Perseverance

"Persevere: to persist in a state or undertaking in spite of counterinfluences, opposition, or discouragement"

I was reading something about perseverance the other day and what I read has been on my mind since then. First of all, I never really consider myself "persevere-ing". The reason I say that is because I guess in my mind persevering sounds like you are struggling through something really awful and maybe more permanent. I am definitely struggling and sometimes feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. But my struggles are temporary. (If you call 5 years temporary.)

In the reading, the question was asked how we persevere. Do we stand before God screaming "why me?" or do we stand before God humbly and with open hands submittings ourselves to His will?

Please pray for my friend Torrey and his family.

Summer

Since I haven't been teaching there are 2 particular days that are extremely hard for me...the first day of school and the first day of summer.

I extremely enjoyed the summers when I was teaching. How nice to still get a regular paycheck and not have to go to work everyday. Instead, I got to sleep in, get caught up on General Hospital and most importantly, be there with my kid.

Those first two years we spent the first part of our summer driving from South Carolina to Washington, and at the end of the summer making the drive back. That first summer we discovered KOA and Zack started his shot glass collection (at 7)...he just thought they were cute little glasses. We saw the Painted Desert, The Grand Canyon, cacti (like the ones in the cartoons with actual "arms") , Las Vegas, prairie dogs, Elvis' tiny little house (not Graceland)...and so much more. We played silly games, we ate junk food, we talked...I learned all the latest 'Nsync and Backstreet Boys songs (Zack will NEVER admit that he actually loved them) and Zack can still sing along with Barry Manilow (and I am NOT ashamed to admit that I still love Barry!) Those are memories that will last forever.

So now, when the first day of summer comes, I feel sad. I'm stuck in an office. I keep tabs on Zack...but am not there with him. This is an important time in life to make sure I know where he is and what he's doing. I don't necessarily love doing it by constant back and forth phone calls.

Don't get me wrong...I'm thankful that I have a job...but I miss summer.

Choices

I probably already mentioned that I was hoping to be the "great testimony" at the end of Scott's series on "prayer". (Scott, by the way, is my pastor.) Well, he followed up the "prayer" series with a series on "disappointment"...turns out I am more in line for the "testimony" to that series.

For the past three weeks, Scott has talked about the story of Joseph. Here's a guy who had dreams...literally and figuratively. He was his dad's "favorite", which annoyed his brothers...so, long story short, he was sold into slavery, became a servant, falsely accused of rape, imprisoned, and all this happened over a period of 13 years. Of course, eventually God used him in a mighty way...which was His plan from the very beginning.

Now, the first thing I kept hearing over and over in my mind was "13 years? You've got to be kidding me!" But then the heart of the message made it to my mind. During those times of trials, Joseph kept a good attitude. He didn't focus on what he didn't have, but what he was going to have. His character stayed true to his belief in God and the plan that God had for him. I'm sure he had plenty of opportunity to feel sorry for himself, but that's not what people saw. They saw his faithfulness and willingness to make the best of a "not perfect" situation.

It's all about choices. I give myself the excuse that I'm human and because of that God allows for periods of depression and disappointment and frustration. And He does allow me to be human...but above all, He wants us to CHOOSE to keep trusting Him for direction. He wants us to CHOOSE to be thankful for what we do have and not focus on what we don't have. He wants us to CHOOSE to remember the times He has taken care of us and done great things in our life. He wants us to CHOOSE to look ahead to what HE HAS PLANNED.

His plans are far greater than anything I can even imagine.

Middle School

If you turn off the noise and listen, I believe you can hear the angelic choir singing the Halelujah chorus. Today was Zack's last "official" day of 8th grade.

I have to be honest, I'm a little numb about the whole thing. On the one hand, I'm soooo relieved that this year is over. What a struggle it has been trying to just get him to pass his classes. (I would like to strangle whoever it was that told him that middle school 'doesn't count'. He took them very seriously.) On the other hand, my son is now going into high school.

It really wasn't that long ago that we were shopping for his first backpack. I think it had Pikachu (from Pokemon) on it. I still have boxes of his first papers and drawings and other nonsense that, as a Mom, you just can't throw away. (Now I just move it from place to place.)

He's growing up. When he hugs me, he rests his chin on my head. He shaves (don't tell him I told). He has "Peter Brady" syndrome. (Anyone who watched The Brady Bunch probably knows what I'm talking about...voice is down low and suddenly something squeaks in the middle of a conversation. ) Girls call him all the time. He's got TWO really good long-time friends who actually have their drivers' permits. OH, I'm SO NOT READY FOR THIS.

I want this summer to last a long time. I want to hold on just a little longer.

Lack of ... something

I know that the job I currently have is not permanent. Jimi would keep me if I really wanted to stay...but I am not an office person. Plus, my hourly wages are maybe enough for a young person who is still living at home...but not enough for two people to live comfortably.

So, I should be filling out applications in my free time. I have been looking. (I am still holding out a thread of hope that I will get a call from North Sound.) And, I have actually gone so far as to print some applications...but here they sit on my desk. I just have a lack of...something...it's not motivation because I do want (and know I need) a different job. The thing is that nothing I have found so far really rings my bell.

God says if we trust Him, He will give us the "desires of our heart". Long ago I thought that meant that if we desired something, He would give it to us. I now know that He means if we are trusting Him to direct us, He will place the appropriate desires in our heart to lead us on the path He has for us. Right now, I look at the ones I have printed off, but none of them are something I really desire to do. I'm asking Him to lead me in the right direction and I'm trusting that He will.

I also know we aren't supposed to sit back and wait for jobs (etc.) to drop down from Heaven...but is it wrong to let these applications sit here on my desk? Maybe.

Maturing

Some might call it aging, some call it getting older...I just keep referring to it as maturing. I had a "maturing" moment yesterday.

I had to gather documents that prove I live where I say I live...unbelieveable the red tape involved when your kid plays All Star baseball. First, I had to get my drivers license renewed. It was due this year, but not until August. Since my new address (and at least 3 others) was just on a sticker on the back of my license, I was told this would not be "official" enough to prove that we lived in the baseball boundary lines. So, off I went, bright and early yesterday morning to the DMV. (Funny, the DMV doesn't ask for any proof that you live where you say you live.)

I think a prerequisite of working at the DMV is to be grouchy. I was there when the door opened, so it can't just be that they were tired of dealing with people...there were only a handful in front of me. I stepped up to the counter and a very grumpy man asked me to repeat my new address FOUR times. Then he asked if I wore contacts or glasses. I answered no and he repeated the question. I answered no again, and again he repeated the question. On the third time he repeated the question I wanted to YELL "Do you wear hearing aides?" But I tried to be patient and again said that I don't wear glasses or contacts. At that point, I had to put my forehead on the little box and read line 6. I squinted, tried to focus, then looked up at him and said, "I could read line 5." He didn't smile...simply said loudly and rudely, "Can you read line 6 or not?"

I began reading, "3, 15, 12..."

"One number at a time." he stated (again louder than he needed to...after all, we were checking out my sight, not MY hearing)

Slowly, I read again, "3, 15, 12..."

"One number at a time." he bellowed again.

Again, I read, "3, 15, 12..."

"ONE NUMBER AT A TIME" he shouted, yet again.

I looked up at him, trying to remain patient, and said that maybe I was misunderstanding what he wanted me to be reading. I kept my voice quiet, hoping he would do the same, but no, he looked at me like I was an idiot and yelled, "THERE ARE NO DOUBLE DIGITS. READ ONE NUMBER AT A TIME"

When I finished reading ONE NUMBER AT A TIME across the row and looked up, he very loudly said, "You'll be wearing glasses or contacts next time you come in here."

Ouch.

Father's Day

I couldn't let Father's Day pass without saying something about my Dad.

My Dad was a good man. He appeared to be quiet and subdued. I always believed that's because it was hard to get a word in edgewise with my Mom around. He didn't say much, but when he did, it was almost always funny. He wasn't outwardly affectionate, but he worked hard and took care of us because that was his responsibility, and we always knew he loved us.

I never saw him cry, though I've had others tell me that he cried when my youngest brother died. He didn't like being sick. He had bypass surgery twice...the first time he said he'd never do it again. The second time I think he did it for Zack.

When Zack came along, I think Dad got to be the kind of Dad he felt like he should have been the first time around. He got Zack interested in sports. I will always remember coming in and finding Dad and Zack reading the newspaper. Dad had him looking up team standings as soon as he learned to read. They played catch. They played basketball. He took Zack to work with him. When I was working full time and going to school full time, Dad would come over to our house and get Zack up, have breakfast with him and then take him to school.

Our last year together was really wonderful. The day before Dad died, Zack and I had dinner with him and my Mom. We had a great day. Sometime during the day I remember Zack asking about heaven and I don't remember the whole conversation, but Dad told Zack that he would be there waiting for him. After that conversation, the two of them went out to play basketball. The next morning, as Dad was getting ready to go to work, his heart quit beating. He died immediately. I will always be so glad we had that last good day with him.

I had one last good chuckle...Dad always used to "help" Mom when she was an Avon lady. He bagged orders, drove her to make deliveries, sat in the car endless hours when she would be chatting while he waited...and paid for the fact that she usually bought more than she sold. He was very patient, but one time he told me that he HATED AVON. When I went to the funeral home to pick up his ashes, I realized that my Mom had given them a (beautiful) Avon vase to put his ashes in and that had been placed in a big Avon bag. I laughed as I wiped away my tears.

Dad would have found that amusing.

Busy Weekend

Sometimes I need a day or two to recover from the weekend. Had a busy one this past weekend.

Friday had to have Zack at "All-Star" tryouts. (Just when you think baseball season is over...) To be invited to even try out for "A-S" is an honor and Zack and I were both honestly surprised when he was invited to try out. Not that he's not a good ball player, but he advanced to Jr.'s this year, so is one of the younger players. He spent a lot of time on the bench. Obviously someone thought he played that position well.

Try-outs are a two day experience. The first day, the players go out into the field and someone hits them 10 ground balls and 10 pop-ups. They are scored on how well they field, catch and throw them back to where ever they are directed to throw them back. I don't know how Zack was feeling but I was nervous for him. I didn't need to be, he caught all grounders and pop-ups and threw them right where they needed to go. After tryouts I took him and some friends to a movie.

Saturday Zack had part two of tryouts. I didn't go with him this time. I picked Saturday as a "me" day. I don't do that often enough. I headed off early Saturday morning to the Freemont Street Fair. Having lived most of my life in the mid-west and the south, Freemont Street is like another world. I can't even begin to describe it. The festivities start with a Summer Solstice parade...the parade is led off by 200 naked bicyclists. They aren't wearing clothes, but they paint their bodies so that you really don't notice their nakedness. Ok, well, after the first 50, you almost forget they are naked. I won't even bother to discuss the short-comings of this parade. :)

Headed back to Edmonds to the Art Festival. I am so amazed by the talents of artists. I am so amazed that they can charge so much for their talent.

Sunday, went to church. Scott is doing a three part series on disappointment, I will talk more about that this week. Left church and took Zack to his Dad's to spend Father's Day. While he was there he got the call...he made the TEAM. He was very excited, as I am...sort of. All-Stars means practice EVERYDAY until the actual tournaments start. If they do well, Zack won't be able to go to church camp...oh well, we'll just take it one day at a time.

Time to get started on Monday.

Gift of blessings

People give us gifts and never realize the impact it might have in our lives. I know I have spoken a few times about the little book that Jimi gave me (she's my friend who hired me to work at her mortgage office...friend before boss). Anyway, this book has TRULY been a blessing. On those days when I feel like maybe God is too busy to give me answers, He uses this book to remind me of things I need to be reminded of.

I really have had a hard time coming out of this "slump". I've talked enough about that, just wanted to share what my book reminded me of the last couple of days. I'll paraphrase:

6/13--Life and pain go together...you can't have one without the other...the goal is not to get away from pain, but to endure and win over it...while learning the lessons that only pain can teach us. "Pain is inevitable. Misery is optional. " I have to opt NOT to be miserable...but to continue learning.

6/14--"God's graces sees beyond our deepest need." Whatever it is that I think I NEED...God knows SO MUCH BETTER. How can I feel bad? I just have to say it again, if not this (job, etc.) then there is something that God knows that I don't. I have to trust Him, wait on Him and THANK Him for allowing me to be where He wants me.

A Slump

*I actually blogged on Friday (listed in archives under JOB)...for some reason, I don't see it when I sign in...so, don't know what happened there.

I'm in a SLUMP. I'm really struggling to keep my spirits up. I know in my head and heart that God is in control. I do trust Him. Yet, when I feel like I'm feeling, I then add guilt to the mixture of feelings. (Anyone want to break into THE song right about now?) I feel guilty because, what?, I'm human.

I want a syllabus. In college, when I would start a new class, the professor would hand out the syllabus. That would give us the dates of every test, project, topic, etc. that would be covered during our semester together. I knew when the tests would come. I knew when we would be covering certain subjects. I knew when I would have to make time for the library to get ready to write a paper.

I would like that same thing for life. Maybe it would be too overwhelming to see some of the tests that we will be facing along the way...but on days like today, I just want to know when the answers come...when relief is in sight.

Job

Now, some of you looked at the title and read "job" (place where you work)....others, of a more spiritual nature (smile) read "Job" (Biblical character who rose above his challenges).

I have actually been thinking of the two words in the same thoughts these past couple of days. Of course, I don't truly compare myself to Job...he lost family, home, work, etc...yet he always thanked God. He continued being faithful and following God's path for his life. I haven't suffered nearly what he suffered. And maybe "suffering" is the wrong word to use for my current situation.

Somewhere in the Bible (help me out, if you know) it says that God won't give us more than we can handle. On Wednesday, I told God that I was at that point. I am tired...emotionally. I can't handle anymore. I'm not asking for a winning lottery ticket. I'm not asking for a mansion. I'm not asking for anything more than a job I enjoy going to and a salary that I can live on. 30K gets me excited. Anyway, that's what I told God. Guess what He told me...

Wednesday: "Behind the scenes, before He ever flung the stars into space, God had today in mind...He is never at a loss to know what He's going to do in our situations."
Thursday: "...the beautiful thing about this adventure called faith is that we can count on Him NEVER to lead us astray. He knows exactly where He's taking us. Our job is to obey."
Friday: "God 's hand is not so short that it cannot save, nor is His ear so heavy that He cannot hear. Whether you see Him or not, He is at work in your life this very moment. "
*quotes from "Bedside Blessings" by Charles Swindoll

I can handle what He gives me...especially when I know my friends and family are out there praying for me.

Down...but not out

I called North Sound again. I still haven't talked with Mr. Osborn, but his assistant informed me yesterday that it would be awhile before I would hear anything because Mr. Osborn has decided to interview other applicants. Last I heard that weren't any other applicants, but things change.

My first reaction was one of defeat. Obviously, he wasn't impressed enough to choose me right off the bat. I don't know why, I would like to speak with him to find out, but he hasn't returned any of my phone calls and at this point the ball is in his (and God's) court.

I moved here (to Washington) 5 years ago. Up until that time, I had been gainfully employed since I was 16 (except for the 4 years I went to college, during which I worked all 4 years at the college on a work study program). Until 5 years ago, I don't think I ever interviewed for a job that I didn't get. Until 5 years ago, I always made enough money to cover my bills and actually buy groceries and often had a little left over for extras. Until 5 years ago, I lived independently without having to pray for a way to make it through the week. I was the one helping people out and not the one being helped.

I'm not sure why the last 5 years have been like they have been. I know I have learned more about faith and prayer and my personal relationship with Jesus. I suppose He allows us to go through trials to learn more about His love and patience. But I have to be honest...it's been humiliating for me. It doesn't appear that I can get a job. It doesn't appear that I can take care of myself and Zack...and there have been many times that if not for the generosity of others, I wouldn't have been able to.

I still believe that I would be an asset to North Sound Christian High School. I haven't given up on that yet...but guess I need to keep my mind and heart open to God's leading.

Communication

True communication is not always easy. I'm rarely at a loss for words. As a matter of fact, I can talk, and talk, and talk (hey, I see you shaking your head)...but sometimes even I find it difficult to really communicate. The past couple of days I have begun communicating with someone who is really not easy to communicate with. We speak at and to each other a lot, but it's been a long time since we actually communicated. It takes more than talking, it takes a lot of listening too...and not to just what is being said. Let's face it, it can be arduous, emotional work. However, the end result can be really worth it.

I talk to God. I pray. I give thanks. I complain. I whine. (the latter two probably more than the first two) But again, I am reminded that I don't always stop and listen. Some really know when God is speaking to them...I don't always hear when He is speaking to me...or mabe I hear, but I don't listen.

Hmmmm.

Worry

I come from a long line of worriers. I spent the whole week last week waiting and worrying about a phone call that never came. The worry that I allowed myself to feel seriously made my week miserable. When I find myself worrying about something (whether it's a phone call, financial problems, etc.) it takes my focus off of the good things in my life.

The phone call still hasn't come. I have called there daily and the last I heard on Friday was that he has been so busy with end of year school things that he has not even had time to do anything with my application file. I don't know if that means he hasn't called references, or looked at my educational file, or what. As far as I know it means he hasn't looked at it at all. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it. The good news is that they haven't said "no". Until they do, I just need to go about my everyday life, keep praying for God's will, and focus on the good things around me.

Matthew 6:25 "I say to you, do not be anxious for your life..." It's in GOD'S HANDS...until I have good news to share with you, I'm going to try not to even mention it.

(Keep those prayers going though.)