Gift of blessings

People give us gifts and never realize the impact it might have in our lives. I know I have spoken a few times about the little book that Jimi gave me (she's my friend who hired me to work at her mortgage office...friend before boss). Anyway, this book has TRULY been a blessing. On those days when I feel like maybe God is too busy to give me answers, He uses this book to remind me of things I need to be reminded of.

I really have had a hard time coming out of this "slump". I've talked enough about that, just wanted to share what my book reminded me of the last couple of days. I'll paraphrase:

6/13--Life and pain go together...you can't have one without the other...the goal is not to get away from pain, but to endure and win over it...while learning the lessons that only pain can teach us. "Pain is inevitable. Misery is optional. " I have to opt NOT to be miserable...but to continue learning.

6/14--"God's graces sees beyond our deepest need." Whatever it is that I think I NEED...God knows SO MUCH BETTER. How can I feel bad? I just have to say it again, if not this (job, etc.) then there is something that God knows that I don't. I have to trust Him, wait on Him and THANK Him for allowing me to be where He wants me.

A Slump

*I actually blogged on Friday (listed in archives under JOB)...for some reason, I don't see it when I sign in...so, don't know what happened there.

I'm in a SLUMP. I'm really struggling to keep my spirits up. I know in my head and heart that God is in control. I do trust Him. Yet, when I feel like I'm feeling, I then add guilt to the mixture of feelings. (Anyone want to break into THE song right about now?) I feel guilty because, what?, I'm human.

I want a syllabus. In college, when I would start a new class, the professor would hand out the syllabus. That would give us the dates of every test, project, topic, etc. that would be covered during our semester together. I knew when the tests would come. I knew when we would be covering certain subjects. I knew when I would have to make time for the library to get ready to write a paper.

I would like that same thing for life. Maybe it would be too overwhelming to see some of the tests that we will be facing along the way...but on days like today, I just want to know when the answers come...when relief is in sight.

Job

Now, some of you looked at the title and read "job" (place where you work)....others, of a more spiritual nature (smile) read "Job" (Biblical character who rose above his challenges).

I have actually been thinking of the two words in the same thoughts these past couple of days. Of course, I don't truly compare myself to Job...he lost family, home, work, etc...yet he always thanked God. He continued being faithful and following God's path for his life. I haven't suffered nearly what he suffered. And maybe "suffering" is the wrong word to use for my current situation.

Somewhere in the Bible (help me out, if you know) it says that God won't give us more than we can handle. On Wednesday, I told God that I was at that point. I am tired...emotionally. I can't handle anymore. I'm not asking for a winning lottery ticket. I'm not asking for a mansion. I'm not asking for anything more than a job I enjoy going to and a salary that I can live on. 30K gets me excited. Anyway, that's what I told God. Guess what He told me...

Wednesday: "Behind the scenes, before He ever flung the stars into space, God had today in mind...He is never at a loss to know what He's going to do in our situations."
Thursday: "...the beautiful thing about this adventure called faith is that we can count on Him NEVER to lead us astray. He knows exactly where He's taking us. Our job is to obey."
Friday: "God 's hand is not so short that it cannot save, nor is His ear so heavy that He cannot hear. Whether you see Him or not, He is at work in your life this very moment. "
*quotes from "Bedside Blessings" by Charles Swindoll

I can handle what He gives me...especially when I know my friends and family are out there praying for me.

Down...but not out

I called North Sound again. I still haven't talked with Mr. Osborn, but his assistant informed me yesterday that it would be awhile before I would hear anything because Mr. Osborn has decided to interview other applicants. Last I heard that weren't any other applicants, but things change.

My first reaction was one of defeat. Obviously, he wasn't impressed enough to choose me right off the bat. I don't know why, I would like to speak with him to find out, but he hasn't returned any of my phone calls and at this point the ball is in his (and God's) court.

I moved here (to Washington) 5 years ago. Up until that time, I had been gainfully employed since I was 16 (except for the 4 years I went to college, during which I worked all 4 years at the college on a work study program). Until 5 years ago, I don't think I ever interviewed for a job that I didn't get. Until 5 years ago, I always made enough money to cover my bills and actually buy groceries and often had a little left over for extras. Until 5 years ago, I lived independently without having to pray for a way to make it through the week. I was the one helping people out and not the one being helped.

I'm not sure why the last 5 years have been like they have been. I know I have learned more about faith and prayer and my personal relationship with Jesus. I suppose He allows us to go through trials to learn more about His love and patience. But I have to be honest...it's been humiliating for me. It doesn't appear that I can get a job. It doesn't appear that I can take care of myself and Zack...and there have been many times that if not for the generosity of others, I wouldn't have been able to.

I still believe that I would be an asset to North Sound Christian High School. I haven't given up on that yet...but guess I need to keep my mind and heart open to God's leading.

Communication

True communication is not always easy. I'm rarely at a loss for words. As a matter of fact, I can talk, and talk, and talk (hey, I see you shaking your head)...but sometimes even I find it difficult to really communicate. The past couple of days I have begun communicating with someone who is really not easy to communicate with. We speak at and to each other a lot, but it's been a long time since we actually communicated. It takes more than talking, it takes a lot of listening too...and not to just what is being said. Let's face it, it can be arduous, emotional work. However, the end result can be really worth it.

I talk to God. I pray. I give thanks. I complain. I whine. (the latter two probably more than the first two) But again, I am reminded that I don't always stop and listen. Some really know when God is speaking to them...I don't always hear when He is speaking to me...or mabe I hear, but I don't listen.

Hmmmm.

Worry

I come from a long line of worriers. I spent the whole week last week waiting and worrying about a phone call that never came. The worry that I allowed myself to feel seriously made my week miserable. When I find myself worrying about something (whether it's a phone call, financial problems, etc.) it takes my focus off of the good things in my life.

The phone call still hasn't come. I have called there daily and the last I heard on Friday was that he has been so busy with end of year school things that he has not even had time to do anything with my application file. I don't know if that means he hasn't called references, or looked at my educational file, or what. As far as I know it means he hasn't looked at it at all. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it. The good news is that they haven't said "no". Until they do, I just need to go about my everyday life, keep praying for God's will, and focus on the good things around me.

Matthew 6:25 "I say to you, do not be anxious for your life..." It's in GOD'S HANDS...until I have good news to share with you, I'm going to try not to even mention it.

(Keep those prayers going though.)

Still No Call

For all of you who are praying and waiting with me...still no news. I just called the school again and Mr. Osborn is out at a meeting today. That means I won't know anything until tomorrow.

It's interesting that at church Scott and Cole have been doing a series on prayer. God and I carried on quite the conversation yesterday. I sometimes feel it is a one-sided conversation, though I know that isn't true. I know that I forget to stop and listen. I say I'm going to put something in God's Hands, and I really believe I do...then I keep reminding Him "it's in Your Hands...Hey, check Your Hands, it's there and needs Handled...don't forget, I placed it in Your Hands". Does anyone else do that?

The thought keeps running through my mind that I need to "be still and know", but can't seem to rid my stomach of knots and butterflies.

Keep praying and I'll keep you informed.