No clever title

During the school year I wake up at 4:30 am. I get up quickly (at least until around March) and make my coffee...then sit with a cup or two while I have my devotions, play on the computer for a few minutes and then slowly get ready for my day. I have been looking forward to summer since...well, for quite a while. I was looking forward to long leisurely mornings...waking up whenever, having my coffee, not getting dressed until I absolutely had to...aaaah, summer.

Here's the problem. The first week, I kept waking up with a knot in my stomach, thinking I was LATE. Once the realization hit me that I didn't have to be anywhere anytime soon, I waited for the "nervousness" in my stomach to calm down. The problem...it hasn't.

Now, during my childhood, we dealt constantly with my Mom's "nerves". She woke up (and probably still does) nervous EVERYDAY. My Mom never takes a day off. When I am on the phone with her, she is constantly talking about ALL that she has to do. What could she have to do? She is 78, has a husband, a dog and that's about it. How dirty could her house be? How much laundry could she really have? That's just her way. I know that.

But her "nerves" controlled our lives. When she was frantic and hysterical (for no reason), my Dad would say, "you guys behave, your Mom's nerves are acting up". I realized, as I grew older, that had she ever gone to a good doctor or counselor, her "nerves" probably would have had a name. (manic depression, bipolar something or other, etc)

Now, here I am, waking up "nervous" every morning. It's almost like an overwhelming feeling of guilt. I begin the day thinking "I've got to....I need to....I have to...". I can't blame it on the coffee because it starts before the coffee is even in the pot. Is this heredity? Do I have some genetic malfunction that causes "nerves"? Maybe...but the difference here is...I refuse to let it get me.

God and I are discussing it on a daily basis. I'm writing about it in my journal and now here, publicy (for all 5 of my readers). I'm making little lists of things that I really need to do during the day, and slowly, I am getting them done. I am stopping a few times a day and relaxing...even when there are still rooms to paint, boxes to move, dishes to do, etc. etc. etc. I have lots of time to get these things done. I even survived a surprise, drop in visit from one of my friends yesterday. When I saw her car pull in, my immediate reaction was..."oh, no, my house is a disaster!". I wanted to hide, but she'd already seen me. But then I realized...she loves me...not because of the way my house looks, but because I'm ME.

If this continues, I will do what Mom wouldn't do...I will discuss it with a professional. Maybe I'll be relieved to find that it's part of menopause...or my diet (or lack thereof)...or something else. Maybe I'll need to take a pill...I hope not...I hate taking pills. Maybe God and I will get it handled without any outside help. Whatever "it" is...I refuse to be controlled.