. Once I get started, they breed. Maybe it was because it was Monday, maybe because I had a rough weekend...I don't know why, but it grew after I blogged my "pet peeves". I couldn't get my mind off of them...the list kept growing and growing. I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I began wondering how much damage a walker would do to my car if I ran over it (had to do with my pet peeve of people who start walking in the cross walk RIGHT before the light changes).

OK, I really wasn't thinking about running over someone with a walker...just wanted to make a point. That's NOT how God wants us to be. Oh sure, we will all have pet peeves, and people or things that annoy us...but our mind should be dwelling on God and all the good things in life...not the bad things.

So today I will correct what I did yesterday:

THINGS THAT MAKE ME SMILE:

A baby laughing. That contagious, sounds like they just swallowed a balloon full of helium, belly laughs.
A movie that makes you laugh, cry, and then laugh some more. "Steel Magnolias" comes to mind.
My son (Zack) telling me he loves me.
Getting thanked for something I didn't even know I did.
Flowers, flowers, flowers.
Seeing a ferry cross the Puget Sound, snowcapped mountains in the background.
Music.
Ice Cream. Pralines and Cream, YUM!
The Grand Canyon and Mt. Rainier. And other grand displays of God's handiwork.
Sunshine.
Watching people greet each other at the airport. You don't want to see me watching people say goodbye.
A good cup of coffee. Remember I'm still a transplant to the Pacific Northwest...so I still think Folgers makes
a pretty darn good cup of coffee.
Small surprises.
Making someone happy with a gift.
Old couples still holding hands.
My dog trying to bite waves.
Zack sleeping. Not that I don't love him just as much when he's awake...but when he's asleep I can still
pretend that he's my baby.
Friends.
KNOWING THAT GOD LOVES ME IN SPITE OF MYSELF.

What makes you smile? Do it a lot today.

Pet Peeves

2007-07-09T17:45:00.000-07:00

What is a peeve? Thought I would share some of mine with you today.

People who wait an extra 10 seconds when the light turns green. Are you waiting for another shade of green?
People who are chronically late. Once in a while it can't be helped...but every single time? Come on.
Car stereos so loud it vibrates my car. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't want to hear my music so what makes you think I want to hear yours?
People talking on "hand-less" cell phones. I can't begin to tell you how many conversations I have had with people who WEREN'T talking to me! And I'm the one who feels like an idiot!
People who feel that it is ok to talk loudly on cell phones in public. Truthfully, I don't want to hear you conversation while I'm eating, shopping, standing in line...turn that thing off and talk to people around you. Are you really so important that someone must be able to reach you at ALL times?
Popping gum. I don't need to say more.
People who complain all the time. I could be dangerously close to that category myself...but (not naming names here)...2 people very close to me complain about aches and pains ALL THE TIME (I'm not a nurse) and the same 2 people could go to a 4 star restaurant and STILL find something wrong with their meal.
People who don't listen. Again, no names...but at least ask me once or twice during the conversation how I am.
Saggy pants. I don't want to see anyone's underwear...if they saw themselves on tape would they be able to see that they are walking funny to keep their pants from falling down. Whatever happened to the good old days when you could actually see the outline of a guys "tush"?
Saying "and, yeah" in the middle of a sentence. This is a kid thing, like, come on, like does "and, yeah" even fit like in the middle of your sentence? Like, use good grammar already!

Enough for today. What are your pet peeves? (please don't say 'people who have too many pet peeves'.)

Let Freedom Ring

2007-07-06T11:20:00.000-07:00

The 4th of July is my favorite holiday. There are a lot of different reasons I like it. I love that it's summer and so it's usually a warm day. I love that even the biggest cities try to become "small town". I have found that the home town celebrations are always the best. I love the hamburgers and hot dogs that come along with the day. I love getting together with friends to eat, laugh and celebrate. I LOVE the fireworks! I anticipate the evening, the whole day I wait for the big fireworks display. I cry when I hear "The Star Spangled Banner", "God Bless America", "This is My Country"...but most of all I cry when I hear Lee Greenwood sing, "I'm Proud to Be An American". (If I'm in the car when I hear it, Zack gets totally embarrassed because I turn up the volume as loud as I can, sing even louder, all the while waving my arms.)

We have a lot to be thankful for. We live in a country where we have the freedom to complain about the government (and don't we take advantage of that freedom?). We have the freedom to get an education, have a job that we want, live where we want to live, and worship the way we want to worship.

This past Wednesday, I sat on my blanket people watching. To my left was a family from the Middle East, to my right were two Vietnamese women, behind them was another Asian family. Directly behind me were some teenagers listening to very loud rap music (which I don't believe was patriotic in nature). At first I was a little annoyed when they turned on their music...but again was reminded that it's a free country. However, I was later impressed by those boys. As darkness started to fall, they turned off their radio so that we could hear the piped in patriotic music. I watched as they took off their hats during the national anthem and they watched the fireworks with as much enthusiasm as those around me.

This country is by no means perfect. But having lived in another country for a period of time, I know firsthand how lucky we are to live in such a wonderful place. It is my duty to pray for those who serve this nation, whether in the military or in a governmental position. I thank God for the freedoms we have.

God Bless America!

All Stars

2007-07-03T14:04:00.001-07:00

Zack had the distinct pleasure of being invited to try out for the Junior All Stars baseball team. I wish I could say that the whole experience has been a pleasure...but as they say, "there's no such thing as free lunch". (Who are "they"?) I really have to write a blog on that subject someday.

After two days of try outs, Zack got the call that he had made the team. There was a huge hassle with Zack's Dad. I won't expound on that either...I will say that even when I thought the whole thing was settled, it has still caused moments of uproar and turmoil...but again, subject for another time. The team has practiced every day. We had to buy pictures, shirts, etc. etc. This week the competition finally began. The first tournament is a double elimination. Sunday morning we lost our first game. (I still think it's because we were playing on a Sunday when the boys should be going to church...yet another topic for another day.) Last night was their 2nd game. Win and we keep playing...lose and all that practice and all that effort is done for another year.

Bottom of the third inning...we are losing 5-0. The boys looked defeated and were playing as if they were already defeated. Finally they got a lucky break and scored 2 runs. By the bottom of the 6th it still wasn't looking good...still 5-2. We (in the stands) started talking about how the boys lacked energy, etc. We aren't allowed to talk to them while they are in the dugout...so we began cheering and yelling and whistling...the coach caught on and did a little dance in front of the dugout. The boys begin cheering with us, smiling, getting energized. They held the other team to 5...it was the bottom of the 7th (little league only goes 7 innings) and suddenly the ball started flying, runs were made...the score is now tied 5-5 and we are going into extra innings. We were the home team, so got last "ups"...in the top of the 8th our pitcher struck out the three batters. Our team got up to bat...again, the energy was high, cheers, whistles, smiles, etc...needless to say...we WON!!!!

A couple life lessons from this experience...#1 Even when it looks dismal, you can't quit and #2 A support system is priceless. I think of my support systems...my church, my home group, my family. Without them on the sidelines cheering me on, praying for me, loving me, constantly supporting me, I would easily give up.

I'm glad I have fans.

Keep on keepin' on

2007-07-02T09:49:00.000-07:00

About 10 years ago, I was working 2 jobs, going to school full time and raising a son. Thank God for my Mom and Dad who helped out with babysitting so that I didn't have to worry about that expense. At the time, I got involved in a single parents support group at my church. I made some very good friends in that group. We played together, but even more importantly we prayed together. We were all at different points of frustration and stress, yet we all had a strong foundation in Christ and knew that our lives were in His hands.

At one particular prayer time, one of the guys came to me afterwards and said, "I got a word (from God) for you." Now, I have to admit...I had never had anything like that come my way before...but immediately my heart jumped and I thought "here it is...the answers to all my questions". So, I held my breath expectantly and waited to hear the heavenly choir sing and a light drop down from the sky as he shared with me what God had told him to tell me. "Keep on keepin' on." he said. No heavenly choir...no light from the sky...no 'thee or thou'...instead I get a 70's bumper sticker slogan.

I was seriously disappointed, but guess what? I know now that he gave me a serious message from God. There are days I just want to crawl into bed, throw the covers over my head, and not come out for a few weeks. I don't have that option, and those are the days I hear those words in my head. "Keep on keepin' on." Put one foot in front of the other. Do what you have to do. Keep praying. Keep being faithful and believing that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep sharing His word with others. Keep smiling.

Keep on keepin' on.

Perseverance

2007-06-29T10:54:00.000-07:00

"Persevere: to persist in a state or undertaking in spite of counterinfluences, opposition, or discouragement"

I was reading something about perseverance the other day and what I read has been on my mind since then. First of all, I never really consider myself "persevere-ing". The reason I say that is because I guess in my mind persevering sounds like you are struggling through something really awful and maybe more permanent. I am definitely struggling and sometimes feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. But my struggles are temporary. (If you call 5 years temporary.)

In the reading, the question was asked how we persevere. Do we stand before God screaming "why me?" or do we stand before God humbly and with open hands submittings ourselves to His will?

Please pray for my friend Torrey and his family.

Summer

2007-06-27T15:04:00.000-07:00

Since I haven't been teaching there are 2 particular days that are extremely hard for me...the first day of school and the first day of summer.

I extremely enjoyed the summers when I was teaching. How nice to still get a regular paycheck and not have to go to work everyday. Instead, I got to sleep in, get caught up on General Hospital and most importantly, be there with my kid.

Those first two years we spent the first part of our summer driving from South Carolina to Washington, and at the end of the summer making the drive back. That first summer we discovered KOA and Zack started his shot glass collection (at 7)...he just thought they were cute little glasses. We saw the Painted Desert, The Grand Canyon, cacti (like the ones in the cartoons with actual "arms") , Las Vegas, prairie dogs, Elvis' tiny little house (not Graceland)...and so much more. We played silly games, we ate junk food, we talked...I learned all the latest 'Nsync and Backstreet Boys songs (Zack will NEVER admit that he actually loved them) and Zack can still sing along with Barry Manilow (and I am NOT ashamed to admit that I still love Barry!) Those are memories that will last forever.

So now, when the first day of summer comes, I feel sad. I'm stuck in an office. I keep tabs on Zack...but am not there with him. This is an important time in life to make sure I know where he is and what he's doing. I don't necessarily love doing it by constant back and forth phone calls.

Don't get me wrong...I'm thankful that I have a job...but I miss summer.

Choices

2007-06-25T09:55:00.000-07:00

I probably already mentioned that I was hoping to be the "great testimony" at the end of Scott's series on "prayer". (Scott, by the way, is my pastor.) Well, he followed up the "prayer" series with a series on "disappointment"...turns out I am more in line for the "testimony" to that series.

For the past three weeks, Scott has talked about the story of Joseph. Here's a guy who had dreams...literally and figuratively. He was his dad's "favorite", which annoyed his brothers...so, long story short, he was sold into slavery, became a servant, falsely accused of rape, imprisoned, and all this happened over a period of 13 years. Of course, eventually God used him in a mighty way...which was His plan from the very beginning.

Now, the first thing I kept hearing over and over in my mind was "13 years? You've got to be kidding me!" But then the heart of the message made it to my mind. During those times of trials, Joseph kept a good attitude. He didn't focus on what he didn't have, but what he was going to have. His character stayed true to his belief in God and the plan that God had for him. I'm sure he had plenty of opportunity to feel sorry for himself, but that's not what people saw. They saw his faithfulness and willingness to make the best of a "not perfect" situation.

It's all about choices. I give myself the excuse that I'm human and because of that God allows for periods of depression and disappointment and frustration. And He does allow me to be human...but above all, He wants us to CHOOSE to keep trusting Him for direction. He wants us to CHOOSE to be thankful for what we do have and not focus on what we don't have. He wants us to CHOOSE to remember the times He has taken care of us and done great things in our life. He wants us to CHOOSE to look ahead to what HE HAS PLANNED.

His plans are far greater than anything I can even imagine.

Middle School

2007-06-22T16:28:00.000-07:00

If you turn off the noise and listen, I believe you can hear the angelic choir singing the Halelujah chorus. Today was Zack's last "official" day of 8th grade.

I have to be honest, I'm a little numb about the whole thing. On the one hand, I'm soooo relieved that this year is over. What a struggle it has been trying to just get him to pass his classes. (I would like to strangle whoever it was that told him that middle school 'doesn't count'. He took them very seriously.) On the other hand, my son is now going into high school.

It really wasn't that long ago that we were shopping for his first backpack. I think it had Pikachu (from Pokemon) on it. I still have boxes of his first papers and drawings and other nonsense that, as a Mom, you just can't throw away. (Now I just move it from place to place.)

He's growing up. When he hugs me, he rests his chin on my head. He shaves (don't tell him I told). He has "Peter Brady" syndrome. (Anyone who watched The Brady Bunch probably knows what I'm talking about...voice is down low and suddenly something squeaks in the middle of a conversation. ) Girls call him all the time. He's got TWO really good long-time friends who actually have their drivers' permits. OH, I'm SO NOT READY FOR THIS.

I want this summer to last a long time. I want to hold on just a little longer.

Lack of ... something

2007-06-21T12:53:00.000-07:00

I know that the job I currently have is not permanent. Jimi would keep me if I really wanted to stay...but I am not an office person. Plus, my hourly wages are maybe enough for a young person who is still living at home...but not enough for two people to live comfortably.

So, I should be filling out applications in my free time. I have been looking. (I am still holding out a thread of hope that I will get a call from North Sound.) And, I have actually gone so far as to print some applications...but here they sit on my desk. I just have a lack of...something...it's not motivation because I do want (and know I need) a different job. The thing is that nothing I have found so far really rings my bell.

God says if we trust Him, He will give us the "desires of our heart". Long ago I thought that meant that if we desired something, He would give it to us. I now know that He means if we are trusting Him to direct us, He will place the appropriate desires in our heart to lead us on the path He has for us. Right now, I look at the ones I have printed off, but none of them are something I really desire to do. I'm asking Him to lead me in the right direction and I'm trusting that He will.

I also know we aren't supposed to sit back and wait for jobs (etc.) to drop down from Heaven...but is it wrong to let these applications sit here on my desk? Maybe.

Maturing

2007-06-20T12:05:00.000-07:00

Some might call it aging, some call it getting older...I just keep referring to it as maturing. I had a "maturing" moment yesterday.

I had to gather documents that prove I live where I say I live...unbelieveable the red tape involved when your kid plays All Star baseball. First, I had to get my drivers license renewed. It was due this year, but not until August. Since my new address (and at least 3 others) was just on a sticker on the back of my license, I was told this would not be "official" enough to prove that we lived in the baseball boundary lines. So, off I went, bright and early yesterday morning to the DMV. (Funny, the DMV doesn't ask for any proof that you live where you say you live.)

I think a prerequisite of working at the DMV is to be grouchy. I was there when the door opened, so it can't just be that they were tired of dealing with people...there were only a handful in front of me. I stepped up to the counter and a very grumpy man asked me to repeat my new address FOUR times. Then he asked if I wore contacts or glasses. I answered no and he repeated the question. I answered no again, and again he repeated the question. On the third time he repeated the question I wanted to YELL "Do you wear hearing aides?" But I tried to be patient and again said that I don't wear glasses or contacts. At that point, I had to put my forehead on the little box and read line 6. I squinted, tried to focus, then looked up at him and said, "I could read line 5." He didn't smile...simply said loudly and rudely, "Can you read line 6 or not?"

I began reading, "3, 15, 12..."

"One number at a time." he stated (again louder than he needed to...after all, we were checking out my sight, not MY hearing)

Slowly, I read again, "3, 15, 12..."

"One number at a time." he bellowed again.

Again, I read, "3, 15, 12..."

"ONE NUMBER AT A TIME" he shouted, yet again.

I looked up at him, trying to remain patient, and said that maybe I was misunderstanding what he wanted me to be reading. I kept my voice quiet, hoping he would do the same, but no, he looked at me like I was an idiot and yelled, "THERE ARE NO DOUBLE DIGITS. READ ONE NUMBER AT A TIME"

When I finished reading ONE NUMBER AT A TIME across the row and looked up, he very loudly said, "You'll be wearing glasses or contacts next time you come in here."

Ouch.

Father's Day

2007-06-19T13:14:00.001-07:00

I couldn't let Father's Day pass without saying something about my Dad.

My Dad was a good man. He appeared to be quiet and subdued. I always believed that's because it was hard to get a word in edgewise with my Mom around. He didn't say much, but when he did, it was almost always funny. He wasn't outwardly affectionate, but he worked hard and took care of us because that was his responsibility, and we always knew he loved us.

I never saw him cry, though I've had others tell me that he cried when my youngest brother died. He didn't like being sick. He had bypass surgery twice...the first time he said he'd never do it again. The second time I think he did it for Zack.

When Zack came along, I think Dad got to be the kind of Dad he felt like he should have been the first time around. He got Zack interested in sports. I will always remember coming in and finding Dad and Zack reading the newspaper. Dad had him looking up team standings as soon as he learned to read. They played catch. They played basketball. He took Zack to work with him. When I was working full time and going to school full time, Dad would come over to our house and get Zack up, have breakfast with him and then take him to school.

Our last year together was really wonderful. The day before Dad died, Zack and I had dinner with him and my Mom. We had a great day. Sometime during the day I remember Zack asking about heaven and I don't remember the whole conversation, but Dad told Zack that he would be there waiting for him. After that conversation, the two of them went out to play basketball. The next morning, as Dad was getting ready to go to work, his heart quit beating. He died immediately. I will always be so glad we had that last good day with him.

I had one last good chuckle...Dad always used to "help" Mom when she was an Avon lady. He bagged orders, drove her to make deliveries, sat in the car endless hours when she would be chatting while he waited...and paid for the fact that she usually bought more than she sold. He was very patient, but one time he told me that he HATED AVON. When I went to the funeral home to pick up his ashes, I realized that my Mom had given them a (beautiful) Avon vase to put his ashes in and that had been placed in a big Avon bag. I laughed as I wiped away my tears.

Dad would have found that amusing.

Busy Weekend

2007-06-18T09:19:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I need a day or two to recover from the weekend. Had a busy one this past weekend.

Friday had to have Zack at "All-Star" tryouts. (Just when you think baseball season is over...) To be invited to even try out for "A-S" is an honor and Zack and I were both honestly surprised when he was invited to try out. Not that he's not a good ball player, but he advanced to Jr.'s this year, so is one of the younger players. He spent a lot of time on the bench. Obviously someone thought he played that position well.

Try-outs are a two day experience. The first day, the players go out into the field and someone hits them 10 ground balls and 10 pop-ups. They are scored on how well they field, catch and throw them back to where ever they are directed to throw them back. I don't know how Zack was feeling but I was nervous for him. I didn't need to be, he caught all grounders and pop-ups and threw them right where they needed to go. After tryouts I took him and some friends to a movie.

Saturday Zack had part two of tryouts. I didn't go with him this time. I picked Saturday as a "me" day. I don't do that often enough. I headed off early Saturday morning to the Freemont Street Fair. Having lived most of my life in the mid-west and the south, Freemont Street is like another world. I can't even begin to describe it. The festivities start with a Summer Solstice parade...the parade is led off by 200 naked bicyclists. They aren't wearing clothes, but they paint their bodies so that you really don't notice their nakedness. Ok, well, after the first 50, you almost forget they are naked. I won't even bother to discuss the short-comings of this parade. :)

Headed back to Edmonds to the Art Festival. I am so amazed by the talents of artists. I am so amazed that they can charge so much for their talent.

Sunday, went to church. Scott is doing a three part series on disappointment, I will talk more about that this week. Left church and took Zack to his Dad's to spend Father's Day. While he was there he got the call...he made the TEAM. He was very excited, as I am...sort of. All-Stars means practice EVERYDAY until the actual tournaments start. If they do well, Zack won't be able to go to church camp...oh well, we'll just take it one day at a time.

Time to get started on Monday.

Gift of blessings

2007-06-14T16:13:00.000-07:00

People give us gifts and never realize the impact it might have in our lives. I know I have spoken a few times about the little book that Jimi gave me (she's my friend who hired me to work at her mortgage office...friend before boss). Anyway, this book has TRULY been a blessing. On those days when I feel like maybe God is too busy to give me answers, He uses this book to remind me of things I need to be reminded of.

I really have had a hard time coming out of this "slump". I've talked enough about that, just wanted to share what my book reminded me of the last couple of days. I'll paraphrase:

6/13--Life and pain go together...you can't have one without the other...the goal is not to get away from pain, but to endure and win over it...while learning the lessons that only pain can teach us. "Pain is inevitable. Misery is optional. " I have to opt NOT to be miserable...but to continue learning.

6/14--"God's graces sees beyond our deepest need." Whatever it is that I think I NEED...God knows SO MUCH BETTER. How can I feel bad? I just have to say it again, if not this (job, etc.) then there is something that God knows that I don't. I have to trust Him, wait on Him and THANK Him for allowing me to be where He wants me.

A Slump

2007-06-12T12:24:00.000-07:00

*I actually blogged on Friday (listed in archives under JOB)...for some reason, I don't see it when I sign in...so, don't know what happened there.

I'm in a SLUMP. I'm really struggling to keep my spirits up. I know in my head and heart that God is in control. I do trust Him. Yet, when I feel like I'm feeling, I then add guilt to the mixture of feelings. (Anyone want to break into THE song right about now?) I feel guilty because, what?, I'm human.

I want a syllabus. In college, when I would start a new class, the professor would hand out the syllabus. That would give us the dates of every test, project, topic, etc. that would be covered during our semester together. I knew when the tests would come. I knew when we would be covering certain subjects. I knew when I would have to make time for the library to get ready to write a paper.

I would like that same thing for life. Maybe it would be too overwhelming to see some of the tests that we will be facing along the way...but on days like today, I just want to know when the answers come...when relief is in sight.

Job

2007-06-08T12:47:00.000-07:00

Now, some of you looked at the title and read "job" (place where you work)....others, of a more spiritual nature (smile) read "Job" (Biblical character who rose above his challenges).

I have actually been thinking of the two words in the same thoughts these past couple of days. Of course, I don't truly compare myself to Job...he lost family, home, work, etc...yet he always thanked God. He continued being faithful and following God's path for his life. I haven't suffered nearly what he suffered. And maybe "suffering" is the wrong word to use for my current situation.

Somewhere in the Bible (help me out, if you know) it says that God won't give us more than we can handle. On Wednesday, I told God that I was at that point. I am tired...emotionally. I can't handle anymore. I'm not asking for a winning lottery ticket. I'm not asking for a mansion. I'm not asking for anything more than a job I enjoy going to and a salary that I can live on. 30K gets me excited. Anyway, that's what I told God. Guess what He told me...

Wednesday: "Behind the scenes, before He ever flung the stars into space, God had today in mind...He is never at a loss to know what He's going to do in our situations."
Thursday: "...the beautiful thing about this adventure called faith is that we can count on Him NEVER to lead us astray. He knows exactly where He's taking us. Our job is to obey."
Friday: "God 's hand is not so short that it cannot save, nor is His ear so heavy that He cannot hear. Whether you see Him or not, He is at work in your life this very moment. "
*quotes from "Bedside Blessings" by Charles Swindoll

I can handle what He gives me...especially when I know my friends and family are out there praying for me.

Down...but not out

2007-06-07T09:32:00.000-07:00

I called North Sound again. I still haven't talked with Mr. Osborn, but his assistant informed me yesterday that it would be awhile before I would hear anything because Mr. Osborn has decided to interview other applicants. Last I heard that weren't any other applicants, but things change.

My first reaction was one of defeat. Obviously, he wasn't impressed enough to choose me right off the bat. I don't know why, I would like to speak with him to find out, but he hasn't returned any of my phone calls and at this point the ball is in his (and God's) court.

I moved here (to Washington) 5 years ago. Up until that time, I had been gainfully employed since I was 16 (except for the 4 years I went to college, during which I worked all 4 years at the college on a work study program). Until 5 years ago, I don't think I ever interviewed for a job that I didn't get. Until 5 years ago, I always made enough money to cover my bills and actually buy groceries and often had a little left over for extras. Until 5 years ago, I lived independently without having to pray for a way to make it through the week. I was the one helping people out and not the one being helped.

I'm not sure why the last 5 years have been like they have been. I know I have learned more about faith and prayer and my personal relationship with Jesus. I suppose He allows us to go through trials to learn more about His love and patience. But I have to be honest...it's been humiliating for me. It doesn't appear that I can get a job. It doesn't appear that I can take care of myself and Zack...and there have been many times that if not for the generosity of others, I wouldn't have been able to.

I still believe that I would be an asset to North Sound Christian High School. I haven't given up on that yet...but guess I need to keep my mind and heart open to God's leading.

Communication

2007-06-05T14:27:00.001-07:00

True communication is not always easy. I'm rarely at a loss for words. As a matter of fact, I can talk, and talk, and talk (hey, I see you shaking your head)...but sometimes even I find it difficult to really communicate. The past couple of days I have begun communicating with someone who is really not easy to communicate with. We speak at and to each other a lot, but it's been a long time since we actually communicated. It takes more than talking, it takes a lot of listening too...and not to just what is being said. Let's face it, it can be arduous, emotional work. However, the end result can be really worth it.

I talk to God. I pray. I give thanks. I complain. I whine. (the latter two probably more than the first two) But again, I am reminded that I don't always stop and listen. Some really know when God is speaking to them...I don't always hear when He is speaking to me...or mabe I hear, but I don't listen.

Hmmmm.

Worry

2007-06-04T12:28:00.000-07:00

I come from a long line of worriers. I spent the whole week last week waiting and worrying about a phone call that never came. The worry that I allowed myself to feel seriously made my week miserable. When I find myself worrying about something (whether it's a phone call, financial problems, etc.) it takes my focus off of the good things in my life.

The phone call still hasn't come. I have called there daily and the last I heard on Friday was that he has been so busy with end of year school things that he has not even had time to do anything with my application file. I don't know if that means he hasn't called references, or looked at my educational file, or what. As far as I know it means he hasn't looked at it at all. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it. The good news is that they haven't said "no". Until they do, I just need to go about my everyday life, keep praying for God's will, and focus on the good things around me.

Matthew 6:25 "I say to you, do not be anxious for your life..." It's in GOD'S HANDS...until I have good news to share with you, I'm going to try not to even mention it.

(Keep those prayers going though.)

Still No Call

2007-05-31T14:08:00.001-07:00

For all of you who are praying and waiting with me...still no news. I just called the school again and Mr. Osborn is out at a meeting today. That means I won't know anything until tomorrow.

It's interesting that at church Scott and Cole have been doing a series on prayer. God and I carried on quite the conversation yesterday. I sometimes feel it is a one-sided conversation, though I know that isn't true. I know that I forget to stop and listen. I say I'm going to put something in God's Hands, and I really believe I do...then I keep reminding Him "it's in Your Hands...Hey, check Your Hands, it's there and needs Handled...don't forget, I placed it in Your Hands". Does anyone else do that?

The thought keeps running through my mind that I need to "be still and know", but can't seem to rid my stomach of knots and butterflies.

Keep praying and I'll keep you informed.

5:00 pm

2007-05-30T16:55:00.001-07:00

It's 5:00 and I'm going home. Still no call. I called the school this afternoon, was told that as soon as they found him, they would have him call me...guess he's really lost.

STILL WAITING

2007-05-30T10:13:00.000-07:00

I'm still waiting on the phone call. I'm really not good at waiting, maybe that's why I'm still waiting. God wants us to wait on Him and not get in such a hurry. As I wait, my faith begins to waiver...what if...

God, this is in Your capable Hands. I don't have to worry. I only have to trust YOU.

Waiting

2007-05-29T11:13:00.000-07:00

WAIT: to stay in place of expectation; to look forward to expectantly

ANTICIPATE: to look forward to

Guess where my mind is today. I am in a place of waiting and anticipation. Today is the day I'm supposed to hear from North Sound about the job. I'm not patient. I hate waiting. Why is it a possible future employer would tell you he will call on a Tuesday AFTER a long three day weekend?

I had a great time Saturday with some current members of our home group, as well as former members. It was a nice, relaxing time. Tammy and Torrey live in Gold Bar and after visiting their home I can understand a little more why they make that long drive every day.

I am continuing to seek God's will in my life. (I'm just feeling very good about this being it.) Hopefully, I will post again later today.

Interview Update Two

2007-05-24T15:49:00.000-07:00

As I was leaving the office this morning for my interview, I saw three familiar looking men leaving the building where I work. It was the whole pastoral staff from my church. I stopped to say hi. They knew where I was going as they had already prayed for me this morning. We took that opportunity to pray about the job together. I left feeling even more positive than before...knowing that I and others are praying for God's will in my life.

Well, wish I could tell you that the job is mine. I won't know anything definite until the early part of next week. HOWEVER...I feel in my heart that it is my job. When Mr. Osborn said he would contact me by Tuesday, I'm sure I had a look of surprise and responded "By Tuesday, really?" At that point he said, "Well, you're the only one who has applied for this position." I figure if he didn't like me he would have said that there were still applications coming in and they had to schedule a couple more interviews. And, I won't assume I got the job because they had no other choices. I assume that's God's choice. When you consider the fact that Edmonds School District has over 200 Social Studies application packets (as do many of the other school districts), the fact that only one application came in for this position....well, that's a God thing!

Thanks for your prayers.

A 12 Step Program

2007-05-23T14:00:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking about starting a 12 step program. I don't think there is one out there for this addiction yet.

Hi, My name's Paulette and I'm a Reality Television-aholic. It started a few years ago during the first season of "Survivor". When I was visiting someone else who was watching it, I thought it was a stupid show. 15 people on an island with no food, electricity, soap, technology, etc. No one will watch that. The next Thursday, I found myself with nothing to do, flipping through the channels and saw it again...so I stopped. That was my first real forray into "reality". I didn't miss an episode after that. Then along came "The Bachelor", "Big Brother", "American Idol", "The Amazing Race", "The Mole", "Dancing With the Stars", "So, You Think You Can Dance"...oh and these are just the shows on the 4 main stations...then there's BRAVO, CMT, The Food Network, etc. Obviously no one has this much time (do they?). Since I got "hooked", I have worn out VCR's and more tapes than I care to count. I sometimes watch one and tape another. I was hysterical two weeks ago when I actually taped the wrong station and MISSED the finale of Survivor: Fiji. (Thank goodness it was shown later on On-Demand). I cry at the finales...sometimes because of the results, but most often because these people will no longer be spending evenings with me. I haven't been to too many concerts of actual stars...but 3 years ago for my birthday I got a trip to Key Arena to see The American Idol Top Ten Tour (mainly to see CLAY AIKEN). It was the thrill of a lifetime. A couple of weeks ago, went with the same friends to see Blake come through Bothell for his home visit.

This week has been up and down emotionally for me...the Bachelor picked Tess. I was happy about that. Apollo Ohno won "DWTS"...I would have been happy if Joey Fatone had won too. And tonight it's either Blake or Jordin. Again, I'll be happy with either one. As "Dancing" was ending last night, I was wondering what I would do with my new free time...then I saw the ad for "So You Think You Can Dance"....I felt somewhat better knowing that one will pick up where the other leaves off.

I need help. I am going to start a program...I just have to find the right night...

:)

Some days...

2007-05-22T12:29:00.000-07:00

I am fighting through that "some days I should just stay in bed" feeling today. I actually woke up an hour early this morning (not on purpose) and was feeling so rested (and excited about my interview) that I decided to go ahead and get out of bed so that I could get some real "alone" time with God and my coffee. I was feeling very positive about my interview this afternoon and about just the general condition of my life.

Then I got to the office. Soon after I got here, things started going downhill. First I got a call from North Sound apologizing and rescheduling my interview. It won't be today, it will be Thursday morning instead. Then I poured coffee grounds into the coffee pot without the filter. In cleaning that up, I made an even bigger mess. Next someone let the office door (which is right in front of my desk) slam shut and my picture of Zack fell off the shelf it was on and the frame shattered. And last but not least, my ex-husband hasn't had anyone to argue with lately so he called to start an argument and further try to disrupt my days.

It is only 12:30...so there's still plenty of day to save. I have decided that I'm not going to let Satan win this one. I know what he's doing and he can't have anymore of this day. This one belongs to God.

"Blessings"

2007-05-18T09:13:00.000-07:00

My good friend, Jimi, gave me this little "Bedside Blessings" book by Charles Swindoll. It's not by my bed, but in my desk drawer here in the office. I start off each morning by reading what's written for today. Amazingly, this book seems to be in sync with my life this year (isn't it great how God works?) Today is no exception.

I'm anticipating my interview on Tuesday...not worrying, just anticipating. I do pretty well in interviews, though the last few years wouldn't prove that. But, I still think about the questions that may be asked, how I will answer, etc. etc. I need to exude confidence, make myself look good, make sure to say the right things, use proper educational phrases...But this time it's a Christian setting so I can be a lot more forthright about my beliefs. So, let me share with you what God shared with me through my "blessings" book this morning.

"You don't have to promote yourself if you've got the stuff...If you are to be used of God, they'll find you. God will promote you. I don't care what the world system says. I urge you to let God do the promoting...In the meantime, sit quietly under His hand...You will never have to wonder in the future if it was you or the Lord who made things happen. If He chooses to use you in a mighty way...you won't have any reason to get conceited. HE DID IT ALL."

Have a great weekend.

Triple Header

2007-05-17T09:07:00.000-07:00

Ok, today you get 3 topics for the price of 1.

"Travesty"

Melinda Doolittle was voted off American Idol last night. She will NOT be in the finals next week. Makes me want to quit watching reality tv...yeah, right.

"Olympic Torch"

I had an Olympic Torch moment yesterday. We live in a house with a big yard. The lawn mower was provided by the landlord...but no trimmer. So, I threw away money a couple of weeks ago. First I went to a yard sale and bought a "bush whacker"...problem is, can't get the very dull blade off to put the string on and the very dull blade doesn't cut the very tall grass and weeds that is now surrounding our yard. So, I bought a much smaller version at Walmart. I know it said for small yards, but I guess I figured grass is grass...even if it is about 2 feet tall and very thick. While Zack mowed yesterday afternoon, I was trimming. Suddenly flames started shooting out of the end of the trimmer. What could I do but hold it over my head and take a lap around the yard?

"The Builder"

Ps. 127:1 "Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain."
I got a call from North Sound yesterday. I have an interview with the interim principal next Tuesday at 3:00. "Father, help me to remember that YOU are the Builder and I am here to follow Your blueprints."

Heartbreak

2007-05-15T09:45:00.000-07:00

In life, we learn to handle heartbreak. Last night I had to watch my son suffer a heartbreak.

Bottom of the 7th, his team leading 6-4...our 3rd pitcher had to be taken out so he could start in tonight's game. (something about pitch count rules). The coach called Zack to the mound. There were 2 on base, 1 out. The batter already had 2 balls, no strikes. Zack walked him, now bases loaded. The next batter came up, hit one out...Zack made a bad throw to catcher and they scored...still only one out, bases are still loaded and the score is 6-5. Next batter hit it hard and they scored at least 3 runs. Game over. Zack cried. He took the burden of the loss as his own.

I wanted to run out there to him and wrap him in my arms, but he's 13 and that would have only made it worse. I saw his face crumple and his shoulders fall. I saw the heartbreak written all over him. I wanted to carry it all for him...take the heartbreak upon myself. But, it's a life lesson for him, albeit a tough one.

On Mother's Day, Scott and Cole talked about our roles as mothers and how that role compares to God the Father...I thought about that last night. He has to sit back and let us stumble sometimes. He sees us go through heartbreak and defeat...and He's there to comfort us when we let Him. He helps us get back up and start again.

Zack plays again tonight. I'll be there to cheer him on.