Retreat

Friday is finally here. The long anticipated ladies retreat...complete with lots of food, giggles, games, karaoke, hot tub...and spiritual refreshment. I don't really know anything about the speaker (Angela Howard)...but I'm sure God is going to use her in many ways this weekend. I think I read that she is going to be talking about "self image"... I always need to be reminded about loving and taking care of myself.

Of course, nothing seems to come without some kind of "trauma" attached. Mine came at 10:00 last night when we discovered Sammi (our dog) couldn't walk up the stairs. She had been perfectly fine all day, but it was obvious that she was in pain. I'm more like my Dad was than I sometimes like to admit. I figure if I can't afford to take myself to the doctor, I'm sure not taking the dog...but her eyes were so sad and Zack's eyes were so sad. Off to the 24 hour vet we went. We got home 3 hours later with over $300 worth of x-rays, medicine, and no diagnosis. (would you believe they charged me $4 because she pooped on the floor? Called it "biohazardous clean-up".) Had to get up this morning and find someone willing to come over during the weekend and giver her the pills. Everything worked out and I'm just a few hours from leaving.

Have a great weekend...I know I'm going to.

Zack

I am not able to describe the love I feel for my son. If you have kids, I'm sure you understand. It's a love different than any other love you have ever felt. Right around the time Zack was born, I heard a song that came very close to explaining it. The first line of the chorus is: "that was a river, this is the ocean". Love I feel for other people is a river, the love I feel for Zack is an ocean.

I still feel that same love for him, yet some days I look at him and think "where did he come from"? He's becoming his own person and that's a good thing (I guess)...but there are times when I'm surprised because he's not more like me! I guess as a parent I expect him to be a "mini-me". I want him to like school and like getting good grades. I want him to be really involved in Youth Group at church. I want him to do things around the house without being told. I want him to love everyone and not feel prejudice or believe stereotypes. I want him to like hanging out with me and brag about how cool I am when he's with his friends. So, when he doesn't do these things I start going through the "mom-speak" in my head..."I work my butt off for him...he doesn't appreciate...does he know the sacrifices?...". I'm sure many of you know what I mean.

I wonder what God feels when we do things that He doesn't want us to do...or we go in a direction He really hadn't wanted us to go...or display an attitude that is really not the kind of attitude He has instilled in us...or when we don't hang out with Him or talk about how cool He is. I know I fail Him so often, yet His love is never ending. I want to be a "better child" to my Father and I want to be a more God-like Mom for Zack.

I also want Zack to pick up his dirty clothes without being told. Think it will happen?

Fine Dining

This morning I read in Psalm 113 that God wants to take us out of the dust and ashes and seat us with princes. My prayer was, "God, I don't care about sitting with princes, but thanks for being there to take me out of the dust and ashes." I've been thinking about that this morning.

My room-mate is taking me out to dinner tonight at a "fine dining" restaurant. I am more of an Applebee's girl. Take me someplace where I can wear my jeans and tennis shoes. So, why don't I think I will enjoy "fine dining"? My first thought is that I won't look like everyone else. I don't have the fancy haircut, makeup, clothes, jewels, etc. that give the "jet set" a different look. If I'm honest, it has to do with my self-image, doesn't it? For some reason I don't feel good enough to be there. It's nothing that has been done to me, because I haven't even been there yet...it all has to do with how I feel about myself.

It's the same way with my response to the Psalm this morning. God wants to sit me with princes! He believes I'm worthy! I need a change of attitude. I need to know that I am worthy of "fine dining" because I'm a child of the King!!!

Dreams

A friend got me a book with little daily "blessings" in them. I love the one I read this morning.

"That steep hill you've been climbing for such a long time may be the ramp to a destiny beyond your dreams."

The last few years have been rough and there have been times I have questioned God...not that I've ever lost my faith in Him, just haven't always understood why things have happened the way they have. But I have always believed, even in the worst moments, that He has a plan. He is trying to teach me something. I just have to keep looking for the lessons He wants me to learn. And this thought...that the steep hill is actually a ramp to my dreams...is so exciting.

His plans are bigger than any dream I can imagine!

Anticipation

Remember how slow time went when you were a kid? The time between Thanksgiving and Christmas seemed to last FOREVER! The month before my birthday would just DRAG!!

That's how I'm feeling this week. I have 2 special events coming up and I already feel like this week is going to last forever.

On Friday I'm leaving for the Renaissance Women's Retreat at Falls Creek Retreat Center in Raymond, WA. 2 nights and 2 days of giggling, talking, eating, playing, and being blessed by God! I'm excited about what He has in store for me during the upcoming weekend.

We get back on Sunday afternoon and I have a job interview on Monday (April 2). This could be THE ONE! After 5 years of submitting applications and having only 6 interviews (2 of which I actually got, but they were temporary positions), I had decided that teaching just wasn't in God's plans for me anymore. But 2 weeks ago I got a letter from a Christian high school that I had applied to previously. They now have an open position for next school year and they were asking me if I wanted to apply again. I didn't hesitate...got the application in and now I'm scheduled for an interview. I'm excited! Again, it's all about God and my openness to His plans for me.

Wow !

"Wow--(interjection) used to express wonder, amazement, or great pleasure" (dictionary)

That word is being used a lot around my house lately, and not in the way it was intended. As a matter of fact, I told Zack last night that I don't want him using it anymore. It was still on my mind when I dropped him off at school this morning. Then I headed to work.

I love Spring! In the Pacific Northwest it is more vibrant than any place I've ever lived. As I headed into Edmonds I saw the bright yellows, pinks, whites, and purples of new flowers and blossoms. Wow! Then I came around a curve and through a small grove of pink and white covered trees, I saw a ferry crossing the Puget Sound...the snow- capped mountains providing a backdrop. WOW!

I think Zack and I will take a drive sometime this weekend and I will show him the real meaning of "Wow".

Faith

If I could put my faith into physical form, and it were the size of a mustard seed, I could say to a mountain, "move" and it would move. Here's how that scenario would work for me:

I believe God can move that mountain. It's a big mountain, but I've got a big God. I wonder how He's actually going to do it? Maybe an earthquake or volcano? People would call that nature, but I would KNOW that God did it...because I have faith! That really is a big mountain. Maybe He doesn't want to move it. Maybe He likes it right where He put it in the first place. Maybe I shouldn't be testing God. Maybe He'll be mad at me for testing Him and my whole week will be screwed. Ok, I'll change my request. 'God, IF IT'S YOUR WILL, please move that mountain. I know that You can do it, if it's Your will. I have faith!'
There, now if it doesn't move, it's because God didn't want it moved, not because I don't have enough faith. It's gonna move though, I believe it. Yikes, that is really a big mountain. Where is my shovel?


I'm thinking I still need work in the area of "faith". It's a good thing God is patient.

Rejection

Yesterday was a "rejection" day. I have been seeking permanent, full time employment for 4 years now. In yesterday's mail I got, not one, not two, but THREE written rejections to applications that I have recently sent out. They are all very polite..."Thank you for your recent application...blah blah blah...those who went on in the application process were more highly qualifiied." It hurts. I know that I am highly qualified for each and every job I apply for, and yet...rejection. That little negative voice in my head says, "you're too old...maybe you qualify to be a door greeter at Walmart". It's hard to pray a prayer of thanks at that point. But, I do.

I thank God that He is faithful. He has plans for me! Those jobs weren't His plan. While I'm feeling rejected by the world, my Father opens His arms and gives me a hug. He will never reject me!

Explanation of my blog title

I have been reading other blogs for a while now. I've always been interested in other peoples' lives...but usually I knew the person. As I read the blogs of friends and strangers, Ifind myself responding out loud and then thinking, "I have a lot to say...wonder who'd like to hear about it?" Now, I'll write and just assume that it's being read all over the world. I'll never really know, but I can pretend. :)

"In the Planning Stages"...I want to explain the name. One of my favorite scriptures is Jeremiah 29:11 "I know the plans I have for you...to give you a future and hope." These last few years I have relied heavily upon the promise of that verse.

When I was younger and dreamed about the future, I certainly didn't imagine that in my 5th decade, I would still be looking for jobs and worrying about what the future holds. I figured I'd have 2 children who had both graduated from high school (with honors) and were now sailing through their college years (again with honors). My strikingly handsome, intelligent, highly successful, 'treats me like a queen' husband and I would spend our evenings taking long walks with our perfectly trained Irish Setter, discussing the exciting and fulfilling events of the day. Our weekends would be spent working on our beautifully manicured lawn surrounding our quaint, paid-for home, traveling, getting together with our many friends. Our contagious laughter would fill the neighborhood and people would smile....OK, you get the picture...I obviously read one too many Harlequin romances.

So, as you may have guessed, none of the above is actually happening in my life right now. I do have a WONDERFUL 13 year old son. He's in the 8th grade...not exactly making "honors" grades. Did I mention that he's 13? I know he loves me, but he spends a lot of time rolling his eyes when I speak and using terms like "whatever" and "wow". He's 13. Mind you, the "wow" is not an excited "WOW!" (implying that I have said or done something wonderful), instead it's a flat, monotone "wow" (meaning "did you really just say that?" "are you really that dumb?"). I assume you get the picture. I hope I survive 13...I hope he survives 13! :) I do love him and look at him as the greatest physical gift I've ever been given.

The husband...well, again, not exactly as I pictured...I have an ex. The house...we live in a great house along with another single mom and her 2 sons. It's not ideal, we don't own it, but it works for us right now.

I'm not complaining...just explaining the title of my blog site. Our childhood dreams are not always the reality of life. God has plans for us and I am learning and believing that I am still (and will always remain) in the "planning stages". I don't always know what His plans are, but I am holding on to the fact that as long as I continue trusting Him, His plans are going to take me further than I ever could have dreamed. Along the way there will be successes and failures, thrills and disappointments...you know...real life.

My goals with this blog? Maybe to encourage someone else who feels like they'll never get "there" (wherever "there" is)...maybe to make someone laugh...maybe to make someone cry...maybe to make someone think...maybe to inspire someone...maybe just to read my own thoughts out loud and think they are wise and profound. We'll see where it takes me.

What I do know is that today I am excited about being in the planning stages. I'm excited to know that God isn't done with me and that He has plans for my future. Above all, He gives me hope!