OK, I know, it's been a LONG while since I've posted. Lots has been going on. Let me take you through it as easily as possible.
9/27/08 Had a shoulder ache again, took some Aleve and tried to relax. Still achy, so I began rubbing and my wrist slipped over a rather large lump on my breast.
10/1 Saw the doctor about lump. He immediately referred me to Providence Breast Clinic. Did NOT say "probably nothing".
10/8 Had mammogram and ultra sound...now scheduled for biopsy. Lump is "highly suspicious".
It's amazing how many commercials run about breast cancer during Breast Cancer Awareness month. I still have a while before biopsy...hate not knowing, but praying it's nothing.
10/17-19 Church ladies retreat at Warm Beach. Great time of giggling, eating, playing games. I did tell the ladies about my biopsy. I haven't shared the information with many...don't want to until I know something definite.
10/19 Zack has decided today to move to his Dad's house. My heart is broken, but he has stopped listening to me. I feel out of control with him. He is leaving his current school and will be attending a public high school. I know God is fighting for him and I know that he is in God's hands.
10/20--Biopsy this morning. Won't know results until 10/22.
10/22--I have Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma. In English, stage 2 breast cancer. IDC happens to be the most common type of cancer and we have caught it early. I really don't feel much today. During the 1st ultrasound the realization came to me that I have cancer. I don't know why, I'm guessing God was preparing me. Along with the realization came the peace that only God can give. It's still surprising to hear it come out of the nurse practitioner. I had to have her repeat things several times. Still have other tests to see what treatment will be necessary.
10/28--MRI today. They want to see how deep the tumor is. They also want to make sure there is no other cancer anywhere else in my body. This will help the surgeons decide what steps to take next.
Now, more waiting. I will meet with surgeons next Tuesday (11/4). I really am feeling ok. Someone asked me the other day how I was and when I said fine, she replied, "You can't be fine all the time!" Truthfully, I AM FINE. I don't feel sick. I'm not scared. I miss Zack, but I know that God has everything planned and timed the way He wants it. Maybe I need this time to just take care of myself and not worry about a teenage boy who seems to be mad at me all the time.
What I need. People keep asking, "what do you need?" "what can I do?" Seriously, I will gladly accept prayers, hugs, laughs, etc. What I don't want...pity faces. You know the ones...the ones that are accompanied with "How are you?" in a drawn out, whiny way. I know those people mean well too and I know they love me and are at a loss for words...but I'm truly OK!
I will try to do better at blogging and keeping everyone up-to-date on my progress. I need the outlet...I have spent a lot of time talking to God and myself this last month.
Once again, I have to give God credit for having a sense of humor...breast cancer during breast cancer awareness month. Can't get much better than that.
Have a great week!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
The Swing
I just got back yesterday from our high school retreat. (another major difference between public and private schools). Retreat was fun, spiritually uplifting and a great time to get to know the kids in a different setting. I came away with a lot...but the best thing of all was my experience on "the swing". I will have enough devotional topics to cover a long span with my swing experience.
First you put on the harness. Then you climb up a ladder to a platform where Sean, the young camp counselor, makes sure the harness is tight and then hooks you to the line. I looked into Sean's eyes and said, "this is perfectly safe, right?" I wanted to see assurance...but I saw a myriad of things in those little 20 year old eyes...things he may have wanted to say, but knew that he couldn't...things like..."How would I know, it's never had to hold this much weight before." or "How's your blood pressure, you're looking like a heart attack just waiting to happen." or "Why do these schools always have middle aged chubby women who want to do something they've never done before?"
OK, so after you get the confidence boost from Sean, you have to step off of the platform. You are being held by a line that is being pulled by 6-10 students. They pull and you begin to rise. Thank goodness all of them had the good grace to just pull. I sailed to the top with ease and heard no grunting or groaning from below. The top is 3 stories in the air. I believe they said 60 feet...from up there, all I can tell you is that it felt high. So, there I am 60 feet in the air and I am the one that has to pull the line that will release me to a straight and steady fall toward the ground. You would think that it would be difficult to make that pull...but let me tell you about the harness and why it is NOT hard to make that pull.
The harness wraps around your body in ways that is absolutely NOT attractive. It accentuates areas that surely DON'T need accentuated. As I was rising from the 6 foot dangle...that's really all that was on my mind...I wasn't thinking, "God, let me live"...I was thinking, "God, don't let anyone take my picture in this harness. Please God, please, please, please."
So, when I got to the top, without hesitation I pulled the cord and what a feeling! You are suddenly in a free fall, then the line catches you and you are swinging...straight for a huge tree...but they have it all figured out so that you really are a few feet from the tree...guess that just adds a little more excitement to the whole experience. You swing back and forth for quite a while...I actually even forgot about how I was looking in the harness. It was amazing and I am glad I did it. However, until they get the harness thing figured out or I lose half my body weight...don't know that I will.
As I said, devotion material galore...stay tuned...I'm sure I'll use it eventually.
First you put on the harness. Then you climb up a ladder to a platform where Sean, the young camp counselor, makes sure the harness is tight and then hooks you to the line. I looked into Sean's eyes and said, "this is perfectly safe, right?" I wanted to see assurance...but I saw a myriad of things in those little 20 year old eyes...things he may have wanted to say, but knew that he couldn't...things like..."How would I know, it's never had to hold this much weight before." or "How's your blood pressure, you're looking like a heart attack just waiting to happen." or "Why do these schools always have middle aged chubby women who want to do something they've never done before?"
OK, so after you get the confidence boost from Sean, you have to step off of the platform. You are being held by a line that is being pulled by 6-10 students. They pull and you begin to rise. Thank goodness all of them had the good grace to just pull. I sailed to the top with ease and heard no grunting or groaning from below. The top is 3 stories in the air. I believe they said 60 feet...from up there, all I can tell you is that it felt high. So, there I am 60 feet in the air and I am the one that has to pull the line that will release me to a straight and steady fall toward the ground. You would think that it would be difficult to make that pull...but let me tell you about the harness and why it is NOT hard to make that pull.
The harness wraps around your body in ways that is absolutely NOT attractive. It accentuates areas that surely DON'T need accentuated. As I was rising from the 6 foot dangle...that's really all that was on my mind...I wasn't thinking, "God, let me live"...I was thinking, "God, don't let anyone take my picture in this harness. Please God, please, please, please."
So, when I got to the top, without hesitation I pulled the cord and what a feeling! You are suddenly in a free fall, then the line catches you and you are swinging...straight for a huge tree...but they have it all figured out so that you really are a few feet from the tree...guess that just adds a little more excitement to the whole experience. You swing back and forth for quite a while...I actually even forgot about how I was looking in the harness. It was amazing and I am glad I did it. However, until they get the harness thing figured out or I lose half my body weight...don't know that I will.
As I said, devotion material galore...stay tuned...I'm sure I'll use it eventually.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
ME Time
School has begun. This is the way it's going to be. There seems to be no time for ME. I squeeze in showers here and there, but other than that, I can't seem to get the time to do much of anything else for me...including blogging.
The schedule is crazy. Up at 4:30, put coffee on, find clothes for the day, (iron, if necessary), get myself ready, Ji up at 5:30, Zack at 6:00. Lunches to be packed, practice clothes, homework, lesson plans to be gathered. (All the while, trying to get enough coffee in me to actually wake up.) Out the door at 6:30 with much prodding, poking, yelling and threatening. It appears that neither of my teenagers is ready or willing to get out the door by 6:30. Drop them off at their bus stop, and then on through the morning traffic to school. I leave my school at 4:00, pick Ji up from volleyball practice at4:30, Zack from soccer at 5:00, face afternoon traffic and get home at about 5:45. Everyone is hungry, so dinner prep, eating and clean up until around 7:00. Zack usually has the computer until 9:00 and by that time, I'm at the point of exhaustion that I don't even want to sign on.
This past week we had something going several evenings. Monday was homegroup, Tuesday "back to school" night at their school, Thursday "back to school" night at my school, Friday volunteer appreciation dinner for church. Wednesday, the only night we would actually have had a free evening, my car broke and had to call friend (thank goodness my friends have great husbands). Car was towed, ($300 plus to fix it), they fixed us dinner and loaned us a car for a few days, but free evening was GONE.
One teenager (my own) was a handful...taking on another goes in the "what was I thinking" category. We are definitely having adjustments. Ji is definitely a teenage girl with a mind of her own. She came thinking, well, I'm not sure what she was thinking. As long as she is getting her way, she is funny and sweet. But if she feels that she is somehow being treated unfairly, she pouts, stomps, slams...any of you who have teenage girls know what I'm talking about. She says that in Korea, teenagers go out with their friends every weekend. She is learning that in America, we make plans, ASK PERMISSION, and do this with more than 15 minutes before said 'time out with friends'. She took her packed lunches to school week one, then said she didn't want them week two. She has money on account at the school for lunches, so I figure if she's hungry she can buy lunch. But then when she was angry at me Friday night for not letting her get in a car with another Korean girl (because her mother told me I was not to do this and I don't let my own son go out in cars with kids) she got very angry and told me that she needed to go because she was hungry. (this was after wolfing down a Big Mac, large fries, apple pie and large coke). I told her that there was plenty in the house to eat and she yelled, "YOU DON'T GIVE ME LUNCH!" Aaaugh. I'm sure she has relayed this information to her parents, but since they don't speak English, I haven't heard from them.
Zack, in the meantime, well, can't say much there except that some information was found out while he was at his Dad's last weekend and he is grounded for at least 2 weeks. No phone, no myspace...so every evening this week, he has spent at least 1 hour (sometimes more) pleading for just an hour...he doesn't take no for an answer. I guess he thinks he will wear me down. It is a bit like chinese water torture...drip, drip, drip. But, so far, I haven't given in OR physically caused him harm.
The good news...I love them both and am praying my way through it. I LOVE my new students and the school. The kids actually thank me when they leave class and I have gotten some great compliments from other faculty and parents.
I am going to work on finding ME time. It is necessary. When I give up ME time, I give up ME and GOD time as well and that makes things 100 times worse. I need to put aside whatever time I can for time with God...I do most of my praying on the way to school and on the way home...but usually on the way to school I am praying away the frustration of the morning.
All that being said, I also have to find blog time. It's cathartic, and something I really enjoy. I'm hoping things start settling into routine more and start falling into a fairly even rythm. That's my goal for this week.
Hope things are well with you.
The schedule is crazy. Up at 4:30, put coffee on, find clothes for the day, (iron, if necessary), get myself ready, Ji up at 5:30, Zack at 6:00. Lunches to be packed, practice clothes, homework, lesson plans to be gathered. (All the while, trying to get enough coffee in me to actually wake up.) Out the door at 6:30 with much prodding, poking, yelling and threatening. It appears that neither of my teenagers is ready or willing to get out the door by 6:30. Drop them off at their bus stop, and then on through the morning traffic to school. I leave my school at 4:00, pick Ji up from volleyball practice at4:30, Zack from soccer at 5:00, face afternoon traffic and get home at about 5:45. Everyone is hungry, so dinner prep, eating and clean up until around 7:00. Zack usually has the computer until 9:00 and by that time, I'm at the point of exhaustion that I don't even want to sign on.
This past week we had something going several evenings. Monday was homegroup, Tuesday "back to school" night at their school, Thursday "back to school" night at my school, Friday volunteer appreciation dinner for church. Wednesday, the only night we would actually have had a free evening, my car broke and had to call friend (thank goodness my friends have great husbands). Car was towed, ($300 plus to fix it), they fixed us dinner and loaned us a car for a few days, but free evening was GONE.
One teenager (my own) was a handful...taking on another goes in the "what was I thinking" category. We are definitely having adjustments. Ji is definitely a teenage girl with a mind of her own. She came thinking, well, I'm not sure what she was thinking. As long as she is getting her way, she is funny and sweet. But if she feels that she is somehow being treated unfairly, she pouts, stomps, slams...any of you who have teenage girls know what I'm talking about. She says that in Korea, teenagers go out with their friends every weekend. She is learning that in America, we make plans, ASK PERMISSION, and do this with more than 15 minutes before said 'time out with friends'. She took her packed lunches to school week one, then said she didn't want them week two. She has money on account at the school for lunches, so I figure if she's hungry she can buy lunch. But then when she was angry at me Friday night for not letting her get in a car with another Korean girl (because her mother told me I was not to do this and I don't let my own son go out in cars with kids) she got very angry and told me that she needed to go because she was hungry. (this was after wolfing down a Big Mac, large fries, apple pie and large coke). I told her that there was plenty in the house to eat and she yelled, "YOU DON'T GIVE ME LUNCH!" Aaaugh. I'm sure she has relayed this information to her parents, but since they don't speak English, I haven't heard from them.
Zack, in the meantime, well, can't say much there except that some information was found out while he was at his Dad's last weekend and he is grounded for at least 2 weeks. No phone, no myspace...so every evening this week, he has spent at least 1 hour (sometimes more) pleading for just an hour...he doesn't take no for an answer. I guess he thinks he will wear me down. It is a bit like chinese water torture...drip, drip, drip. But, so far, I haven't given in OR physically caused him harm.
The good news...I love them both and am praying my way through it. I LOVE my new students and the school. The kids actually thank me when they leave class and I have gotten some great compliments from other faculty and parents.
I am going to work on finding ME time. It is necessary. When I give up ME time, I give up ME and GOD time as well and that makes things 100 times worse. I need to put aside whatever time I can for time with God...I do most of my praying on the way to school and on the way home...but usually on the way to school I am praying away the frustration of the morning.
All that being said, I also have to find blog time. It's cathartic, and something I really enjoy. I'm hoping things start settling into routine more and start falling into a fairly even rythm. That's my goal for this week.
Hope things are well with you.
Friday, August 29, 2008
It's a Girl!
Ji (Hyoji Mun) arrived from Korea yesterday at about 1:30 pm. She will be living with us for the next 4 years. She is 14 and going into the 9th grade. She is a tiny bundle of energy. OK, I'm now making her sound too much like a baby...but she does weigh about as much as my left leg. And she is full of energy. After a 12 hour flight and probably very little sleep the day before she left Korea, I couldn't help but notice how energetic she seemed. I'm excited about the prospect of having Ji be part of our family.
I LOVE having a son. When I was pregnant, I knew immediately that I was having a boy...no medical proof, just a feeling in my heart. But, there is a part of me that always wanted a little girl too. So, this past month, in getting ready for Ji's arrival, I went crazy. First of all, I should say, I NEVER intended to go that PINK. I was wandering through Goodwill one afternoon and found a sarong that was bright pink and dark blue tye-dye. Now, understand that I was never much of a tye-dye kind of person...but the colors of this piece of cloth just jumped out at me. It cost a whopping 99 cents and I decided right then and there that this would be the focal point of Ji's room decor. Well, I found pink sheets, and after taking back the fuzzy, dark blue bed spread/blanket that was leaving dark blue fuzz all over my entire house, I found a deep rose (just another name for dark pink) bed spread. That wasn't enough. I was looking for some kind of cool pillow...something that screamed teenager...yet brought out the dark blue in the sarong. I didn't find what I was initially looking for, but instead found a beautiful pillow shaped like a flower...each petal is stuffed individually...it is silk and several beautiful shades of pink...and I think it made her bed beautiful. I also found her a cute little pink lava lamp...ok, by now I think you get the picture. I put the room all together and had Zack go take a look. He stared for several seconds, then turned to me and said, "I think you went way over the edge here."
As for the sarong...I don't know what I initially intended it to be...a table cloth, curtain, I really don't know...but I ended up putting it away. I made the room so girly looking, that it just didn't fit in anywhere.
We're going out shopping tomorrow for ruffly dresses and hair ribbons. (JUST KIDDING)
Have a safe and relaxing holiday weekend!
I LOVE having a son. When I was pregnant, I knew immediately that I was having a boy...no medical proof, just a feeling in my heart. But, there is a part of me that always wanted a little girl too. So, this past month, in getting ready for Ji's arrival, I went crazy. First of all, I should say, I NEVER intended to go that PINK. I was wandering through Goodwill one afternoon and found a sarong that was bright pink and dark blue tye-dye. Now, understand that I was never much of a tye-dye kind of person...but the colors of this piece of cloth just jumped out at me. It cost a whopping 99 cents and I decided right then and there that this would be the focal point of Ji's room decor. Well, I found pink sheets, and after taking back the fuzzy, dark blue bed spread/blanket that was leaving dark blue fuzz all over my entire house, I found a deep rose (just another name for dark pink) bed spread. That wasn't enough. I was looking for some kind of cool pillow...something that screamed teenager...yet brought out the dark blue in the sarong. I didn't find what I was initially looking for, but instead found a beautiful pillow shaped like a flower...each petal is stuffed individually...it is silk and several beautiful shades of pink...and I think it made her bed beautiful. I also found her a cute little pink lava lamp...ok, by now I think you get the picture. I put the room all together and had Zack go take a look. He stared for several seconds, then turned to me and said, "I think you went way over the edge here."
As for the sarong...I don't know what I initially intended it to be...a table cloth, curtain, I really don't know...but I ended up putting it away. I made the room so girly looking, that it just didn't fit in anywhere.
We're going out shopping tomorrow for ruffly dresses and hair ribbons. (JUST KIDDING)
Have a safe and relaxing holiday weekend!
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Miracles
I posted earlier in the month about needing this to be a month of miracles...and listed a couple that I felt I needed. I have prayed and waited...and am still waiting.
J, as I told you, got her answer and even though it is breaking her heart to close her own place, she looks like 20 pounds of stress have been lifted from her shoulders.
V is getting dialysis 3 times a week. She looks better, feels better, and the appointment to begin looking for a new kidney has been (miraculously) moved ahead and that process can begin MUCH faster. Keep praying though so that she can get a new, improved kidney ASAP.
The two I needed haven't happened yet. Zack's school bill needed to be paid this last week so that he can register this coming week. I know that I will have the money next week (because we get a double pay check at the end of this month)...but that means he won't get to register for classes until after classes begin. Ji arrives this Thursday and we are still in the same house. It will be ok for a couple of months, but the goal is to be moved out by Nov. 1st and that will still take the grace of God.
A realization hit me as I was praying about these needs the other day. When I think of a miracle, I think of things like the parting of the Red Sea, Jesus walking on water or turning water into wine. I really have to stop thinking like that. Miracles take place EVERY DAY! This week alone I have risen healthy and alive each and every day. I have driven safely to work (believe me, that is a miracle around here). I have made new friends. I have felt at home and happy in my new work place. I've been loved and appreciated by family and friends. The sun has been shining the last couple of days. I could go on and on.
I don't need the parting of the Red Sea. That's nice once in a while...but if it happened every day then it wouldn't seem like a miracle. I am learning to appreciate the every day things as miracles in themselves.
Hope you experience a bunch of miracles today.
J, as I told you, got her answer and even though it is breaking her heart to close her own place, she looks like 20 pounds of stress have been lifted from her shoulders.
V is getting dialysis 3 times a week. She looks better, feels better, and the appointment to begin looking for a new kidney has been (miraculously) moved ahead and that process can begin MUCH faster. Keep praying though so that she can get a new, improved kidney ASAP.
The two I needed haven't happened yet. Zack's school bill needed to be paid this last week so that he can register this coming week. I know that I will have the money next week (because we get a double pay check at the end of this month)...but that means he won't get to register for classes until after classes begin. Ji arrives this Thursday and we are still in the same house. It will be ok for a couple of months, but the goal is to be moved out by Nov. 1st and that will still take the grace of God.
A realization hit me as I was praying about these needs the other day. When I think of a miracle, I think of things like the parting of the Red Sea, Jesus walking on water or turning water into wine. I really have to stop thinking like that. Miracles take place EVERY DAY! This week alone I have risen healthy and alive each and every day. I have driven safely to work (believe me, that is a miracle around here). I have made new friends. I have felt at home and happy in my new work place. I've been loved and appreciated by family and friends. The sun has been shining the last couple of days. I could go on and on.
I don't need the parting of the Red Sea. That's nice once in a while...but if it happened every day then it wouldn't seem like a miracle. I am learning to appreciate the every day things as miracles in themselves.
Hope you experience a bunch of miracles today.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Back to school
My summer is officially over. I started work again yesterday (Monday). These first couple of days are training days. It's been great to hear about the history of the church and school that I now work for. I have also been meeting some new people (since I have the opportunity to teach at a different school this year...different school...same school system). First thing Monday morning I met another new teacher at the school and within five minutes we discovered that we both moved to Washington from South Carolina. As a matter of fact, we lived within just a few minutes of each other several years ago. Small world, huh?
We still have a couple of training days and then finally into our class rooms to prepare. I'm excited and anxious to get in there and start getting ready for the kids. I am teaching 4 classes of Seniors (Current World Issues) and 2 classes of Sophomores (World History). I really love the CWI class because there are SO MANY world issues to discuss and I learn almost as much as I teach. I love the opportunity to get into discussions with the Seniors. They are on the verge of a whole new life and it is challenging, as well as rewarding, to have the privilege of seeing them start to realize that a whole new world is getting ready to open up for them.
It brings back a lot of memories too. (Yes, I still do remember back that far.) I remember my Government class. Our teacher kept a bottle of vodka in her desk drawer. I guess she didn't think we knew this. She kept a coffee cup on her desk and just enough coffee in the cup to make sure the liquid was brown, but she wasn't too careful about sticking the cup in her drawer and refilling it. By the end of class, she was well on her way to being sloshed...sad thing is, I had her first period. There was a presidential election my senior year and so we learned a lot about the election process. My best friend and I had to be "campaign managers" for the candidate that Mrs. S was NOT endorsing. Our whole group got nothing higher than D's...no matter what we did... because she hated our candidate so much. The principal had to step in and make her change our grades. She was also in charge of measuring us for caps and gowns. I don't think one of us had the right sized cap...so there was a lot of exchanging on graduation day to find one that actually fit our heads.
Thank goodness we are more careful about teachers these days.
We still have a couple of training days and then finally into our class rooms to prepare. I'm excited and anxious to get in there and start getting ready for the kids. I am teaching 4 classes of Seniors (Current World Issues) and 2 classes of Sophomores (World History). I really love the CWI class because there are SO MANY world issues to discuss and I learn almost as much as I teach. I love the opportunity to get into discussions with the Seniors. They are on the verge of a whole new life and it is challenging, as well as rewarding, to have the privilege of seeing them start to realize that a whole new world is getting ready to open up for them.
It brings back a lot of memories too. (Yes, I still do remember back that far.) I remember my Government class. Our teacher kept a bottle of vodka in her desk drawer. I guess she didn't think we knew this. She kept a coffee cup on her desk and just enough coffee in the cup to make sure the liquid was brown, but she wasn't too careful about sticking the cup in her drawer and refilling it. By the end of class, she was well on her way to being sloshed...sad thing is, I had her first period. There was a presidential election my senior year and so we learned a lot about the election process. My best friend and I had to be "campaign managers" for the candidate that Mrs. S was NOT endorsing. Our whole group got nothing higher than D's...no matter what we did... because she hated our candidate so much. The principal had to step in and make her change our grades. She was also in charge of measuring us for caps and gowns. I don't think one of us had the right sized cap...so there was a lot of exchanging on graduation day to find one that actually fit our heads.
Thank goodness we are more careful about teachers these days.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
The Last Two Weeks
On the first weekend of August, Zack and I went camping with our church home group. We had a wonderful time. Our friends have found a piece of heaven on earth and it was a great weekend of relaxation, good food, good friends and good fun.
Last week was a busy one, and I had a purpose in mind. I wanted to make sure that all my painting and housework was completely done so that I could truly enjoy this week. So, I FINALLY finished the last two rooms that needed painted, also caught up on laundry and housework. This is obviously an area where I am not like my Mom. When my Mom starts a project, she works until it is done. She will work 20 hours a day on that project until it is actually done. It still might take her a few days because she often starts new projects in the midst of the current project. I, on the other hand, "pace myself". I work a couple of hours, then rest a couple of hours, then rest a couple more hours before I work another hour. This makes a major project last an entire 2 months (as this painting project has done.) Anyway, the painting is done! Yeah.
This week has been relaxing and enjoyable. I wanted to have one week where I do only what I actually want to do. I'm finding out that that isn't as easy as it sounds. It's Wednesday and I feel like I've got to pack about 6 weeks into the next 5 days. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything. Does anyone else feel this endless need to "accomplish" something?
This week also began with a reminder that I have a critical spirit. I know that this is an issue that I need to constantly work on. It comes so naturally to me. I was raised in a critical atmosphere, but that's no excuse because I haven't lived in that atmosphere for many years. I try to use sarcasm and wit to disguise it, but even though I think I'm being funny, I'm still being critical and negative. This is an area that I need to fix.
Next Monday I'm back to work. Even though I'm wishing that "summer" wasn't coming to such a quick end, I am excited about what this school year is going to bring.
Have a great day!
Last week was a busy one, and I had a purpose in mind. I wanted to make sure that all my painting and housework was completely done so that I could truly enjoy this week. So, I FINALLY finished the last two rooms that needed painted, also caught up on laundry and housework. This is obviously an area where I am not like my Mom. When my Mom starts a project, she works until it is done. She will work 20 hours a day on that project until it is actually done. It still might take her a few days because she often starts new projects in the midst of the current project. I, on the other hand, "pace myself". I work a couple of hours, then rest a couple of hours, then rest a couple more hours before I work another hour. This makes a major project last an entire 2 months (as this painting project has done.) Anyway, the painting is done! Yeah.
This week has been relaxing and enjoyable. I wanted to have one week where I do only what I actually want to do. I'm finding out that that isn't as easy as it sounds. It's Wednesday and I feel like I've got to pack about 6 weeks into the next 5 days. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything. Does anyone else feel this endless need to "accomplish" something?
This week also began with a reminder that I have a critical spirit. I know that this is an issue that I need to constantly work on. It comes so naturally to me. I was raised in a critical atmosphere, but that's no excuse because I haven't lived in that atmosphere for many years. I try to use sarcasm and wit to disguise it, but even though I think I'm being funny, I'm still being critical and negative. This is an area that I need to fix.
Next Monday I'm back to work. Even though I'm wishing that "summer" wasn't coming to such a quick end, I am excited about what this school year is going to bring.
Have a great day!
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Birthdays
Yesterday I "celebrated" the 14th anniversary of my 39th birthday. Maybe it's me...but I don't enjoy growing older. I have to be honest, instead of looking at it as another wonderful year full of accomplishments...I just start thinking about what I haven't done, where I should be, what I could have done and didn't...etc.etc. No wonder I don't like birthdays.
I had a good day yesterday. Zack and I had just returned from a WONDERFUL camping weekend with our church home group. Yesterday I slept in a little, got up to several phone calls from family and friends, then Zack and I headed off for a couple of hours at a nearby lake where we spent some time with our former room-mate and her two sons. It was sunny and bright...a beautiful day. We came home, showered and got ready for a dinner at Red Lobster. (My treat to me.) Zack got me a portable grill and we are going to use it tonight for grilled shrimp and steaks. We were going to go to a movie last night too...but after eating a full, rich meal...I was ready for bed. So, we saved the movie for tonight.
However, even as we had that wonderful day...in the back of my mind were negative thoughts running over and over....you should own your own home, you should be out of debt, you should be thinner,you should be healthier, you should be more prepared for retirement...I just let it keep running and running through my mind, until it had me weighed down to the point that I had stopped enjoying the day. Last night as I tried to get to sleep, I was having this conversation in my head one more time and FINALLY (I know, I know) I started praying and asked God to keep these thoughts from overpowering my thoughts. Well, He didn't wave His magic wand and make only happy thoughts run through my head. But, He did pop a couple of thoughts into my head and the realization that if I would think of them instead of the negative thoughts, it might make a difference.
As I lay there getting ready to fall asleep, I started to thinking of what I do have and what I have accomplished...I have a beautiful, wonderful (even though he is a teenager) son who loves me. Of course, he is playing his part as a teenager and not showing that love on most days, but when it's needed or necessary...there he is. I have wonderful friends, some of them I've known for just a few years, some I've known for over half of my life. These people are there when I need them. They laugh with me, cry with me, pray with me and for me, share with me, and allow me to be a part of their lives. I have a wonderful church...I could write another blog on what my church does for me. I have family that loves me (though they are so far away) and I have a career that I love. It challenges me and brings me so much joy. The list goes on and on.
As I began listing these things, I thanked God for another year to live this wonderful life. I thanked Him for the many opportunities and blessings that He has given me, as well as the many opportunities and blessings that are yet to come.
Have a great day!
I had a good day yesterday. Zack and I had just returned from a WONDERFUL camping weekend with our church home group. Yesterday I slept in a little, got up to several phone calls from family and friends, then Zack and I headed off for a couple of hours at a nearby lake where we spent some time with our former room-mate and her two sons. It was sunny and bright...a beautiful day. We came home, showered and got ready for a dinner at Red Lobster. (My treat to me.) Zack got me a portable grill and we are going to use it tonight for grilled shrimp and steaks. We were going to go to a movie last night too...but after eating a full, rich meal...I was ready for bed. So, we saved the movie for tonight.
However, even as we had that wonderful day...in the back of my mind were negative thoughts running over and over....you should own your own home, you should be out of debt, you should be thinner,you should be healthier, you should be more prepared for retirement...I just let it keep running and running through my mind, until it had me weighed down to the point that I had stopped enjoying the day. Last night as I tried to get to sleep, I was having this conversation in my head one more time and FINALLY (I know, I know) I started praying and asked God to keep these thoughts from overpowering my thoughts. Well, He didn't wave His magic wand and make only happy thoughts run through my head. But, He did pop a couple of thoughts into my head and the realization that if I would think of them instead of the negative thoughts, it might make a difference.
As I lay there getting ready to fall asleep, I started to thinking of what I do have and what I have accomplished...I have a beautiful, wonderful (even though he is a teenager) son who loves me. Of course, he is playing his part as a teenager and not showing that love on most days, but when it's needed or necessary...there he is. I have wonderful friends, some of them I've known for just a few years, some I've known for over half of my life. These people are there when I need them. They laugh with me, cry with me, pray with me and for me, share with me, and allow me to be a part of their lives. I have a wonderful church...I could write another blog on what my church does for me. I have family that loves me (though they are so far away) and I have a career that I love. It challenges me and brings me so much joy. The list goes on and on.
As I began listing these things, I thanked God for another year to live this wonderful life. I thanked Him for the many opportunities and blessings that He has given me, as well as the many opportunities and blessings that are yet to come.
Have a great day!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
"Great is Thy Faithfulness"
I feel a sermon coming on....those were dreaded thoughts when I was a kid. My Mom would start on a subject and my eyes would meet with my brother's eyes and he would sometimes mouth what we were both thinking..."I feel a sermon coming on". She would commence to "preaching"...on and on and on and on about whatever topic she felt we needed to hear. I promise this entry isn't going to be like that.
Last year, just about this time, I needed some miracles. Something I read or heard suddenly took hold and I felt such a change in my faith and trust in God, that it was hard to even comprehend. But I declared August my "month of miracles" and somehow knew that it would be.
I am once again claiming August my "month of miracles". The miracles that I need are different this year, yet I know that God is faithful and will somehow see that our needs are met. It's not even August and they have started already.
My friend "J" owns her own business...sadly it is a mortgage business. I don't know if any of you keep up on the housing market, but around here it has gone DOWNHILL fast. Her business has been doing very bad this year. When I saw her Sunday I could see the frustration, stress, and even fear on her face. Her tears were flowing freely. I told her that I was going to pray for her and we both needed to BELIEVE that God was going to help. She called me last night to tell me that she got an offer yesterday to join another company. She will close her office, put her stuff in storage and go to work for someone else. This will provide her with a steady base income, plus profits on all loans she gets and closes herself. She doesn't have to worry about salaries and office rent, etc. I could hear the relief in her voice as I spoke to her. So, in the "miracles needed" column of my journal, I can already scratch one off.
"V" is a best friend/sister. She and I were college room-mates. She is the closest thing to a sister I have ever had. She (and her husband--who by the way was my first college date--hmmmm) has been there for me in tough times and I have been there for her. The month she got married she was diagnosed with Lupus. Through the years it caused great damage to her organs and 18 years ago she had to have a kidney transplant. That kidney (which they named Sidney) has given up the ghost. She had a shunt put in yesterday and starts dialysis today. She has to quit work for the time being and go on disability leave. Her name is going to be placed on a donor list and she will have to continue dialysis until she receives another kidney.
Last year Zack's tuition was free. However, the fee's that go along with private school...sports, books, building maintenance, etc. are not free. I still owe over $700. He can't register until that amount is paid in full and then his registration fee is around $200. Registration for sophomores is August 25th. I have worked part-time in the office this summer to help out...but that won't even cover 1/4 of what's needed. We're needing a miracle.
This year things have changed and we now have to pay tuition for our kids (and yes, they are still REQUIRED to go there if we teach there). We do get a 35% discount, so that helps...and my pay has increased (almost as much as the tuition will be). To help out, we will be having a Korean student live with us. I was hoping to have moved to a better house before she gets here on August 25th. To do that, I need first and last month's rent and a landlord who is willing to take a renter with not-perfect credit. This doesn't HAVE to happen this month, it would just be nice if it could happen this month so that we wouldn't have to move during the school year and also so that I wouldn't have to take the kids to school 90 minutes before school actually starts.
So, I am in need of some miracles. Today my Bible reading was Lamentations 3:1-24. The verses that were especially significant...21-23: "Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is YOUR faithfulness."
AMEN!
Last year, just about this time, I needed some miracles. Something I read or heard suddenly took hold and I felt such a change in my faith and trust in God, that it was hard to even comprehend. But I declared August my "month of miracles" and somehow knew that it would be.
I am once again claiming August my "month of miracles". The miracles that I need are different this year, yet I know that God is faithful and will somehow see that our needs are met. It's not even August and they have started already.
My friend "J" owns her own business...sadly it is a mortgage business. I don't know if any of you keep up on the housing market, but around here it has gone DOWNHILL fast. Her business has been doing very bad this year. When I saw her Sunday I could see the frustration, stress, and even fear on her face. Her tears were flowing freely. I told her that I was going to pray for her and we both needed to BELIEVE that God was going to help. She called me last night to tell me that she got an offer yesterday to join another company. She will close her office, put her stuff in storage and go to work for someone else. This will provide her with a steady base income, plus profits on all loans she gets and closes herself. She doesn't have to worry about salaries and office rent, etc. I could hear the relief in her voice as I spoke to her. So, in the "miracles needed" column of my journal, I can already scratch one off.
"V" is a best friend/sister. She and I were college room-mates. She is the closest thing to a sister I have ever had. She (and her husband--who by the way was my first college date--hmmmm) has been there for me in tough times and I have been there for her. The month she got married she was diagnosed with Lupus. Through the years it caused great damage to her organs and 18 years ago she had to have a kidney transplant. That kidney (which they named Sidney) has given up the ghost. She had a shunt put in yesterday and starts dialysis today. She has to quit work for the time being and go on disability leave. Her name is going to be placed on a donor list and she will have to continue dialysis until she receives another kidney.
Last year Zack's tuition was free. However, the fee's that go along with private school...sports, books, building maintenance, etc. are not free. I still owe over $700. He can't register until that amount is paid in full and then his registration fee is around $200. Registration for sophomores is August 25th. I have worked part-time in the office this summer to help out...but that won't even cover 1/4 of what's needed. We're needing a miracle.
This year things have changed and we now have to pay tuition for our kids (and yes, they are still REQUIRED to go there if we teach there). We do get a 35% discount, so that helps...and my pay has increased (almost as much as the tuition will be). To help out, we will be having a Korean student live with us. I was hoping to have moved to a better house before she gets here on August 25th. To do that, I need first and last month's rent and a landlord who is willing to take a renter with not-perfect credit. This doesn't HAVE to happen this month, it would just be nice if it could happen this month so that we wouldn't have to move during the school year and also so that I wouldn't have to take the kids to school 90 minutes before school actually starts.
So, I am in need of some miracles. Today my Bible reading was Lamentations 3:1-24. The verses that were especially significant...21-23: "Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is YOUR faithfulness."
AMEN!
Friday, July 25, 2008
Memories of Dad
Dad was a hard-working man. He worked at a small trucking company, started there when he was a teenager, took a few years off to serve in the Korean conflict, and retired from the same company in his mid-60's. When we would see a Cook truck, we would always get excited and scream out "There's one of Dad's trucks"...even after we were adults and knew better. He was very dedicated to his job. Once he took a one week vacation and on that Friday, he fell off a ladder, breaking his leg and back...but was back at work the next Monday.
I was born during the last few months of Dad's US Navy service. I believe his Navy years were some of the best in his life. He remained friends with a few of his buddies (even named my 2 brothers after them) and told great stories of his time aboard ship.
Dad was quiet and calm. However, every once in a while, he would blow. I remember when we were camping once and he'd had enough of the "fussing". He yelled "ENOUGH!" and threw down his plate. He used enough force that the plastic fork bounced up and stuck one of my brothers in the neck. (Actually it was my Mom's home-made, very sticky syrup that caused the fork to stick.)
Dad was blunt...but in a funny way. I had a college friend who was very un-endowed...if you know what I mean. She was also VERY sensitive about it. She came home with me for a spring break and the 2nd day she was there, my Dad came home with a very large rubber band. He threw it at her and said, "Peg, put this around your waist when you eat...as much as you eat, I'm thinking this would make a difference in your figure." I almost crawled under the table. I didn't know how she would react to that...it could have put her into a "mood" for the next 6 months. But, she laughed until she cried and when we got back to school, she hung that rubber band on her bulletin board. It was there until we graduated.
Dad hated Avon. Mom sold it, Dad always had to go with her to "deliver". He would sit in the car while she delivered...which could take anywhere from 10 minutes to over an hour. He always had to stay up on the nights the order had to go in so that it would make the midnight postmark. (That meant he would leave the house at 11:45 pm, rushing to the post office to make the deadline.) He had more Avon cologne than a man would ever want. He would have been happier with a bottle of "Old Spice". He would have laughed (along with my brother and I) at the fact that his ashes were sealed in an Avon jar and when I went to the funeral home to pick them up, I carried the jar out in an Avon bag.
He was not one who cared about fashion. I cringe at some of the outfits he actually wore during the 70's...as well as the sideburns he felt he had to grow. And I was thrilled when he discovered jeans during his retirement years.
Dad had a nickname for me. He very rarely called me by my name. He nicknamed me "Gertrude" (ouch) when I was very little. I was 2 years old and started crooning loudly and dancing along with someone on the radio named Gertrude Arbusinger (or at least that's the story he told me). So, for as long as I can remember, he called me "Gert". No one else ever called me that...but even when I moved away from home, he would answer the phone with "Hey Gert, how's it going?"
Dad wasn't openly emotional. There weren't a lot of "I love you's" spoken...but it never had to be spoken. It was there and NEVER doubted. He worked a lot when we were kids, so there was a lot of time that Dad wasn't really around to play ball, etc. But when Zack came along, that totally changed. He played ball with Zack, took Zack to work with him, came to my house in the mornings to get Zack up and off to school (because of my school and job commitments)...they were best friends. I am so happy that Zack had that time with Dad.
Dad lied to me twice (that I know of). The first was about my beloved dog "Smitty". I was 4 and Dad told me that Smitty ran away. He even walked me around the block looking for Smitty when I said I wanted to go find him. I didn't find out until I was 16 that Smitty had to be put down because he was very sick.
The second lie was that he was going to live to be 84. I don't know why he chose that age...but he didn't make it. Today would have been his 78th birthday.
We miss you Dad...ever single day.
I was born during the last few months of Dad's US Navy service. I believe his Navy years were some of the best in his life. He remained friends with a few of his buddies (even named my 2 brothers after them) and told great stories of his time aboard ship.
Dad was quiet and calm. However, every once in a while, he would blow. I remember when we were camping once and he'd had enough of the "fussing". He yelled "ENOUGH!" and threw down his plate. He used enough force that the plastic fork bounced up and stuck one of my brothers in the neck. (Actually it was my Mom's home-made, very sticky syrup that caused the fork to stick.)
Dad was blunt...but in a funny way. I had a college friend who was very un-endowed...if you know what I mean. She was also VERY sensitive about it. She came home with me for a spring break and the 2nd day she was there, my Dad came home with a very large rubber band. He threw it at her and said, "Peg, put this around your waist when you eat...as much as you eat, I'm thinking this would make a difference in your figure." I almost crawled under the table. I didn't know how she would react to that...it could have put her into a "mood" for the next 6 months. But, she laughed until she cried and when we got back to school, she hung that rubber band on her bulletin board. It was there until we graduated.
Dad hated Avon. Mom sold it, Dad always had to go with her to "deliver". He would sit in the car while she delivered...which could take anywhere from 10 minutes to over an hour. He always had to stay up on the nights the order had to go in so that it would make the midnight postmark. (That meant he would leave the house at 11:45 pm, rushing to the post office to make the deadline.) He had more Avon cologne than a man would ever want. He would have been happier with a bottle of "Old Spice". He would have laughed (along with my brother and I) at the fact that his ashes were sealed in an Avon jar and when I went to the funeral home to pick them up, I carried the jar out in an Avon bag.
He was not one who cared about fashion. I cringe at some of the outfits he actually wore during the 70's...as well as the sideburns he felt he had to grow. And I was thrilled when he discovered jeans during his retirement years.
Dad had a nickname for me. He very rarely called me by my name. He nicknamed me "Gertrude" (ouch) when I was very little. I was 2 years old and started crooning loudly and dancing along with someone on the radio named Gertrude Arbusinger (or at least that's the story he told me). So, for as long as I can remember, he called me "Gert". No one else ever called me that...but even when I moved away from home, he would answer the phone with "Hey Gert, how's it going?"
Dad wasn't openly emotional. There weren't a lot of "I love you's" spoken...but it never had to be spoken. It was there and NEVER doubted. He worked a lot when we were kids, so there was a lot of time that Dad wasn't really around to play ball, etc. But when Zack came along, that totally changed. He played ball with Zack, took Zack to work with him, came to my house in the mornings to get Zack up and off to school (because of my school and job commitments)...they were best friends. I am so happy that Zack had that time with Dad.
Dad lied to me twice (that I know of). The first was about my beloved dog "Smitty". I was 4 and Dad told me that Smitty ran away. He even walked me around the block looking for Smitty when I said I wanted to go find him. I didn't find out until I was 16 that Smitty had to be put down because he was very sick.
The second lie was that he was going to live to be 84. I don't know why he chose that age...but he didn't make it. Today would have been his 78th birthday.
We miss you Dad...ever single day.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Rest and Relaxation
I got back late Saturday night from 4 days in the woods. Laura and I left on Wednesday, without kids, and went to her place at Goldbar Nature Trails. It's only about 40 miles away...but truly seemed like a world away. There was no traffic, no responsibilities, no schedule...it was great. We read, ate, slept, played cards, talked, giggled, and really had a great time. I'm so glad that we had the chance to get away. While we were there, I even read 4 books!
I need to start taking some time away once in a while. So far my summer vacation hasn't really been much of a vacation. Even though I still have a little painting to do, the house is clean and ready to show to prospective buyers. I don't have any major projects left to take care of. So, I'm going to take my time and start working on lesson plans, keep the house and laundry in shape, and spend more time relaxing. Once the school year starts that is hard to do.
Again, I am reminded to "be still and know that I am God". It's hard to listen to God in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. I know I can't go "into the woods" every time I need to hear something from God, but I need to be able to stop, relax, take some time and listen.
Have a great week!
I need to start taking some time away once in a while. So far my summer vacation hasn't really been much of a vacation. Even though I still have a little painting to do, the house is clean and ready to show to prospective buyers. I don't have any major projects left to take care of. So, I'm going to take my time and start working on lesson plans, keep the house and laundry in shape, and spend more time relaxing. Once the school year starts that is hard to do.
Again, I am reminded to "be still and know that I am God". It's hard to listen to God in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. I know I can't go "into the woods" every time I need to hear something from God, but I need to be able to stop, relax, take some time and listen.
Have a great week!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Trust
Trust, faith, belief, security...this concept has to be one of the biggest struggles in life...at least for me, it is. I am the queen of "second guessing". I believe I am following God's leading in life and then the first time there is even the hint of a problem, I start second guessing. Was I really listening? Was I just following what I wanted to do? Did I make the wrong choice?
I read something this morning that was like a "refrigerator" moment. (You know, when the kitchen is totally dark in the middle of the night and you open the refrigerator and suddenly everything is visible.) "Trusting God doesn't alter our circumstances. Perfect trust in Him changes us."
This is an issue that I've been thinking a lot about lately. Following God, trusting Him, having faith...really isn't EVER easy. I was really reminded of this last Sunday at church. Scott (our soon-to-be-former pastor) and his family are following God's leading. He has led them to leave the church and people they love and head off to another church. Scott has faith and believes that He is following God's leading...but it's obvious that this has not been an easy decision for anyone. There is a lot of heart break and pain. It's never easy leaving those you love and a place where you are comfortable. It would probably be easier for them to stay comfortably right where they are. But, that's not what God has in mind for any of us.
He doesn't always give us "easy". The key is (for me anyway) to realize that just because I have faith in God doesn't mean my life is suddenly going to get easier. However, because I have faith in God, my attitude towards the tough times should be different. I have to realize that these times are a time for me to grow and learn...and because of the changes in ME, I can still trust God and the plans He has for me.
Have a great day!
I read something this morning that was like a "refrigerator" moment. (You know, when the kitchen is totally dark in the middle of the night and you open the refrigerator and suddenly everything is visible.) "Trusting God doesn't alter our circumstances. Perfect trust in Him changes us."
This is an issue that I've been thinking a lot about lately. Following God, trusting Him, having faith...really isn't EVER easy. I was really reminded of this last Sunday at church. Scott (our soon-to-be-former pastor) and his family are following God's leading. He has led them to leave the church and people they love and head off to another church. Scott has faith and believes that He is following God's leading...but it's obvious that this has not been an easy decision for anyone. There is a lot of heart break and pain. It's never easy leaving those you love and a place where you are comfortable. It would probably be easier for them to stay comfortably right where they are. But, that's not what God has in mind for any of us.
He doesn't always give us "easy". The key is (for me anyway) to realize that just because I have faith in God doesn't mean my life is suddenly going to get easier. However, because I have faith in God, my attitude towards the tough times should be different. I have to realize that these times are a time for me to grow and learn...and because of the changes in ME, I can still trust God and the plans He has for me.
Have a great day!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Painting
What made me think I could paint 4 rooms in 3 days? So far, I have painted 1 room in 4 days. I think I'm doing something wrong.
The one room that is done (my bedroom) looks good. I finished it up and then put the room together. I have pictures on the wall and decor out and about. I'd be proud of that, except for the fact that we moved in here 6 months ago.
Zack thinks I'm crazy. After all, this house goes on the "market" tomorrow. But, I'm trying to help out the landlords. They have been really good to us...letting us move in without a deposit, not getting mad if the rent is late, etc. I'm trying to make it look "home-y" so that it will sell faster.
However, if it does sell fast, I'm in trouble. That means we have to move. I know that a move is coming...as a matter of fact, I'm looking forward to it. However, moving means that I need money and when you live pay check to pay check, it's not like there is a large bundle of money sitting there waiting for first, last and deposit.
Anyway, back to painting...I'm painting off-white (almost tan) walls white. That shouldn't be so hard. The walls and ceilings are stucco. I got the whole room painted, stepped back to admire my work, and what did I see...spotted walls. And WHY does it always look so easy on those home improvement shows? They pick up a roller, give it a couple swipes and TA-DA the room is miraculously a new color.
I also have learned that there is a correlation between the word paint and pain. I try to forget that I am getting older. My shoulders are telling me something else.
Enough avoidance therapy...I'm going to go try to get another wall done before we leave for church.
The one room that is done (my bedroom) looks good. I finished it up and then put the room together. I have pictures on the wall and decor out and about. I'd be proud of that, except for the fact that we moved in here 6 months ago.
Zack thinks I'm crazy. After all, this house goes on the "market" tomorrow. But, I'm trying to help out the landlords. They have been really good to us...letting us move in without a deposit, not getting mad if the rent is late, etc. I'm trying to make it look "home-y" so that it will sell faster.
However, if it does sell fast, I'm in trouble. That means we have to move. I know that a move is coming...as a matter of fact, I'm looking forward to it. However, moving means that I need money and when you live pay check to pay check, it's not like there is a large bundle of money sitting there waiting for first, last and deposit.
Anyway, back to painting...I'm painting off-white (almost tan) walls white. That shouldn't be so hard. The walls and ceilings are stucco. I got the whole room painted, stepped back to admire my work, and what did I see...spotted walls. And WHY does it always look so easy on those home improvement shows? They pick up a roller, give it a couple swipes and TA-DA the room is miraculously a new color.
I also have learned that there is a correlation between the word paint and pain. I try to forget that I am getting older. My shoulders are telling me something else.
Enough avoidance therapy...I'm going to go try to get another wall done before we leave for church.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Self Improvement
We spend much of our lives working on "self improvement". That's not a bad thing. My Dad always said, "even a barn needs a fresh coat of paint once in a while".
Physically is where I have issues. I don't seem to do well when it comes to physical self improvement. I remember when I got to college and one of my friends asked if she could pluck my eyebrows for me. She began plucking and after about 4 painful plucks I wanted to stop. (this was before waxing, I think) Another "friend" said, "no, let me do it". She proceeded to take a Q-tip and Nair (yes, hair REMOVER) and she did my eyebrows. I ended up with about 4 hairs over each eye...my bangs weren't quite long enough to cover it, so I walked around looking "surprised" for about 3 months. For some reason I thought if I had my eyes wide open and what was left of my eyebrows raised, no one would notice. I don't think that really worked.
I have had more episodes with my hair than I wish to recall. I always wanted "Sally Field when she was Gidget" hair. I wanted long, bouncy, straight...I got...well, not that. I have hair more like Diana Ross. (I'm aging myself here.) In other words, I'm a white woman with ethnic hair. I finally realized that all the straightening in the world wasn't going to help...so I gave up and went with a short cut. I could go to the best stylist in the world and get a personally designed hair cut and I promise you that a week later it would be round.
The one thing I THINK I can improve about it is the gray. I am not ready for gray yet...don't know when I will be. Maybe I'll be one of those 75 year old women with obviously colored hair (I don't think I'll ever have to pencil in the brows, they are still out of control). But hopefully, I will one day know the right color to use. I did it again yesterday. I went a couple of shades lighter than I usually do because I heard on "Shear Genius" (a Bravo reality show) that mature women should not go too dark because it will make them look older. So, I thought that by going a couple shades lighter, it would look more natural. But no, it doesn't matter what I use, I still look like I could be one of the Osborne (Ozzy and Sharon) kids. I just did it yesterday morning and have washed it twice since then trying to tone it down. Today I'm just going to wear all black, a lot of chains and "go with the flow".
I'm not even going to tell you about the fiasco with the tanning spray...just know that I won't be wearing shorts until it completely fades.
Physically is where I have issues. I don't seem to do well when it comes to physical self improvement. I remember when I got to college and one of my friends asked if she could pluck my eyebrows for me. She began plucking and after about 4 painful plucks I wanted to stop. (this was before waxing, I think) Another "friend" said, "no, let me do it". She proceeded to take a Q-tip and Nair (yes, hair REMOVER) and she did my eyebrows. I ended up with about 4 hairs over each eye...my bangs weren't quite long enough to cover it, so I walked around looking "surprised" for about 3 months. For some reason I thought if I had my eyes wide open and what was left of my eyebrows raised, no one would notice. I don't think that really worked.
I have had more episodes with my hair than I wish to recall. I always wanted "Sally Field when she was Gidget" hair. I wanted long, bouncy, straight...I got...well, not that. I have hair more like Diana Ross. (I'm aging myself here.) In other words, I'm a white woman with ethnic hair. I finally realized that all the straightening in the world wasn't going to help...so I gave up and went with a short cut. I could go to the best stylist in the world and get a personally designed hair cut and I promise you that a week later it would be round.
The one thing I THINK I can improve about it is the gray. I am not ready for gray yet...don't know when I will be. Maybe I'll be one of those 75 year old women with obviously colored hair (I don't think I'll ever have to pencil in the brows, they are still out of control). But hopefully, I will one day know the right color to use. I did it again yesterday. I went a couple of shades lighter than I usually do because I heard on "Shear Genius" (a Bravo reality show) that mature women should not go too dark because it will make them look older. So, I thought that by going a couple shades lighter, it would look more natural. But no, it doesn't matter what I use, I still look like I could be one of the Osborne (Ozzy and Sharon) kids. I just did it yesterday morning and have washed it twice since then trying to tone it down. Today I'm just going to wear all black, a lot of chains and "go with the flow".
I'm not even going to tell you about the fiasco with the tanning spray...just know that I won't be wearing shorts until it completely fades.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
No clever title
During the school year I wake up at 4:30 am. I get up quickly (at least until around March) and make my coffee...then sit with a cup or two while I have my devotions, play on the computer for a few minutes and then slowly get ready for my day. I have been looking forward to summer since...well, for quite a while. I was looking forward to long leisurely mornings...waking up whenever, having my coffee, not getting dressed until I absolutely had to...aaaah, summer.
Here's the problem. The first week, I kept waking up with a knot in my stomach, thinking I was LATE. Once the realization hit me that I didn't have to be anywhere anytime soon, I waited for the "nervousness" in my stomach to calm down. The problem...it hasn't.
Now, during my childhood, we dealt constantly with my Mom's "nerves". She woke up (and probably still does) nervous EVERYDAY. My Mom never takes a day off. When I am on the phone with her, she is constantly talking about ALL that she has to do. What could she have to do? She is 78, has a husband, a dog and that's about it. How dirty could her house be? How much laundry could she really have? That's just her way. I know that.
But her "nerves" controlled our lives. When she was frantic and hysterical (for no reason), my Dad would say, "you guys behave, your Mom's nerves are acting up". I realized, as I grew older, that had she ever gone to a good doctor or counselor, her "nerves" probably would have had a name. (manic depression, bipolar something or other, etc)
Now, here I am, waking up "nervous" every morning. It's almost like an overwhelming feeling of guilt. I begin the day thinking "I've got to....I need to....I have to...". I can't blame it on the coffee because it starts before the coffee is even in the pot. Is this heredity? Do I have some genetic malfunction that causes "nerves"? Maybe...but the difference here is...I refuse to let it get me.
God and I are discussing it on a daily basis. I'm writing about it in my journal and now here, publicy (for all 5 of my readers). I'm making little lists of things that I really need to do during the day, and slowly, I am getting them done. I am stopping a few times a day and relaxing...even when there are still rooms to paint, boxes to move, dishes to do, etc. etc. etc. I have lots of time to get these things done. I even survived a surprise, drop in visit from one of my friends yesterday. When I saw her car pull in, my immediate reaction was..."oh, no, my house is a disaster!". I wanted to hide, but she'd already seen me. But then I realized...she loves me...not because of the way my house looks, but because I'm ME.
If this continues, I will do what Mom wouldn't do...I will discuss it with a professional. Maybe I'll be relieved to find that it's part of menopause...or my diet (or lack thereof)...or something else. Maybe I'll need to take a pill...I hope not...I hate taking pills. Maybe God and I will get it handled without any outside help. Whatever "it" is...I refuse to be controlled.
Here's the problem. The first week, I kept waking up with a knot in my stomach, thinking I was LATE. Once the realization hit me that I didn't have to be anywhere anytime soon, I waited for the "nervousness" in my stomach to calm down. The problem...it hasn't.
Now, during my childhood, we dealt constantly with my Mom's "nerves". She woke up (and probably still does) nervous EVERYDAY. My Mom never takes a day off. When I am on the phone with her, she is constantly talking about ALL that she has to do. What could she have to do? She is 78, has a husband, a dog and that's about it. How dirty could her house be? How much laundry could she really have? That's just her way. I know that.
But her "nerves" controlled our lives. When she was frantic and hysterical (for no reason), my Dad would say, "you guys behave, your Mom's nerves are acting up". I realized, as I grew older, that had she ever gone to a good doctor or counselor, her "nerves" probably would have had a name. (manic depression, bipolar something or other, etc)
Now, here I am, waking up "nervous" every morning. It's almost like an overwhelming feeling of guilt. I begin the day thinking "I've got to....I need to....I have to...". I can't blame it on the coffee because it starts before the coffee is even in the pot. Is this heredity? Do I have some genetic malfunction that causes "nerves"? Maybe...but the difference here is...I refuse to let it get me.
God and I are discussing it on a daily basis. I'm writing about it in my journal and now here, publicy (for all 5 of my readers). I'm making little lists of things that I really need to do during the day, and slowly, I am getting them done. I am stopping a few times a day and relaxing...even when there are still rooms to paint, boxes to move, dishes to do, etc. etc. etc. I have lots of time to get these things done. I even survived a surprise, drop in visit from one of my friends yesterday. When I saw her car pull in, my immediate reaction was..."oh, no, my house is a disaster!". I wanted to hide, but she'd already seen me. But then I realized...she loves me...not because of the way my house looks, but because I'm ME.
If this continues, I will do what Mom wouldn't do...I will discuss it with a professional. Maybe I'll be relieved to find that it's part of menopause...or my diet (or lack thereof)...or something else. Maybe I'll need to take a pill...I hope not...I hate taking pills. Maybe God and I will get it handled without any outside help. Whatever "it" is...I refuse to be controlled.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Endings and Beginnings
So, my Pastor is leaving. He and his family have accepted a calling to another church. They aren't leaving the state...just moving to another location. Endings are always sad and hard...change is never easy.
BUT with every ending, there is a new beginning. I love the church that I go to. Oh, I get frustrated sometimes...usual "church" things. I am excited to see what this new beginning means to our church. Don't get me wrong...not really excited to lose Scott...but again, can't help but wonder who God is planning to replace him with.
My life seems to be full of endings and beginnings. I just began a new job this year and completely fell in love with the kids, the school, the staff...and then the year ended just as I found out that I am being transferred to another school. I have spent my time "grieving" (and whining and complaining) over this change...but again...my life is not my own. I belong to God and He is the one making the plans for my life. (when I don't jump ahead of Him) So, now I am working at (yes, I have to be the one making an effort) thinking about the great adventures ahead of me in this new beginning. I am thinking about the new subjects, new classroom, new kids, new friends, and new experiences that are coming up in another new stage of my life.
Now, I need to make a new beginning on this day!
BUT with every ending, there is a new beginning. I love the church that I go to. Oh, I get frustrated sometimes...usual "church" things. I am excited to see what this new beginning means to our church. Don't get me wrong...not really excited to lose Scott...but again, can't help but wonder who God is planning to replace him with.
My life seems to be full of endings and beginnings. I just began a new job this year and completely fell in love with the kids, the school, the staff...and then the year ended just as I found out that I am being transferred to another school. I have spent my time "grieving" (and whining and complaining) over this change...but again...my life is not my own. I belong to God and He is the one making the plans for my life. (when I don't jump ahead of Him) So, now I am working at (yes, I have to be the one making an effort) thinking about the great adventures ahead of me in this new beginning. I am thinking about the new subjects, new classroom, new kids, new friends, and new experiences that are coming up in another new stage of my life.
Now, I need to make a new beginning on this day!
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Zack at 14
OK, don't call 911...I made it out alive. If I must say, the room looks great...now on to the rest of the house.
Zack came home from camp full of stories and great experiences. I'm so glad he got to go this year. I had to take him immediately to his Dad's house for a few days. (We split time during the summer.) He hugged and kissed me when I picked him up (which is unusual for a 14 year old boy...especially in public)...and then again when I dropped him off at his Dad's.
Then this morning, I made him mad. I have a tendency to do that a lot these days. I feel like I have to say "no" now, more than I did when he was a busy toddler. Now he's a busy teenager...and he feels like he should be independent already. He called to ask if he could spend the 4th of July with his best friend K. K is 16 and has his license and a car. The plan did not include any adult supervision...I don't count the 19 year old female cousin who just moved here to get away from all the "trouble" she was in at home. Zack, on the other hand, believes that she is adult supervision.
I remember hearing my own Mom go on and on about the trouble kids can get into without supervision and thinking she was just too strict and old fashioned. Now I find myself in that same place. I remember her saying "I know what it's like to be a teenager". I would think to myself, "oh yeah, back in the days before electricity was invented". I'm sure my son feels the same way. He doesn't think I remember being a teenager. OK, I have to admit, I have to think hard...but the fact is, I have worked with teenagers for almost 30 years now, so I REALLY do know what it's like to be a teenager. So when I say no, he thinks I'm being too strict and old fashioned.
Someday (in about 10 years), he'll realize why I say no when I do...until then, I'll be the "mean ole Mom". It's my job.
Zack came home from camp full of stories and great experiences. I'm so glad he got to go this year. I had to take him immediately to his Dad's house for a few days. (We split time during the summer.) He hugged and kissed me when I picked him up (which is unusual for a 14 year old boy...especially in public)...and then again when I dropped him off at his Dad's.
Then this morning, I made him mad. I have a tendency to do that a lot these days. I feel like I have to say "no" now, more than I did when he was a busy toddler. Now he's a busy teenager...and he feels like he should be independent already. He called to ask if he could spend the 4th of July with his best friend K. K is 16 and has his license and a car. The plan did not include any adult supervision...I don't count the 19 year old female cousin who just moved here to get away from all the "trouble" she was in at home. Zack, on the other hand, believes that she is adult supervision.
I remember hearing my own Mom go on and on about the trouble kids can get into without supervision and thinking she was just too strict and old fashioned. Now I find myself in that same place. I remember her saying "I know what it's like to be a teenager". I would think to myself, "oh yeah, back in the days before electricity was invented". I'm sure my son feels the same way. He doesn't think I remember being a teenager. OK, I have to admit, I have to think hard...but the fact is, I have worked with teenagers for almost 30 years now, so I REALLY do know what it's like to be a teenager. So when I say no, he thinks I'm being too strict and old fashioned.
Someday (in about 10 years), he'll realize why I say no when I do...until then, I'll be the "mean ole Mom". It's my job.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Housecleaning
Zack comes home from camp this afternoon. I'm going to clean his room...I have a shovel, face mask, and gloves. I have definitely allowed him to have his own "space"...but right now, I have to clean it and give him a fresh canvas to start over in. I'm pretty sure it will be a mess again before the end of the week, but feeling like I have to do my "motherly" duty.
My Mom was "June Cleaver". If you don't remember June Cleaver, she was the Beav's mom. She wore a dress with pearls and always an apron...OK, my Mom didn't wear the pearls, but our house was always PERFECT. I should look back at that with appreciation, but I really don't. Our house was never dirty, yet every Saturday was house cleaning day...and I DO mean day! It took ALL DAY to clean an already clean house. We were never (and I do mean never) allowed to wear shoes in the house. We weren't allowed to close our bedroom doors and our rooms needed to be ready for viewing at all times...beds made, clothes put away, all knick-knacks in place, nothing out of place. We were only allowed to sit on the living room furniture when we had company. I AM NOT KIDDING! (However, I would like to note that when she sold the furniture to a relative 25 years after buying it, it looked brand new.) There were never any dishes in our sink or in a drain rack. They were washed, (even before going into the dishwasher), dried and put away IMMEDIATELY after each meal. I love my Mom, but lots of family time and fun time was given up because the house was "dirty". I found out later in life that her "perfect" house actually came from some things that happened in her childhood that made her feel so imperfect on the inside...but as a kid I didn't have that knowledge.
I definitely have not followed in my Mom's footsteps. My house is lived in...right now a little too lived in. Saturday is NEVER cleaning day...there is no designated day...just when I have a little extra time on my hands. We wear our shoes in the house if we want to, we even put our feet (without shoes) on the furniture. There are often dishes in the sink and I don't wash them in soapy water before putting them in the dishwasher. I use dishtowels to wipe my hands...anything that doesn't go in the dishwasher air dries. You wouldn't want to eat off of any of our floors. I still find little puffs of dog hair and the dog has been gone for a while now.
Maybe I should have found a balance. I always make plans to do better...but life is busy and the house is just not always my first priority. However, today 2 rooms are going to become a priority (can't really do his unless mine is a good example).
OK, have avoided it long enough...I'm going in, if you don't see a blog for awhile, please call 911.
My Mom was "June Cleaver". If you don't remember June Cleaver, she was the Beav's mom. She wore a dress with pearls and always an apron...OK, my Mom didn't wear the pearls, but our house was always PERFECT. I should look back at that with appreciation, but I really don't. Our house was never dirty, yet every Saturday was house cleaning day...and I DO mean day! It took ALL DAY to clean an already clean house. We were never (and I do mean never) allowed to wear shoes in the house. We weren't allowed to close our bedroom doors and our rooms needed to be ready for viewing at all times...beds made, clothes put away, all knick-knacks in place, nothing out of place. We were only allowed to sit on the living room furniture when we had company. I AM NOT KIDDING! (However, I would like to note that when she sold the furniture to a relative 25 years after buying it, it looked brand new.) There were never any dishes in our sink or in a drain rack. They were washed, (even before going into the dishwasher), dried and put away IMMEDIATELY after each meal. I love my Mom, but lots of family time and fun time was given up because the house was "dirty". I found out later in life that her "perfect" house actually came from some things that happened in her childhood that made her feel so imperfect on the inside...but as a kid I didn't have that knowledge.
I definitely have not followed in my Mom's footsteps. My house is lived in...right now a little too lived in. Saturday is NEVER cleaning day...there is no designated day...just when I have a little extra time on my hands. We wear our shoes in the house if we want to, we even put our feet (without shoes) on the furniture. There are often dishes in the sink and I don't wash them in soapy water before putting them in the dishwasher. I use dishtowels to wipe my hands...anything that doesn't go in the dishwasher air dries. You wouldn't want to eat off of any of our floors. I still find little puffs of dog hair and the dog has been gone for a while now.
Maybe I should have found a balance. I always make plans to do better...but life is busy and the house is just not always my first priority. However, today 2 rooms are going to become a priority (can't really do his unless mine is a good example).
OK, have avoided it long enough...I'm going in, if you don't see a blog for awhile, please call 911.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Still in the weeds
Ok, I actually spent 3 hours (off and on) trying to cut the huge weeds that I would like to call a yard. I don't even have a quarter of the front yard done...but the summer lies ahead of me (and Zack...my 14 year old...gets home from camp tomorrow). I started to get discouraged after working and not getting much done. Then I realized that it takes a long time to get ourselves in these weeds...why do we think in one afternoon we can get them cleared from our lives?
That's how life is. It took me years to become overweight...I'm not going to get thin overnight. It took me months to stack up all the disorganization in this house...I'm not going to organize in one day. Etc. Etc. I just have to plug along...that's what life's all about.
Today I'm taking a DAY OFF with a really good friend. Jimi and I are going 20 miles to her lake house (on a very small lake). It's going to be just us...eating, giggling, fishing, and just relaxing! I'm not going to think about my house or my yard or anything else hanging over my head right now. I'm going to enjoy a beautiful day by the lake with a really great friend.
Hope you all have a GREAT day!
That's how life is. It took me years to become overweight...I'm not going to get thin overnight. It took me months to stack up all the disorganization in this house...I'm not going to organize in one day. Etc. Etc. I just have to plug along...that's what life's all about.
Today I'm taking a DAY OFF with a really good friend. Jimi and I are going 20 miles to her lake house (on a very small lake). It's going to be just us...eating, giggling, fishing, and just relaxing! I'm not going to think about my house or my yard or anything else hanging over my head right now. I'm going to enjoy a beautiful day by the lake with a really great friend.
Hope you all have a GREAT day!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
SUMMER
It's SUMMER!!! The sun is shining...the birds are singing...I slept in until 8 (after getting up at 5 for the last 9 months, that IS sleeping in)...and I am ready to go out in the yard and start "weed whacking". I have been putting it off for three days now.
Monday I dropped Zack off at the church for a week of camp, then came home and literally got off of the couch only to eat, go to the bathroom, and get more to eat. Yesterday I went back to school to clean out my room. For some reason, I had it pegged as a one to two hour job...6 hours later, I had the car completely packed and was ready to come home. So, today, I face the yard.
This shouldn't be so daunting...but it is. When we moved here in December, the yard was in bad condition. Front part was about 6 inches high and nothing but what looked like small twigs of something...back yard looked like a very wet wheat field...of course, can't do much of yard work December through at least March and April. Then we had snow in March AND April (really unusual for the Pacific Northwest unless you live in the mountains)...so, by the end of April when it started drying up, I knew we had to get to it soon. Of course, being a renter, I have no lawn mower or anything. I did ask the landlord several times if they could loan us a mower...needless to say, it never happened...so now I am looking at a wheat field surrounding my house. A mower wouldn't be able to get through it. I am getting ready to begin "whacking" a quarter of an acre so that we actually can begin mowing again. I guess I could save it for Zack...but I'm getting embarrassed by the looks of people driving by, as well as the neighbors. I have taken to putting up my hoodie as I leave the house and trying hard not to return until after dark. Since sunset doesn't happen until after 9, that is getting harder and harder.
I have to "get er done". I am taking this as a life lesson...when we don't take care of things that need taking care of...they get to a point that makes the task look impossible. I'm thinking of several issues in my own life. My weight...instead of handling it when it started getting out of control (how many years ago was that?)...I just keep letting it go. Now I am facing the fact that I HAVE to get rid of extra weight for numerous reasons...most of them health related. My house...another area that I have let go. It's not "dirty" dirty...just unorganized dirty. The condition of my cluttered house makes my head get cluttered. I could go on...but, at this point I am just avoiding going out there.
My lesson for today will be to quit avoiding and start mowing things when they need mowed. Off to the yard!
Monday I dropped Zack off at the church for a week of camp, then came home and literally got off of the couch only to eat, go to the bathroom, and get more to eat. Yesterday I went back to school to clean out my room. For some reason, I had it pegged as a one to two hour job...6 hours later, I had the car completely packed and was ready to come home. So, today, I face the yard.
This shouldn't be so daunting...but it is. When we moved here in December, the yard was in bad condition. Front part was about 6 inches high and nothing but what looked like small twigs of something...back yard looked like a very wet wheat field...of course, can't do much of yard work December through at least March and April. Then we had snow in March AND April (really unusual for the Pacific Northwest unless you live in the mountains)...so, by the end of April when it started drying up, I knew we had to get to it soon. Of course, being a renter, I have no lawn mower or anything. I did ask the landlord several times if they could loan us a mower...needless to say, it never happened...so now I am looking at a wheat field surrounding my house. A mower wouldn't be able to get through it. I am getting ready to begin "whacking" a quarter of an acre so that we actually can begin mowing again. I guess I could save it for Zack...but I'm getting embarrassed by the looks of people driving by, as well as the neighbors. I have taken to putting up my hoodie as I leave the house and trying hard not to return until after dark. Since sunset doesn't happen until after 9, that is getting harder and harder.
I have to "get er done". I am taking this as a life lesson...when we don't take care of things that need taking care of...they get to a point that makes the task look impossible. I'm thinking of several issues in my own life. My weight...instead of handling it when it started getting out of control (how many years ago was that?)...I just keep letting it go. Now I am facing the fact that I HAVE to get rid of extra weight for numerous reasons...most of them health related. My house...another area that I have let go. It's not "dirty" dirty...just unorganized dirty. The condition of my cluttered house makes my head get cluttered. I could go on...but, at this point I am just avoiding going out there.
My lesson for today will be to quit avoiding and start mowing things when they need mowed. Off to the yard!
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